A couple of years ago I was newly sober and trying to extract myself from the insanity of living a full-fledged double life – wife, family and single boyfriend (to whose upkeep I was contributing significantly – see various and sundry earlier posts if you are interested, but it’s really more sad than fascinating).
I remember one conversation I had with my sponsor during that period when the end of my so-called relationship with aforementioned bf was not going very smoothly…at all. As I was complaining about the bf’s behavior and also mentioning my responses, retaliation, etc. my sponsor asked me what my goal was related to bf. I said, “I just want him out of my life,” to which he very wisely replied, “If you want him out of your life so much, why do you keep showing up in his?” Bingo. Ouch.
I bring this up because recently I have revived the goal of making my sexual preference and the associated conflicts it generates in my life as a man married to a woman (as much of) a non-issue (as possible). Meaning I would like to quit obsessing over finding the perfect solution to the situation, instead spending the energy and focus on other things.
So if my goal is to make this situation a non-issue, why do I keep making it an issue?
Why do I think about it constantly? Why do I talk about it so much to my therapist? Why do I blog about it incessantly? Although it is a big issue, perhaps a little right-sizing wouldn't hurt.
St. Francis is my hero. He is my Tiger Woods. I’m not an expert on St. Francis’ life. I’m not a Catholic. In fact I don’t even think I’m a Christian, though I certainly believe using Jesus as a role model is a great idea for any and all.
Regardless of those limitations, my goal is to eventually live a life as similar to (my shallow understanding of) St. Francis’ life as possible. Similar like owning as few possessions as possible. Like helping other people directly by sharing their struggles and their attempts to overcome those struggles. Like renouncing and fighting situations and forces that deny huge populations of people on this earth the chance to live lives imbued with even the most basic dignity.
Like a (very) novice golfer aspiring to retire on a golf course with no handicap, I have a long, long way to go. I’m fond of (way too many) creature comforts. I talk a lot about helping the downtrodden, but other than a once per week service work opportunity, it’s all talk. I work in an industry focused on encouraging ever-greater consumption by the haves. And I’ve got a lot of possessions I need to get rid of.
But it's a goal.
