Something Positive? Huh? WTF?

Maybe I'm coming out of my blogging slump. Or maybe not. I know I've been checking in on some of my old blog haunts and even leaving comments. That's a good sign. And I've found a couple of new haunts.

One I found yesterday is My Journey Out.

Just when I think I've got all this stuff figured out, I come across a post like this one from My Journey Out: Get on the Damn Program

The comment I left:

You make a great point about guys being true to themselves by being themselves. I still can't figure out if I'm being true to myself by being the person I think I want to be (married) plus working toward being the person I think I can be (married and once again fatihful, plus so much more) or if I'm just trying to delay the inevitable.

One thing I'm not afraid of (though maybe I should be) is "..be[ing] on my death bed with any regrets about things I'd wish I'd done." I've never been one for regrets and I've already had a magical life...not that I'm ready for it to end (usually).

Thanks for sharing and listening.

F

What does this comment tell me about me? One thing is that although the frequency and intensity of questioning my current choices / status in life has decreased, it's not gone. And I believe the questioning will probably never be gone (at least until "it" falls off...Thanks Dr. M).

But the second paragraph of my comment reveals a me I haven't recognized in years, if ever. I didn't think about it while I wrote it, but what I wrote is true. I seldom have regrets regardless of the path taken or the outcome. I don't know if this is because I've just been lucky, or if it's actually something that's part of my makeup. Wow, could this even be something positive about me and my personality? What a strange thought.

I'd better stop now before I get carried away.

I love you guys (male and female).

Flip

Catching Up

Haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately.

Very busy/frustrated/angry at work - almost on a daily basis. The silver lining is that work problems are the biggest, most overwhelming problems vs. home / mental / emotional problems.

But those other guys are always hanging out on the front porch should they need to dash back in the house.

Last month my younger child graduated from high school. Very precious family times. I am so blessed to have them. Dr. M pointed out how lucky I am that my wife did not shut the door on our future when I tried to move out three+ years ago. He is right.

My confusion is not resolved.

A while back when requesting a prognosis from Dr. M regarding my life / sexuality issues he stated he thought it was something I would always struggle with (at least until I get so old my "thing" falls off). I really like that summary / prognosis. It's not fatal. And it doesn't make me evil that I haven't found the perfect answer. It's an ongoing struggle.

A struggle like we all have as humans.

Spiritual learning is particularly interesting to me these days. My current area of amateur study is learning more about Gnostic Christianity. This is helping answer some spiritual / religious questions I've had. As I understand it (having just scratched the surface) Gnostic Christianity represents Christianity as you might imagine Christ would model it for his followers, not as it might be interpreted by humans with all the weaknesses that we possess. One sticking point with many of today's Christians is the belief by some Gnostics that Christ was a mythical figure rather than a real man. Perhaps when someday I am living as the person I aspire to be - caring and loving of others consistently and without selfishness - then splitting the real man / myth hair will be meaningful to my continued improvement.

Regarding the ever-present question, "Has Flip stayed zipped?" the answer is, "More often than not, but not completely." Sounds like something I will always struggle with. Part of my struggle is working toward an ideal without being overly hard or easy on myself when I stray from my path. As of today I'm not particularly pleased with my behavior but I am not suicidal about it. Perhaps I just like myself a little bit more than I used to. At least for now.

Peace to you, my friends.

Flip