MOI

I'm 48. I've been attracted to guys since I was about 11 and also have vague memories of being attracted to females too (or do I?). I never acted on my attraction to males in a physical way until four or five years ago.

Married when I was right out of college, I had told my wife about my bisexual feelings several years before we were married. She displayed no problem with it conceptually but never encouraged or expected me to act on the feelings. We have two children - one in high school, one newly graduated from college - both currently living at home.

I come from a long line of alcoholics, drug addicts, suicide attempters and generally "restless, irritable and discontent" people. My parents are not alcoholics and they did a good job raising me and my brother. In high school I was afraid of drinking because of the wrecked lives I had witnessed among my relatives. That changed on high school graduation night when I met my new best friend, Jack Daniels. The drinking progressed...becoming really bad in my thirties.

About four years ago I started playing with other guys on the side. I would stop for a while then start up again. It got really bad when I started seeing this one special guy. I started helping him out financially and secretly made plans to leave my family and move in with him. This insanity was fueled by (but not caused by) my drinking. A turning point came in early 2004 when my wife (drunk) challenged me (drunk) on some of my lies. On the spot I told her the whole "queer" thing was really getting to me and I needed to move out and try living on my own.

Wow. What an interesting chain of events after that. I came out to my kids that night. I came out to my closest friends, family and coworkers shortly thereafter.

Long story short - I quit drinking in March 2004 and continue to be a very grateful member of AA. I never did move out. I told my wife about my "playing" and about the one special guy though she is still unaware of the financial support I provided him. I quit supporting him and he was "gone" within 24 hours. Surprise, surprise.

I'm now trying to clean up the wreckage of my insane behavior which includes doing my part to make our marriage work. She is too. I love her and I want to grow old with her. I know the odds are not good, but my relationship with her is better than it has been in a long time. My relationship with my kids is better than EVER.

I continue to misbehave occasionally without telling her. I'm not proud it. In fact I am fighting it, but obviously not hard enough. The struggle continues, but I now have (glimpses of) faith that things may work out.

My current goal is to make the sexual confusion a non-issue in my life. I would like to find peace and serenity so I can accomplish whatever is left for me to accomplish during my remaining time on earth.

We'll see.