Kurt. Close.
AA. Cool.
"Everyone is gay." Sure.
Not gay. Conflict ed. Every gay straight. Some know / don't / care . don't. All there is No.
Apologies. All. Everything. What? Fucking up. Lives? Dumb. Dramatic (un)true/fair. Narcissism. Apologies. Sure? Sure.
Suicide Oblivion Beyond. comprehension. Self Cruel Alluring
Youth
Death
Sex y
Drugs
Rockandrolltoo
Why
Why (not)
K
Back to square one. After almost five months.
No, I haven't started drinking again. Yes, I did "act out" (sounds like an unruly child...and come to think of it that is an apt description). Act out as in once again having sex with "the cowboy."
I guess I wasn't through yet. I thought I was. It felt like I was. There was a long stretch in there when I didn't even want to do it. And when I did think about it, it was usually in the context of "How in the hell could I ever have risked my marriage just to do that?"
"So why now?" you might ask.
On page 70, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."
Over the past couple of months my work life has become incredibly stressful - largely because of things outside of my control. Slowly but inexorably as I turned inward my serenity drifted away. Why did I do this? I'm not sure, but my best guess is because I wanted to feel different. And I did feel different for a little while. And it felt good to feel different. But it hasn't made anything go away.
Today, I am not dwelling on heartache although it may come anyway. What I'm going to try to do is return to a few simple suggestions my sponsor made when we last talked seriously about the imperious urge. Suggestions for how to throw myself into helping others, how to get outside of myself. It worked before. It can work again.
Maybe I'm through now.
Peace.
I left the following comment responding to Grace's comments on Nate's post "Relativity":Hi Grace,
You said:"a supposed 'family man' coming 'out' and behaving in ways that a family man would not typically behave....in the name of being gay. i'm reacting to that aspect more than i should...probably...."
Ouch!
I can't say how this applies to Nate, but it certainly applies to me even though I wish it were not so.
To me there are two challenges. 1) Being COMPLETELY honest with yourself. Completely doesn't mean only honest enough to justify self-centered behavior. 2) Putting others' safety, health and well-being first - and this starts with ones' family.
For me, it takes a whole lot of growing up, courage and honesty to try to achieve these two goals. And it is a daily challenge.It's often no fun growing up...being a family man...but it does have its rewards. And if that's the path one has chosen, it's not right to leave the path before the journey is finished.
F
I'm not sure what, if anything, I was thinking and feeling when I left this post. In retrospect it certainly sounds like I was feeling judgmental. Was I judging Nate? Although I hate to say it, it certainly seems so.
Almost from the time I hit "publish" on the comment it has bothered me. Why? Because when my judgmental side - a very large side indeed - starts appearing I know I'm in trouble.
One of my BBB's (Best Blog Buds) Brad (oooh, an orgy of alliteration!!) has pointed out in the past that he and I have polar opposite blogging patterns. He posts more when things are going well. I post more when my life has gone to shit.
I have not regularly posted for a while, and I took a little detour to Wordpress, because things were going very well in my life. I was following my sponsor's and the cult's suggestions for maintaining serenity in my life. Then troubles hit in the form of incredible work-related frustrations and pressures - which also meant more time out of town...alone. Alone is not good for Flip.
For the first few weeks of work-related hell, serenity prevailed. So much so that people at work commented on it. Then as the pressure and travel continued uninterrupted, I started letting up on my simple plan for serenity (and dealing with my old friend "the imperious urge"...the urge to engage in sex outside of my marriage).
That particular obsession had been removed earlier this year. It's back. My comment for Nate was a big warning sign that serenity was headed out of town...a warning sign that I saw. Unfortunately warning signs do not help if the "warnee" pays no attention.
Nate was gracious enough in a later post / comment to thank me for my comment. But I feel I owe him an apology. I don't really know Nate other than through his blog and occasional email correspondence. Even if it were wise for me to be judgmental, I quite honestly know so little of the real person Nate and the complete story of his life, there is little about which I could be judgmental. That, combined with the fact that the part of Nate I understand has much in common with me, signals to me that I'm probably not judging Nate. I'm judging me. And I'm not liking what I see.
Nate, I apologize. I was wrong to imply you are not making wise decisions regarding your children. I hope I have learned something from this experience.
For what it's worth, serenity has taken a vacation. I'm "off the beam" as we say in our little cult. I think it's time for me to get back on the beam.
In the meantime, no doubt, I'll be shouting at you again soon.
Cheers.
F
