Approaching Willing

I just reread my prior post. It certainly contained a lot of words (mostly quotes from books) and a number of typos, too. The typos - at least the ones I found - have been corrected. And thanks to all who made the effort to slog through all those words.

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Although I haven't yet run this by my sponsor (and it may all change after I do), it has finally dawned on me that perhaps I'm reluctant to do my Eighth Step (the list) and begin making Ninth Step amends because I am still sexually "acting out" (my apologies for the euphemism - but hey, it's my blog). Or to be a little more honest, because I'm not doing everything in my power to stop "acting out." I may be a slimeball, but even I cannot imagine making amends to my wife for all the pain I have brought her while still knowing I'm not doing everything I can to stay true to her.

As I have heard in meetings, it may be up to our higher power to remove our character defects, but it's probably a lot easier if we are not actively engaging in them. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out this applies to me too, but it really sank in last week when I was preparing to discuss "repentance" with the prisoners. This was the fourth time in the past year and a half I've prepared for the same "repentance" session, but this time my understanding of how it applied to me was very different. Perhaps I was ready...ready to listen, ready to get honest. Then over the weekend while browsing at the used bookstore I came across an incredible book (which I have already finished) devoted to Steps Six and Seven. How very timely.

Last week I tried praying repeatedly for the willingness to be entirely ready to have removed the character defect that allows me to have anonymous sex with men without my wife's knowledge (there, I said it). Of course I know it's not gone. I know it's as close as my...well, fill in your own euphemism. But for today I feel a lot closer to being willing to have it removed (the character defect, not...um..."it"... although that would probably be most effective) than I have in the past. I am attributing this to prayers, service work and keeping my eyes open at the bookstore.

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Changing the subject, does anyone have ideas for new words or phrases I can use in my profile description (the "Middle age, middle America blah blah blah") that might be more indicative of what to expect in this blog? Perhaps it is fine as it stands, but I'm not sure. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am thinking of modifying it.

Have a good day and thanks for being there.

Flip

Difficult And Often Not Fun At All

Part One

Pages 84 and 85 in The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, provide suggestions for following Step Ten ("Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.") Two passages from these pages which helped me yesterday are:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (p. 85)

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." (P.84)

On my way to work yesterday I was pondering hooking up with someone at lunch. I knew doing this would be wrong because in my current circumstances it is a selfish and dishonest action. This time I decided to try something new. I said a quick prayer asking for help with this.

As soon as I got to work I was unexpectedly and immediately embroiled in a situation involving a co-worker and friend from a company associated with mine who for reasons most probably related to substance abuse is about to lose his job. Yesterday he was at the point of a complete emotional breakdown. I had the opportunity to assist in convincing him he needed to take some immediate steps to arrest his downward spiral. This "intervention" lasted through mid-afternoon. I had neither time for nor thoughts of hooking up.

I hope this helped my friend. Time will tell. For me, it was the answer to a prayer.


Part Two

After the aforementioned "intervention" I exchanged emails with an online friend in which we were sharing some recent experiences as married queers (just checking to see if you are there, Brad). I think the combination of sharing some of the darker aspects of my experience as an alcoholic earler in the day plus pondering the married / bi situation sent my mood into a sudden and unexpected downward spiral towards despair. I wallowed in that for a few minutes, but then remembered it was almost time to start on the long drive to my weekly service work at the prison. Before leaving I needed to prepare for the session.

The topic of last night's session was "Repentance." One of the books we use in the program is Restoring Peace, Using Lessons From Prison to Mend Broken Relationships, by Kirk Blackard.

A few of the passages from the chapter on repentance that really spoke to me were:

"Repentance involves much more than a change of mind or behavior, or feeling sorry for one's actions. It is more than a jailhouse conversion or temporary change until the tumult dies down. True repentance is a transformation in which a person's fundamental character and being, not just his surface behavior, become permanently different. Repentance is the process by which humans leave their sins and bad behavior behind and radically and deliberately change their hearts and attitudes as well as their actions." (P. 105)

Repentance is difficult and often not fun at all. C. S. Lewis described the process as follows in Mere Chritianity:

In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs mprovements: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor -- that is the only way our of our 'hole.' This process of surrender -- this movement full speed astern -- is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death.

(p 106)

"The journey of change, like climbing a mountain, is usually a difficult struggle, with temptations to quit or turn back. When you complete the journey, however, you are in an entirely new world that is very different from where you started. The old world is still there, but it is less significant, you see it differently. When you enter your new world, you have repented." (P. 107)

"Repentance is not a one-time event, but is an ongoing, daily, hourly attitude and change of life." (P. 107)

"Focusing less on "me" and more on others will probably help you in transforming yourself and your relationships with others." (P. 109)

"The next step is change. If your focus...has been on yourself, you now realize you need to develop an "other" focus in your life and plan to transform yourself by emphasizing others. Listening, empathizing with others, embracing better choices, seeking God's help, and viewing repentance as a journey will help you with this process." (P.109)


After doing the reading necessary to prepare for last night's session my mood had changed. The feeling of despair was gone.

My thoughts and actions indicate to me that I still need to change, to lay down my arms, to surrender, to "move full speed astern." Real and lasting change is difficult. It is often not fun at all.

But I have complete faith that it's worth it.

Have a great weekend.

Flip

Flipped

I think I may have previously posted about this, or something like it. Or maybe someone else did. Either way it is very much on my mind right now.

When I was young, I had dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up. What kind of career I wanted to have. What kind of man I wanted to be. What I wanted to accomplish during my time on earth. I tried to, at least somewhat, coordinate my actions with those dreams.

Somewhere in the past couple of decades it flipped. I started changing my dreams to align with, or more honestly, to justify my actions.

Dreams replaced by contrivances.

Now my brain is clearing. I’m growing up. Some of those old dreams are coming back…along with some new ones. Now some of my actions are aligned with those dreams. That needs to become more consistent, more natural. I believe I’m on course for that to happen.

I hope and pray I can stay on that course. I have faith it will be worth it.

F