Explaining

I’m currently reading the Richard Ford trilogy The Sportswriter, Independence Day and The Lay of the Land. So far I have read the first two. They are excellent reading.

On page 223 (Vintage paperback edition) of The Sportswriter, there are two quotes:

“Explaining is where we all get into trouble.”

And further down the page

“Some things can’t be explained. They just are. And after a while they disappear, usually forever, or become interesting in another way.”

I am married to a woman. I am, and always have been, physically attracted to men.

Why does this blog exist? To explain that? If so, perhaps that is a fundamental flaw.

When I think back over the past several years I have definitely gotten into trouble for more reasons than just trying to explain things. But explaining – or attempting to explain – has never gotten me out of trouble. In fact it’s led to some trouble of its own.

My, our, situation just is. After a while it will definitely disappear forever. In the meantime perhaps it will become interesting in another way. Or maybe it already has.

Since last posting my younger child has moved away from home to pursue her dream. I have gone off of and back on my antidepressants...a useful reminder that it takes a village (of groups, individuals and chemicals) to keep Flip sane. My wife and I are planning and preparing for a new phase of our life together. A new location, new jobs, it’s all on the table. But we’re planning together.

My struggles remain the same. Some days what’s right wins out, other days it doesn’t. But as of today I remain sober. And I remain mindful that’s a gift…of life and hope that could be gone by now.

Why have I been given this gift?

No explanation needed or given. It just is.

Love to you all,

K

What Will I Take With Me When I Go?

One of my daily reading and meditation sources is a book entitled Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Part of today's entry:

When we come to the end of our lives on earth, we will take no material thing with us. We will not take one cent in our cold, dead hands. The only things that we may take are the things we have given away. If we have helped others, we may take that with us; if we have given of our time and money for the good of A.A., we may take that with us. Looking back over our lives, what are we proud of? Not what we have gained for ourselves, but what few good deeds we have done. Those are the things that really matter in the long run. What will I take with me when I go?

What a great question. What will I take with me when I go? If I leave today, the answer is not much.

That's not fair. Who am I to judge? And am I even qualified to judge? So let me revise my answer.

Not as much as I could.

I can't change what I have given away so far in my life. I can only change what I give away from this day forward.

I'm very thankful AA has given me the opportunity to understand this - especially today, while I'm planning the rest of my life.

And how's that plan coming along? you might ask.

Fine. Just fine. Right on track.

I love you.

Flip

Three Days

In three days I'll be 50. Half a century of life. Lots of time...a great deal actually when compared to the number of meaningful accomplishments during that time.

During vacation I thought a lot about how I want to spend the second half of my life - which is probably not mathematically accurate - so perhaps the rest of my life is a more precise way to put it. There are two important ways I would like part two to be different.

1. I would like it NOT to be ruled by fear...the opposite of how I view the first 50 years.
2. I would like it to be characterized by more action than the first 50 years - preferably a LOT more.
   

No doubt focusing on #1 will very likely help #2 along a great deal.

I work best (more honestly "at all") with a deadline, therefore I have given myself until end of day Friday to plan the rest of my life. After that I will take action.

My initial thought is that I would like to spend more time creating. Currently I'm employed in the world of bidness. A world in which I have always felt like a stranger in a strange land, an imposter.

I can't change that immediately for very concrete financial reasons. But I can certainly engage in extracurricular activities (focusing on a meaning of the word "activity" that implies productive, creative action as opposed to thought) that have more to do with creating things other than wealth for myself and stockholders than my current activities.

Another thought: AA has taught me that life is about helping others. I believe it with all my heart. I think about it a lot...think about helping others...thinkthinkthink. Time to think less, do more.

It's late. I'm tired.

I'll have to work on this tomorrow. Three days is plenty of time.

Peace.

Flip