Today, Gratitude

AA makes it crystal clear that rigorous honesty is critical to my continued sobriety. Sobriety gives me a chance to live.

My shrink, the esteemed Dr. M, has been reminding me since I started seeing him two years ago that it takes a lot of energy to live a double life.

When he first said it I agreed wholeheartedly. I was almost totally closeted, married with children and had a secret boyfriend on the side whom I was partially supporting financially. I was run ragged and at the end of my rope. My only relief was drinking and that was working less and less.

As I came out to family and close friends, sobered up and shed the boyfriend I wondered why Dr. M periodically kept mentioning the double life / energy thing. I assumed he was not paying sufficient attention to the progress I was making. After all, I had gotten to a point where my only complication was occasional anonymous (as safe as possible) sex with men. I was almost not living a double life. I was almost honest.

Rigorous honesty. I hate rigorous honesty. It means I don’t get to have my way. For example, I can’t be the husband and father I want to be and still have the excitement of sex with men. It’s been over a month since I’ve felt that excitement. The desire is not gone, but the obsession has been lifted for now, for today.

Rigorous honesty. I love rigorous honesty. Two days ago my wife and I had a long conversation with one of our children about the importance of honesty. For the first time in about four years I got to fully participate in one of those "honesty" conversations as the father and husband I want to be. I could focus on the conversation without the distraction of my hypocrisy. I could focus on my child. On my family.

Rigorous honesty. Growing up. What a wonderful gift I have been given. Today.

Have a great today.

Flip