Denial
Happy Friday everyone!
First, the latest on my friend: She came to work in good spirits today and claims to be very optimistic about the results of the tests she will undergo on Monday. I suspect this may be an act since last night she wrote her own will and living will, had them notarized first thing this morning and immediately mailed them off somewhere. I continue to pray for her. Thanks to those of you who said you will pray for her too.
Since my denial duh-epiphany at my shrink appointment this week I've been thinking a lot about.......denial. Here are some items grouped into suspected denial categories for analysis purposes:
I. I Suspect I May Be In Complete Denial About:
Everything listed in Category III.
II. I Suspect I May Be In Partial Denial (is there such a thing?) About:
- My utter guilt and shame for breaking my wedding vows by cheating on my wife with other guys
- The magnitude of the damage I did to my wife by engaging in this behavior and by threatening to leave her 2004
- The damage my continued occasional (as if that softens it! See? Denial!!)
sexually acting out* may yet do to my wife and my relationship, not to mention
the damage it may be doing to me - My shame for being a queer
*(Note: sexually acting out = anonymous sex with men. Footnotes and euphemisms appear to be good denial detectors.)
III. I Suspect I May Not Be In Denial About:
Start with everything listed in Category I.
Hey wait, I thought the theme for the week is "surrender." Why should I care about analyzing these? Isn't that the opposite of surrendering?
I honestly don't know. Regardless, I believe being more honest about these feelings may help me become more sane and do more thorough Eighth and Ninth Steps (making a list of, and amends to, those I have harmed).
We shall see.
Cheers.
Flip
4 comments:
Maybe your friend got the will and living will for peace of mind, just in case... But I will keep her in my thoughts.
And good for you for taking steps in making things better for yourself... Admitting that there's something wrong is the first step to understanding things, and as you know, there were quite a few of us in your shoes at one time or another...
xo
Learning to surrender and growing in self-knowledge are not contradictory courses of action. The fact that you are doing the work is redemption itself.
Thank you both for your insights.
At least my friend you are learning to recognise where you are in denial.
Denial had been my closest ally for to long.
You know I wish you well in this walk.
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