Halo Adjustment

I fear recent posts have left me sounding a little too pious and noble for my own good. If so, I am misleading you and myself. Like most alcoholics I tend (as in lean heavily) towards the grandiose and self-centered. I believe “narcissistic” is the psychological term. Honestly, I abhor and fight this tendency, but the symptoms of narcissism include false modesty in order to attract attention and garner contradictory opinions which could be considered praise (eg Flip: "I’m a complete shit." Kind Reader: "No, you are very pious and noble…")

I have made much progress from the person I was in early 2004. I still have a long way to go. Numerous, large steps backward are not uncommon after inching forward.

Although lately I've been blessed with a reduction in desire to "act out" sexually, I do from time to time check out Craig’s List and similar old haunts for listings and pictures. A good idea? No. Do I do it anyway? Yes. See! Not so pious and noble.

Yesterday I saw a listing from a married man about my age living in my part of town. He is looking for a like-minded individual to engage in exclusive (implication “safe”) same-gender play. (Is that euphemistic enough?)

Advice I have received to help avoid temptation is to immediately dismiss potentially harmful thoughts and impulses as I would brush a burning ember from my skin. I like that analogy.

I replied to the listing.

I've since received a request for more information about me to which I also replied. Hmmm. I think the gremlins may be emerging from hibernation. My stalker is peering in the window.

Here’s my chance to see just how much of my recent chaste behavior is due to a noble intent to practice rigorous honesty to stay sober and ultimately have a chance to be the person I would like to be, and how much of it is because of the current psychotropic drugs I am taking along with my ever-present fear of getting bounced out of the house by my long-suffering wife if I do anymore stupid, dishonest things.

To paraphrase the illustrious Dr. M (my shrink) “King Baby” is back and he wants what he wants.

Stay tuned.



On a related note. Borrowing from a local newspaper columnist’s contrivance, I would also like to offer:

Flip’s Previous Week in Review – The Seven Deadly Sins

Categories

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.


Rating Scale
1 EXTREMELY VIRTUOUS
2
3
4
5
6
7 EXTREMELY SINFUL


Summary of Last Week

Pride – 6. Looking down on parents of my child’s friends because they seem like complete nerds. Being tempted to write posts that might attract praise rather than enlighten and inform readers / myself. Getting offended when soliciting advice from a former boss / good friend when the advice might be interpreted to indicate that I am not perfect.

Envy – 6. Continuing to question my path of staying married vs. leaving the marriage (and being able to indulge my inner slut guilt free), specifically focused on blog friends who are pursuing the path to freedom.

Gluttony – 4. Inability to stop eating Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and gummy Life Savers. Diet Coke is still a major problem too.

Lust – 4 and increasing. See post above. Outlook cloudy and somewhat ominous for the week ahead.

Anger – 5. See Pride, specifically reaction to advice from colleague / friend.

Greed – 3. No major outbreaks although interest in new St. Francis-like career was diminished at the end of the week when I realized I would probably be making one-third of my current salary even though several years of full-time graduate work would be required to enter the field.

Sloth – 7+. Much at-work-time spent reading blogs, writing posts and surfing Airliners.net and Flightlevel350.com. Have completely fallen off the exercise wagon.

Overall Score – 5.0

Cheers!

Flip

Stand Still

Most mornings I start my day by reading short, daily selections from four spiritual / recovery type books.

In one of these books, Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men, each day's selection begins with a quote from a famous or seemingly-famous source followed by a message related to the quote.

Today's quote seems relevant to a number of (all of?) our lives. Plus I remembered it after reading and reflecting on Mr. Secret's random thing "c)" in his post today.

In addition to reading it as written I've tried substituting "truth", "destiny", "bliss" and "relationship" (Rey?) for "livelihood." Try it. Try your own substitutions.

"Why are you rushing so much?" asked the rabbi. "I'm rushing after my livelihood," the man answered.

"And how do you know," said the rabbi, "that your livelihood is running on before you, so that you have to rush after it? Perhaps it's behind you , and all you need to do is stand still."

--Tale about Rabbi Ben Meir of Berdechiev

Have a great weekend, and thanks for being there.

Flip

Beyond the Lights

I've reposted this because originally the next to last verse of "Beyond the Lights" was left out. It has now been added below.

************************************************************************************

In memory of L. P.

L. died one year ago this month. He died the day before through the grace of the God of my (mis)understanding and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I achieved one year of sobriety.

L. was like a brother to me and to my wife, although he was much more present in our lives than either of our brothers. He was part of our children’s lives from before they were born. They called him “uncle.” My family saw him almost every week of our lives for almost 25 years. Until those last few months.

I was sobering up, L. was sinking. I tried to help him. I shared my experience. I told him I would do anything I could to help him. I didn't.

What were we doing while he slipped so far beyond the lights?

This is not about guilt. I didn’t kill L. Alcoholism killed him. But I learned a good lesson the hard way. The next time I tell someone I will do anything I can to help them I will better understand what that means.

L., we miss you and love you more than you could ever know. More than we ever let you know.

Rest in peace, my friend.

***********************************************************

Beyond the Lights
Cheryl Wheeler

Thought you'd bide your time and play your part
but you were wrong dear.
Somewhere down the line your lonely heart
could not belong here.
And in some frame of reason, beyond our vision,
Your love lagged behind and fell apart
Without a soul to hear.

On a night like this the stars don't shine
and there's no moonlight.
We're like you I guess, we bide our time,
try to play our parts right,
and wonder where you gathered your angry sorrow.
Through the rolling mist the scenes unwind.
They seem so clear tonight.

And when I sleep you are crying still,
The way you touch your brow, hang your head,
I never knew and I never will,
The voices haunting you, a thing that I could do.

Were they in your stars
those lonely nights, tormented hours?
Something snapped your spars
and slacked your lines and took your powers.
Did no one see you sinking till you'd gone under?
While you slipped so far beyond the lights,
were we just watching ours?