My Only Power

Lack of power, that was our dilemma.
-  Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book), page 45
*************************************************
By the time I finally admitted I was an alcoholic I was not really ashamed of the fact.  On the surface, psychologically, that sounds like a good thing.  What has very slowly been revealed to me is that in my case it indicates I never really (and by really, I mean really, REALLY - as in 100%) took Step One.  Which also means I never really took Steps Two and Three.

From this statement I have no doubt that a long, philosophical, Big Book quotin', Big Book misquotin' alcoholic/addict discussion/debate could begin....and go on and on and on.  But those of you familiar with alcoholics/addicts, and particularly their debates, will know that would be a tedious thing indeed.  For that reason, it's a good thing this is a blog rather than a discussion group.  But I digress, as predicted by this paragraph :-).

My point is that 6+ years ago I took Step One thoroughly enough to stop drinking and start getting sober.  I did not take it thoroughly enough to not transfer my addictive behaviors to a different arena.  In my case, (one of) the arena(s) was sexually acting out, aka sexaholism, aka going places I never thought I would go to do things I never thought I would do.

It has taken me a long time to admit I have a problem with sexually "acting out" (such a nice term).  That's because I find the admission very shameful...shame much deeper than any I ever felt about being an alcoholic.  In my case, my queerness (sorry Brad, the description works for me and I know you know I use it proudly, not disparagingly...it must be a generation thing) completely clouded the issue.  And by clouded, I mean it gave me an excuse for my behavior.  The excuse went something like this:  "God made me queer (insert bisexual, gay, gay-ish, not entirely straight [my second-favorite], whatever term you like), society made me ashamed of what God made me, that shame made me behave in less than noble ways, but I am just trying to find myself and express who I am, so what I am doing is not really that bad...just don't ask my wife if she agrees...etc. etc. etc." You get the idea.

What I know today, May 23, 2010, is that I am powerless.  Over everything.  E V E R Y T H I N G.  Between my ears lies something like a lump of shit, except much less useful than a lump of shit.  And I must start my day, every day, realizing that fact.  Completely.  100%.  And I must do my very best to remember that fact throughout the day.  The whole day.  100% of the day.  Once I have surrendered, to the very best of my ability, the notion that I have power of my own, I must plug into the only source of power that works for me.  The power of my Higher Power.

It just dawned on me that a more accurate name for my Higher Power is my Only Power.

This may or may not make sense to you.  All I know is that I have lived this way, to the best of my ability, for the past two weeks.  And I have lived two weeks without craving or obsessing about having anonymous sex with another man. 

I'm not ashamed to say that fact makes for an incredibly good two weeks for this addict/-aholic.

Peace.

F

I'm Back

I'm back.  Not TRYING to be back.  Just back.

With an updated understanding of acceptance, humility, gratitude, recovery, peace, serenity, alcoholism, addiction, lust, God, mobius strip as metaphor for life and a lot more.

I also have a healthy respect for the part this blog can play in my continued sobriety and recovery.

F

In Three Days, Three Years

January 23 will mark the third birthday of this blog.

Happy Birthday, Flip!

I haven't read any of your old posts for a very long time. But if I remember correctly, when you first started this blog you had one overriding desire...to "right-size" the (in your eyes) major problematic circumstance of your life - that of being a not-entirely-straight man married to a woman. How's that going?

Hey, glad you asked. Today, as so often happens, I heard just what I needed to hear in an AA meeting. I heard that because of the gift I have been given through AA, my pain is now optional.

Truth. Like a dash of cold water to the face. Today I have a choice. I can surrender my will and my life to a Higher Power (a higher power I don't have to be able to understand or explain, by the way) and I can find serenity. Or I can hang on to my will (it's MY life, dammit!!!) and be on my own - subject to both fleeting pleasures and a pain that, in 50+ years, I have found no way to relieve other than by surrendering my life and my will to a Higher Power.

It's going very well, thank you.

Love and hugs to anyone who might read this.

F

I'm Leaving On Vacation. I'm Back. Sort of.

Greetings.  

I've long been in the posting doldrums.  So what better time to ask Brad to reprise his role as Joan Rivers to my Johnny.  I asked and he agreed.  Yippee!  I get some new posts out of the deal...and I hope this will also jump-start me out of my inactivity. 

Cheers!

F

Into The Ditch

First, thank you to my two readers, Brad and Cymber. You are both at the top of my blogland list. I appreciate the honesty and thoughtfulness of your comments. And I am grateful to count you both as friends.

Second, I talked about the narrow country lane. Earlier this week I drove straight into the ditch next to that country lane. It wasn't a slow drift. It was a sharp, quick turn of the wheel.

But I'm back on pavement now.

I'm a dangerous combination: a slow learner who thinks he can figure out anything. Like how a twelve step program works. Unfortunately for people like me, this approach makes it much harder to achieve the goal of a twelve step program - to have a spiritual experience which is (one of) the only solution(s) to the problem behavior.

I follow the simple directions in the book for a while, start feeling better, start feeling less than humble, and then decide I can figure it out. I want to figure it out because I think I can find "an easier, softer way." And because I am lazy and don't want to do the work I need to do to maintain my spiritual condition.

I'm a slow learner, so each time I forget what happened the last time. That I neither can nor need to figure it out, and that the result of this effort is always, ALWAYS, an excursion into the ditch (nil?).

I hope you both have a great weekend, and thanks again for the love you show me.

Hugz.

F

Cop Out

Wow, talk about having your bubble burst.

Brad's assessment of the current state of my life (commenting on my last post):

"Just to go to meetings to deny that you are bisexual or homosexual to assure yourself that it is something that can be treated as an addiction seems like a bit of a cop out to me."

I appreciate comments on this blog - especially those that are the hardest to hear.

Coming from the reader who I believe knows me best, this one makes it crystal clear I have done a piss-poor job of communicating my thoughts, my decisions and my journey. So much so that this blog is likely a real danger to those I had deluded myself into thinking might find some hope here.

I don't know how else to say it. I am not denying my bisexuality / homosexuality. I am not trying to treat or alter that core part of my being. I am trying to deal with "life on life's terms" - some of which were dealt to me and some of which I have created through my own decisions.

I am trying to treat / alter my obsessive and harmful behavior - which I personally believe is not a direct result of my sexual orientation. (I'm the only admittedly non-straight guy I've encountered so far in SAA).

What I've learned: a blog is no substitute for a pair of moccasins and a mile-long track.

Bye.

F

Diagnosis

In response to my last post, Brad asked, ”How does one determine and then define themselves as a sex addict?”

Here’s how I did it.

According to Dictionary.com:

Addiction: The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.

Check.

More relevant to me specifically, my SAA sponsor “qualified” me as a sex addict using three criteria, 1) powerlessness, 2) unmanageability, and 3) having a progressive condition potentially leading to death.

In this post, I will not bore you with sordid details other than to say that I qualified myself using these general examples:

1. Powerlessness: My repeated promises to myself to cease my behavior, followed often almost immediately by breaking those promises.
2. Unmanageability: The lengths I was going to in hiding and engaging in my behavior to the detriment (and endangerment in some cases) of my job, family and good sense.
3. Having a progressive and potentially fatal condition. Progressive: The increasingly unsafe situations in which I placed myself (and indirectly, others). Potentially Fatal: The abject hopelessness I increasingly felt about the whole situation led me to believe that at some point I might gather enough courage and insanity to kill myself, plus the increasing risk of contracting a fatal disease which could ultimately do the job for me.
   

Knowing Brad as I do, I think there might be more behind his question. We’ll see.

Cheers.

F

The Country Lane

I often hear people with a few years' sobriety in AA mention that the road gets narrower the longer you stay sober.

Here's how narrow my road has become.

At the end of the day on Friday, after one of the most hellish days, and weeks, of my work life, I paused before fleeing the office to take a few moments to catch up on a few blogs. While doing this, I clicked on a "favorite" that I have not read for a while, but that well I remember occasionally contains an X-rated image of the blogger himself. Indeed, there were a couple of images, and this time even a very short, crude video of the blogger "pleasuring" himself to completion. I then navigated to a blog referenced in that posting, viewed one more picture of someone's "member" and closed down my browser.

Among the "bottom-line" behaviors (meaning engaging in them violates my sexual sobriety, or abstinence...like taking a drink in AA) I established for myself in my Sex Addicts Anonymous program is not viewing pornography.

Immediately after closing down the browser I called my SAA sponsor and left him a voicemail notifying him that I needed to reset my SAA "sobriety" date and giving him the details of what I had done.

I must admit that before calling him the thought crossed my mind, "Why not duck into the men's room and 'pleasure' myself (another bottom-line behavior) since I was having to reset my sobriety, or abstinence, date anyway?" But I realized that this would be identical to going on a binge after taking a couple of sips of an alcoholic beverage - an action that would lead to nothing positive.

There is a part of me that finds it humiliating to be in a position of calling someone to confess actions as personal and seemingly-harmless as my few minutes of browsing on Friday. And that's a good thing. I'm far from being humble enough.

And I want to get more humble, because there's another part of me that knows the serenity of neither engaging in nor having the slightest desire to engage in morally bankrupt and repeatedly unfulfilling behaviors which leave me with feelings of self-loathing.

The broad highway I navigated in AA has led me to the country lane of my current program of AA and SAA. This is not because the programs are fundamentally different. It is because in my case, working my AA program (which suggests I practice the principles of AA in all my affairs) allowed me to finally admit my powerlessness in controlling my sexual behavior, and once I took the step of asking for help I was graced with a very strict SAA sponsor.

More about that another day.

All the best to each of you.

F

Cease-Fire

On page 84 of Alcoholics Anonymous (often referred to as "The Big Book") it says, "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol."

One of my daily meditation reads is Daily Reflections, A Book of Reflections by AA Members for AA Members. Today's entry reads, in part:

I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind. At one time life was a constant battle because I felt I had to go through each day fighting myself, and everyone else. Eventually this became a losing battle. I ended up getting drunk and crying over my misery. When I began to let go and let God take over my life I began to have peace of mind. Today, I am free. I do not have to fight anybody or anything anymore.

I should add that after giving up drinking I periodically (at times frequently) acted out sexually as another way of trying to fight the reality of my life...to fulfill needs that I did not see any other way of fulfilling.

For today I don't have to do that. Today I am enjoying the daily reprieve that can be mine every day I choose to practice the 12 Step principles in all affairs of my life.

I've recently had a blog "comment dialog" with Troll regarding, in part, the living of an authentic life. I'm pretty sure I don't know exactly how to define an authentic life, but the definition I'm choosing right now is a serene life. Or to be more specific, I am choosing for now to gauge the authenticity of the life I'm living by my level of serenity.

A lot of my serenity today depends on not fighting anyone or anything. I used to fight all the time. Fight my sexual preferences, the life I had chosen for myself, the blessings that were bestowed upon me, the love of others, the hatred of society. On and on, fight fight fight. For today, that's over. And when I feel that old fighting urge, I turn to page 84 in The Big Book and follow the prescription for a return to serenity. 1) I ask God to remove whatever is making me want to fight, which is always my selfishness, fear, dishonesty or resentment, 2) I discuss the situation with someone (like a sponsor or another alcoholic/addict), 3) I make amends if I have harmed anyone, and then 4) I turn my thoughts to someone else I can help (and take action on helping them).

So far, I don't take these steps often or quickly enough, but I'm getting a lot better at it and it is paying off in serenity. And my life feels pretty authentic today. I accept it, embrace it, the way it is playing out.

I'm sharing what's working for me. For today. I'm not "cured." I'm not "saved." And I'm surely not saying this will work for you. But if you're still fighting anyone or anything, don't give up. I know there is an answer for you too.

I hope all of you are having an authentically serene Sunday today - or whatever day today is when and where you are reading this.

I love you guys ("guys" in a non-gender-specific way).

F

Surrender

One of my favorite daily meditation books is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
The entry for June 17 summarizes quite nicely where I am in my journey.

June 17


Surrender

Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go though it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.

Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I’m learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.

In my last post I posed the question, "Am I a sex addict?". I surrender. The answer is yes. I have used sex in an addictive fashion. I am now trying to remedy that by being a member of yet another 12 Step program. And it's going quite nicely, thank you.

The really great thing is that in addition to halting, for today, my harmful sexual activity, it has also greatly improved both my AA program and my life in general.

A couple of days ago, Java commented on my last post. She asked, "Why do you not write more often?" Java, I really don't know. I have had plenty of inspiration over the past six months but have just failed to put fingers to keyboard. For the first year or so of blogging I posted a couple of times a week. I don't know what happened after that. I could speculate, but that's all it would be. I'm posting today, and I hope I post more in the future.

Java went on to say, " I haven't read much, just these few posts that are on the first page. I'm curious about you, your life, your choices, your convictions (not in a legal sense), the whichness of your why."

Let me try to satisfy that curiousity.

Me: I'm a 45-54 year old male, married for almost 30 years, alcoholic, sex addicted (but still getting used to surrendering to the fact), not entirely straight, married to a woman, father of two.

My life: Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life...my spirituality, my sexuality, my life.

My choices: Some good: (getting married, staying married, getting sober, asking for help in staying sexually "sober", and lots of others). Some bad: (drinking excessively even when it quit working, "keeping" a boyfriend on the side for a couple of years, telling my wife I needed to move out to figure out my "gay" thing, having sex behind my wife's back, and lots of others).

My convictions: I'm having trouble summarizing this, but among my convictions are believing that each of us has part of God inside us and that we are all yearning to connect the part inside us with God, and believing that spirituality is personal and different for each of us, and that it's really harmful to try to instruct others on their spirituality unless they have asked.

The whichness of my why: The whichness of my why used to always be "me." I am now trying to turn it into "you."

Later.

Flip

HNY

Happy New Year to anyone out there.

It seems a few people still stop by occasionally, though why should they since I never post anymore? Most of the hits I receive seem to come from web searches referencing "mobius" something or quotations from AA or the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

Today I am hopeful for the new year. I have a lot of tools I've learned through AA. If and when I'm not happy, joyous and free, it's because I don't choose to make use of those tools. Usually it has something to do with wanting my way. Wanting it right now. And my way usually has to do with feeling good right now. Or at least feeling different. Kind of like why I used to drink. Except thankfully as of today I don't believe a drink will make me feel better at all.

I suppose the big question right now is...is Flip, well, let's try to be a little more direct, am I a sex addict? I really hate needing to ask that question. For a number of reasons. One being that it seems so shameful if it's true. In fact, it seems pretty shameful just to have to ask the question. I also hate needing to ask that question because I'm not even sure if such a thing exists - officially I mean - I do know there are SAA groups out there. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it really matters if such a thing really exists. The behaviors that go into such a definition exist.

Another reason I hate asking that question is because I'm already an addict of the "oholic" sort. I hate the thought of having to conquer yet another addiction...which really means I hate having to give up something that I really don't want to give up. Even if giving it up means long term peace and happiness. Wow, that feels familiar.

So I guess we'll just have to see. But in the meantime I'm eternally grateful to have been given the gift of sobriety. And as long as I stay clean and sober I know there's hope for conquering whatever else stands between me and the person I can be.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Cheers!

Flip

Explaining

I’m currently reading the Richard Ford trilogy The Sportswriter, Independence Day and The Lay of the Land. So far I have read the first two. They are excellent reading.

On page 223 (Vintage paperback edition) of The Sportswriter, there are two quotes:

“Explaining is where we all get into trouble.”

And further down the page

“Some things can’t be explained. They just are. And after a while they disappear, usually forever, or become interesting in another way.”

I am married to a woman. I am, and always have been, physically attracted to men.

Why does this blog exist? To explain that? If so, perhaps that is a fundamental flaw.

When I think back over the past several years I have definitely gotten into trouble for more reasons than just trying to explain things. But explaining – or attempting to explain – has never gotten me out of trouble. In fact it’s led to some trouble of its own.

My, our, situation just is. After a while it will definitely disappear forever. In the meantime perhaps it will become interesting in another way. Or maybe it already has.

Since last posting my younger child has moved away from home to pursue her dream. I have gone off of and back on my antidepressants...a useful reminder that it takes a village (of groups, individuals and chemicals) to keep Flip sane. My wife and I are planning and preparing for a new phase of our life together. A new location, new jobs, it’s all on the table. But we’re planning together.

My struggles remain the same. Some days what’s right wins out, other days it doesn’t. But as of today I remain sober. And I remain mindful that’s a gift…of life and hope that could be gone by now.

Why have I been given this gift?

No explanation needed or given. It just is.

Love to you all,

K

What Will I Take With Me When I Go?

One of my daily reading and meditation sources is a book entitled Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Part of today's entry:

When we come to the end of our lives on earth, we will take no material thing with us. We will not take one cent in our cold, dead hands. The only things that we may take are the things we have given away. If we have helped others, we may take that with us; if we have given of our time and money for the good of A.A., we may take that with us. Looking back over our lives, what are we proud of? Not what we have gained for ourselves, but what few good deeds we have done. Those are the things that really matter in the long run. What will I take with me when I go?

What a great question. What will I take with me when I go? If I leave today, the answer is not much.

That's not fair. Who am I to judge? And am I even qualified to judge? So let me revise my answer.

Not as much as I could.

I can't change what I have given away so far in my life. I can only change what I give away from this day forward.

I'm very thankful AA has given me the opportunity to understand this - especially today, while I'm planning the rest of my life.

And how's that plan coming along? you might ask.

Fine. Just fine. Right on track.

I love you.

Flip

Three Days

In three days I'll be 50. Half a century of life. Lots of time...a great deal actually when compared to the number of meaningful accomplishments during that time.

During vacation I thought a lot about how I want to spend the second half of my life - which is probably not mathematically accurate - so perhaps the rest of my life is a more precise way to put it. There are two important ways I would like part two to be different.

1. I would like it NOT to be ruled by fear...the opposite of how I view the first 50 years.
2. I would like it to be characterized by more action than the first 50 years - preferably a LOT more.
   

No doubt focusing on #1 will very likely help #2 along a great deal.

I work best (more honestly "at all") with a deadline, therefore I have given myself until end of day Friday to plan the rest of my life. After that I will take action.

My initial thought is that I would like to spend more time creating. Currently I'm employed in the world of bidness. A world in which I have always felt like a stranger in a strange land, an imposter.

I can't change that immediately for very concrete financial reasons. But I can certainly engage in extracurricular activities (focusing on a meaning of the word "activity" that implies productive, creative action as opposed to thought) that have more to do with creating things other than wealth for myself and stockholders than my current activities.

Another thought: AA has taught me that life is about helping others. I believe it with all my heart. I think about it a lot...think about helping others...thinkthinkthink. Time to think less, do more.

It's late. I'm tired.

I'll have to work on this tomorrow. Three days is plenty of time.

Peace.

Flip

This Just In

Hi all,

I'm just back from a long-postponed vacation with my wife. I hope to catch up soon with your blogs and catch you up on me, too.

Thanks for still being there.

Later...

F

Something Positive? Huh? WTF?

Maybe I'm coming out of my blogging slump. Or maybe not. I know I've been checking in on some of my old blog haunts and even leaving comments. That's a good sign. And I've found a couple of new haunts.

One I found yesterday is My Journey Out.

Just when I think I've got all this stuff figured out, I come across a post like this one from My Journey Out: Get on the Damn Program

The comment I left:

You make a great point about guys being true to themselves by being themselves. I still can't figure out if I'm being true to myself by being the person I think I want to be (married) plus working toward being the person I think I can be (married and once again fatihful, plus so much more) or if I'm just trying to delay the inevitable.

One thing I'm not afraid of (though maybe I should be) is "..be[ing] on my death bed with any regrets about things I'd wish I'd done." I've never been one for regrets and I've already had a magical life...not that I'm ready for it to end (usually).

Thanks for sharing and listening.

F

What does this comment tell me about me? One thing is that although the frequency and intensity of questioning my current choices / status in life has decreased, it's not gone. And I believe the questioning will probably never be gone (at least until "it" falls off...Thanks Dr. M).

But the second paragraph of my comment reveals a me I haven't recognized in years, if ever. I didn't think about it while I wrote it, but what I wrote is true. I seldom have regrets regardless of the path taken or the outcome. I don't know if this is because I've just been lucky, or if it's actually something that's part of my makeup. Wow, could this even be something positive about me and my personality? What a strange thought.

I'd better stop now before I get carried away.

I love you guys (male and female).

Flip

Catching Up

Haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately.

Very busy/frustrated/angry at work - almost on a daily basis. The silver lining is that work problems are the biggest, most overwhelming problems vs. home / mental / emotional problems.

But those other guys are always hanging out on the front porch should they need to dash back in the house.

Last month my younger child graduated from high school. Very precious family times. I am so blessed to have them. Dr. M pointed out how lucky I am that my wife did not shut the door on our future when I tried to move out three+ years ago. He is right.

My confusion is not resolved.

A while back when requesting a prognosis from Dr. M regarding my life / sexuality issues he stated he thought it was something I would always struggle with (at least until I get so old my "thing" falls off). I really like that summary / prognosis. It's not fatal. And it doesn't make me evil that I haven't found the perfect answer. It's an ongoing struggle.

A struggle like we all have as humans.

Spiritual learning is particularly interesting to me these days. My current area of amateur study is learning more about Gnostic Christianity. This is helping answer some spiritual / religious questions I've had. As I understand it (having just scratched the surface) Gnostic Christianity represents Christianity as you might imagine Christ would model it for his followers, not as it might be interpreted by humans with all the weaknesses that we possess. One sticking point with many of today's Christians is the belief by some Gnostics that Christ was a mythical figure rather than a real man. Perhaps when someday I am living as the person I aspire to be - caring and loving of others consistently and without selfishness - then splitting the real man / myth hair will be meaningful to my continued improvement.

Regarding the ever-present question, "Has Flip stayed zipped?" the answer is, "More often than not, but not completely." Sounds like something I will always struggle with. Part of my struggle is working toward an ideal without being overly hard or easy on myself when I stray from my path. As of today I'm not particularly pleased with my behavior but I am not suicidal about it. Perhaps I just like myself a little bit more than I used to. At least for now.

Peace to you, my friends.

Flip

All Apologies why not

Kurt. Close.

AA. Cool.

"Everyone is gay." Sure.

Not gay. Conflict ed. Every gay straight. Some know / don't / care . don't. All there is No.

Apologies. All. Everything. What? Fucking up. Lives? Dumb. Dramatic (un)true/fair. Narcissism. Apologies. Sure? Sure.

Suicide Oblivion Beyond. comprehension. Self Cruel Alluring

Youth

Death

Sex y

Drugs

Rockandrolltoo

Why

Why (not)

K

All Apologies

Day One...Again

Back to square one. After almost five months.

No, I haven't started drinking again. Yes, I did "act out" (sounds like an unruly child...and come to think of it that is an apt description). Act out as in once again having sex with "the cowboy."

I guess I wasn't through yet. I thought I was. It felt like I was. There was a long stretch in there when I didn't even want to do it. And when I did think about it, it was usually in the context of "How in the hell could I ever have risked my marriage just to do that?"

"So why now?" you might ask.

On page 70, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."

Over the past couple of months my work life has become incredibly stressful - largely because of things outside of my control. Slowly but inexorably as I turned inward my serenity drifted away. Why did I do this? I'm not sure, but my best guess is because I wanted to feel different. And I did feel different for a little while. And it felt good to feel different. But it hasn't made anything go away.

Today, I am not dwelling on heartache although it may come anyway. What I'm going to try to do is return to a few simple suggestions my sponsor made when we last talked seriously about the imperious urge. Suggestions for how to throw myself into helping others, how to get outside of myself. It worked before. It can work again.

Maybe I'm through now.

Peace.

F