"...confidence in dad is rising high."

Stolen from woe who stole it from Spider:

Here are the rules:
1. Grab the nearest book
2. Open the book to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences (#5,6,7) on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest. No cheating.

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be
back, they think. Sometimes they demand that dad bring them back
instantly!

I’m at work, so the closest book other than a dictionary is the book Alcoholics Anonymous, known among us drunks as the Big Book, a small copy of which I always carry in my backpack. Of course the chapter from which it comes, entitled “The Family Afterward,” refers to after dad gets sober.

When I first got into AA I found it a bit off-putting that some of the writing in the Big Book sounded so dated. (Gee whiz, now moms can be drunks too!! But it was written in the 1930's). Now I find it kind of charming and just read for the message.

Anyway, I'm not sure family confidence in this dad is rising high, but I hope it's slowly improving. And I really hope that's warranted.

Bye

Today

Yesterday I discovered Closet Man and his “blog wife” (not his real wife) Closet Man’s Wife. I wish them both well, and it is a good reminder for me that I am not alone on this journey. I’m on a journey with my wife and kids as well.

Not surprisingly, I found Mrs. Closet Man’s postings very difficult to read. My initial reaction was to hate her as much as she hates me. She reminds me of what I have done to my wife. I want to deny the real depth of pain and suffering I have caused her. And when I’m not denying it, I want to hate myself for it.

As a very wise man frequently reminds me, “My biggest problem is not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem.” This is true for me. Maybe it’s true for Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man’s real husband and many of the rest of us on similar journeys. Or maybe not.

Today is all I have. Today I feel grateful for my biggest problems. I’m queer. I’m an alcoholic. I’m a husband. I’m a dad. I’m doing the best I can, just like I was when I married a woman even though I knew I was also attracted to men. And just like I was when I drank my feelings away. And just like I was when I secretly planned to leave my wife, and even when I decided it was time to get honest with her and our family before I had gotten honest with myself.

I believe Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man and even Mrs. Closet Man’s real husband are all probably doing the best they can too.

It’s a beautiful day today. I hope you enjoy it.

Flip

Denial

Happy Friday everyone!

First, the latest on my friend: She came to work in good spirits today and claims to be very optimistic about the results of the tests she will undergo on Monday. I suspect this may be an act since last night she wrote her own will and living will, had them notarized first thing this morning and immediately mailed them off somewhere. I continue to pray for her. Thanks to those of you who said you will pray for her too.

Since my denial duh-epiphany at my shrink appointment this week I've been thinking a lot about.......denial. Here are some items grouped into suspected denial categories for analysis purposes:

I. I Suspect I May Be In Complete Denial About:

Everything listed in Category III.


II. I Suspect I May Be In Partial Denial (is there such a thing?) About:

1. My utter guilt and shame for breaking my wedding vows by cheating on my wife with other guys
2. The magnitude of the damage I did to my wife by engaging in this behavior and by threatening to leave her 2004
3. The damage my continued occasional (as if that softens it! See? Denial!!)
   sexually acting out* may yet do to my wife and my relationship, not to mention
   the damage it may be doing to me
4. My shame for being a queer
5. The damage I did to my kids by being an alcoholic father
6. How I really feel about my mother, father, brother and deceased grandmother
7. How I feel about that grandmother's death
8. My fear of…too many things to list

*(Note: sexually acting out = anonymous sex with men. Footnotes and euphemisms appear to be good denial detectors.)


III. I Suspect I May Not Be In Denial About:

Start with everything listed in Category I.


Hey wait, I thought the theme for the week is "surrender." Why should I care about analyzing these? Isn't that the opposite of surrendering?

I honestly don't know. Regardless, I believe being more honest about these feelings may help me become more sane and do more thorough Eighth and Ninth Steps (making a list of, and amends to, those I have harmed).

We shall see.

Cheers.

Flip