Abstractions, Answers, Apology

Abstractions

From Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men, April 19 entry.

Some of us, observing that ideals are rarely
achieved, proceed to the error of considering them worthless. Such an error is greatly harmful. True North cannot be reached either, since it is an abstraction, but it is of enormous importance, as all the world's travelers can attest.

- Steve Allen

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I do accept standards for my life. I will not beat on myself for my imperfections.

This helps me remember that it is OK, in fact healthy, to accept the gap between my behavior and my ideals. But it is also important to keep trying to narrow that gap.

Answers

Here are some questions A Troll at Sea asked a while back and my answers:

How many of you still want to stay married?

I do.

How many of you have given up or would give up sex with men to stay married?

I am trying, obviously without complete success. My most recent slip occurred after 87 “clean” days during which I rarely, if ever, thought about straying. Recently I am learning a lot from reading Life Ajar and Defending the Raven about the importance of trying to communicate more openly with my wife about my sexual needs rather than compartmentalizing them.

How many of you think you can come out and stay married? How many of your wives can bear remaining in relationship with you once you come out?

I came out before I was married. Within the past two years I came out to close family and friends. My wife continues to be willing to stay married.

How many of you have given up or would give up your marriages to be free as gay men?

I tried to give it up a couple of years ago. Now I am trying not to.

How many of you think you can have your cake and eat it too? [That seems to me to be an attractive but essentially impossible proposition, but what do I know?]

I thought I could. I still wish I could, but so far I have not found a way to do it and achieve my other ideals.

I know that some of us married knowing we "had been" gay; others of us have discovered that they were gay without acting on it. I think that it is fair to say that what we ALL have in common is that the resolution of the issue is going to involve a great deal of suffering on someone's part; who suffers, and who decides who suffers? I am only now beginning to take on board the magnitude of what I am talking about.

There does not seem to be a perfect resolution to this issue. Complicated issues require decisions and compromise. The fact of our queerness and marriedness makes this issue seem uniquely complicated, but one of the many things I'm learning from reading The Truth About Tom is that we have much more in common with straight men than we often care to admit. Perhaps if we back up and view our dilemma as a variation on an “evolving relationship / stage of life” issue that would help.

I am also beginning to get the awful feeling that I am the only person out here on this electronic plain who is not at all sure gaining his freedom is worth losing his family; things are a little complicated in my case because I don't even know whether I could be happy living as a gay man, free or otherwise, which makes the thought of jeopardizing what I have seem a lot less appealing, if not pointless. But I would welcome all your comments, from wherever you are on the spectrum. If you have already posted your thoughts on the subject, send me a link. No judgments, no preconceptions -- I really just want to know where you are.

You are most certainly not alone in questioning the family / freedom trade-off. Perhaps your "electronic plain" perception may have something to do with the limitations of human beings trying to express very fluid, complicated and contradictory feelings in written form.


Apology

I owe A Troll at Sea and you an apology. On Monday Troll posted a long comment (click here) about a couple of my recent posts. Although I denied it to myself at the time, in retrospect I clearly took offense at some of what I thought he said.

I didn't like it. It made me feel bad. Boohoo.

I didn’t want to believe that I took offense because I honestly didn’t think I should take offense at anything anyone writes about me or my blog. Why? If I take offense they might not want to read my blog and / or comment anymore. They might not like me!

So I took my feelings underground. I created a passive/aggressive smokescreen. In a comment on his post I implied that Troll falsely accused me of accusing him of playing with fire. But (after a less-than-exhaustive search) all I could find was one quote where I indicated that I was the one playing with fire. For what it's worth, I did believe this at the time and was only vaguely aware of my discomfort with Troll's post. Ah, the glory of martyrdom. Self-pity dolled up to look noble. Childish.

The next day in an AA meeting someone said, "When I don't like what someone is saying I had better listen very carefully because it means I've got a problem." Bingo. Ouch!

Today I paged back through Troll’s blog looking for his questions Woe recently answered so I could cut, paste and answer them. I scrolled past some words that looked very familiar. Whoa! They were from an email I sent him a while back. “Now, as to what I have recommended. My advice is based solely on my experience -- with most valuable lessons learned the hard way. You seem like a pretty manic, spontaneous guy. Nothing wrong with those characteristics except when you are playing with fire. You are currently playing with fire. Slow down. That's my advice.”

Oooo, I hate it when that happens! Growing up sucks!

I falsely accused Troll. I was not rigorously honest in my communications with him. Troll, and you readers who expect me to be honest, please accept my apology. In the future I will try to more carefully examine my motives before posting and commenting.

Take care,

Flip