There Are No Crossroads On A Mobius Strip

Today, and for a few todays in a row, life has been different.

Peace and serenity the norm. Disturbance the abnorm. Different from the not so distant past. I'm enjoying it today. On the advice of my sponsor I'm not thinking about how long it might last or what might happen if it goes away.

Wondering about this blog. What to do about it? So many posts reminding of today's adnorm. Blow it away? Archive it? Just disappear? Reinvent it - a new blog with a new mission?

Today, the remembrance that the name was not random. It looks like it has two sides, but it doesn't. It's all the same surface. The same person. Even when it looks (like) Flip(ed) it isn't. It's me. The same me. Very different. The same.

Maybe I can get used to writing about different things. Other sides of the same surface. The desires: to do something different, to divest myself of stuff, to make a difference if there's a difference I can make. The experiences and people: family, coworkers, you, service work, returning urges.

The desire to be an instrument of God's peace even if I don't know much about God. To improve my conscious contact with God, and love, and you. All of you - there and not there.

Maybe.

We'll see.

Peace and love to you all.

Flip

Addiction and the "Imperious Urge"

Update: Thanks to Paul for notifying me that I had inadvertently restricted comments. I guess it happened when I was trying to turn on "word verification" which I only did grudgingly after the 500th spam comment. My apologies to anyone who tried to comment. F

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In commenting on my last post Dykewife wisely suggested: "...anyway, what i was thinking is that maybe the trysts you've had have been a sort of addiction. i could be way off base, but there's something very adrenaline pumping about having the "forbidden fruit" as it were.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. It doesn't exactly seem on target. On the other hand, the trysts have undoubtedly been a way of trying to feel different. And quite frequently I have not been able to control my impulse to engage in them. And while at first exhilarating, they ultimately leave me feeling worse than I did before I engaged in them. Sounds like a sort of addiction to me.

Spider commented: "You use the phrase 'imperious urge'... that has such a negative and almost evil connotation to me, and it is probably just me... what you are feeling is not negative or bad, in my opinion, it is just not healthy for you now where you are in your life and for the direction you are going. I hope you are not staying away because the thoughts are so wicked and evil..."

I took the term "imperious urge" from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous where it is used to describe sexual impulses. I don't interpret it to imply anything evil or negative but rather to indicate the strength with which the sexual urge or impulse can "grip" us as human animals. But in retrospect I should have quoted more of the passage because I can see how use of the term could cause some misunderstanding.

From page 70 of Alcoholics Anonymous:

To sum up about sex. We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

This describes perfectly where I am right now and what I'm trying to achieve. My ideal is to stay true to my wife, but not because I think my desires are evil or negative. Rather because, as Spider pointed out, they are not healthy for me where I am in my journey and for the direction I'm taking. Yielding to those impulses is not evil or wicked, but for me, for now, it "would mean heartache."

For today, that obsession(or perhaps addiction), has been lifted. I am able to focus on other aspects of my life. And for that I'm extremely grateful.

Have a peaceful day,

F

Steady As She Goes

This latest period of being faithful to my wife feels different from previous attempts. This time I'm really grateful for the peace and serenity I feel. So far I have felt almost no longing for what I'm giving up and no resentment for giving it up.

This time I'm seriously guarding the peace and serenity resulting from the honesty. I'm trying much harder than in the past to follow my sponsor's suggestions for warding off the "imperious urge" through service work, reaching out to others in AA and generally becoming a part of the fellowship of men in my AA group. I'm trying whole-heartedly, not half-heartedly, to avoid old situations, playgrounds and playmates that I associate with being unfaithful.

I'm protective of my peace and serenity because they feel so good and because I have little to offer others in AA, a program requiring rigorous honesty, if I can't practice rigorous honesty myself.

Last weekend, amid the chaos of a kid-focused weekend, my wife and I had a chance to talk to each other about ourselves. What we like, what we don't like, things that are important to us as individuals. It was like being on a date with someone you are just getting to know where you want to learn about him / her and she / he wants to learn about you. No baggage included.

It was neat. I really like her. Just the way she is. And I think she likes me too.

F