Afraid

In 2004, after announcing to my wife and children that I needed to move out and work on the “gay thing” and all hell broke loose, I never did move out.

Why? I was afraid. I’d like to think there was more to it than that. I'd like it to be this big, complicated thing. It wasn't. It was simple. It was fear.

As I planned and executed that drama, I imagined it as a big coming out story. Coming out is brave. It’s a declaration of honesty. There are lots of books about it, movies too. What a noble thing to do.

The betrayal? The lies? The boyfriend? It's not noble, it's sordid.

TIME OUT! Before you delete me from your “favorites” list never to return, I must say I truly believe coming out is noble. It's a declaration of truth. It deserves to be written about. Filmed. I admire and draw inspiration from those who are out or coming out.

Unfortunately, two years ago what I was doing was not coming out. I came out back in the mid 70's when I told my future wife I was attracted to guys. She told me she loved me and accepted me. Simple. Noble.

Two years ago I was a self-centered jerk who found a noble storyline I hoped would draw attention away from the sordid facts. Cowardly. Afraid.

TIME OUT AGAIN! Before any of you jump to defend me against myself (are you there?), I love you, but please don’t. With as little drama as I am capable of (and that's a lot) I’m honestly trying to own up to precisely what I did. No more, no less.

To those of you who are out or coming out, I apologize for implying in previous posts, comments and emails that the path I took has anything to do with what you are going through. I have liberally passed out pseudo-advice in the guise of “my experience.” Yes, see the dirty-needle heroin addict pass out advice on chemotherapy to cancer patients fighting for their lives.

Enough. That's as far as I can go right now.

You guessed it. I’m afraid.

Flip

Simple

[Apologies. Blatantly stolen from a favorite Far Side cartoon.]

Blahblah blah Flip’s Needy Blahblah!

Blah storm clouds blah blahblah. Blah blah blah, gloomy blah-blah-blah-blah feeling blah blah blah blah me.

I blah blah blah blahblah, but blahblah blah blahblah blahblah I blah I blah. Blahblah, I blah blah blahblah blahblahblah myself. Blah blah I blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah I blahblah blah blah blahblah.

Blah my blahblahblahblah blah blahblah blah blahblah [stupid pun]:

1. Blah blah blahblahblah AA meetings blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah. I need blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blahlblah blah blah sane.
2. Blah blahblah blahblah blah blahblah blah. I blah blah blah blah emotional drunk blah blah.
3. Blahblahblah blahblahblahblah blahblah: blah blah blah blahblah Dr. M. Blah blah blahblahblah blahblah blahblahblahblah blah blah for me, blah blah I blahblah blah blah blah blahblah. I blah blah blahblah.
   

Blah me blahblahblahblah blah blahblah I am not blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blahblahblah blahblah blah blah Flip grow up and stay sane, blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH blah my (blah)blahblahblahblah blah blah blahblah blahblah blah blah.


Timeline

11:00-11:30 Write first draft of post
12:00-1:00 Attend AA meeting. Topic: "Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."*
2:00-2:15 Revise post. Publish.

* Alcoholics Anonymous p. 62.

Have a great day.

Flip

Meme Finally

Ask a Question, Answer a Question

This meme was "originated" by SupaMum, and here are the rules: I ask a question and who I tag answers the question and then tags other people and asks them a question. The question can be anything. And it can cause a thread conversation. Last Tuesday I was tagged by Woe with the following question:

What is your passion or life's calling?

Being a master procrastinator I have thought a lot about my answer and been unable to post anything else until it appears. (A case of "procrastipation"?)

My impulsive answer is, “Helping others.”

I don’t like that answer because it’s way too easy, it doesn’t feel rigorously honest and most glaringly the preponderance of my actions argue otherwise.

The rigorously honest answer is, “I don’t know…yet.”

Until then the best I can do is copy down what I wrote last March when, as I started my Fifth Step* with my sponsor, he asked me, “What do you want out of your life?”

Already painfully aware of my inability to answer the simplest of questions, he wisely told me to write down the answer immediately before I could start babbling. I wrote:

1. I want to be loved.
2. I want to be at peace.
3. I want to quit pursuing things that I think will make me happy that [actually] make me feel like shit:
   a. Wanting to drink
   b. Criticizing people
   c. Having anonymous sex
4. I want to live the life I’m supposed to live instead of trying to orchestrate a life that satisfies my passing fantasies / urges.

There you have it.

And with the question, “What is the first thing you would do (besides review your choice of news outlets) if Fox News reported that earth was unquestionably going to be destroyed by a huge meteor at midnight (your) local time?”

I tag:

Drew

Cymber

Hypoxic (c'mon, play...please, please, please????)

Later.

Flip


* Step Five: “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” The “admission” typically involves reviewing a written Step Four: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”