Pollyanna's Theory Du Jour
Warning: This post contains several partially-formed ideas. It is waiting to be shot full of holes. Regardless, I feel the need to post it before revising further.
This warning is only meant to convey my impression of this post. It is not meant to deter comments.
Drew’s blog is one of the beacons of (relative) sanity in this little corner of the world. His latest post, "Barcelona," and the comments it generated have given me hope.
In one comment, Willa, the ex-wife of a gay man, asks, “Why would a man trade everything he has built to be gay?” Although not directly answering this question, Drew ended his post saying, “I want to be able to love myself.” And Woe commented, “To live a life of pretence seems to preclude the possibility of loving yourself completely.”
Good question. Good thoughts.
So perhaps the best question for those of us more or less still on the fence is, “Can I love myself enough to live a life without pretense while not giving up my family, my marriage, my everything?”
On bad days, I answer “No!” and deal with the world from my very gloomy place (see recent posts).
On good days, I answer, “Yes, I believe so.”
OK Pollyanna, if the answer is yes, tell us how.
Well I don’t know how. But my very unformed theory du jour is first learn to really love yourself just the way you are, then worry about the rest.
The world loathed what I am, therefore I loathed myself. So when I decided to get honest and live an authentic life I naturally thought that if I forced the world to love me just the way I am, then my feelings would follow.
The way I thought I could force the world to accept / love me was to come out to the world and give up my sham of a life. Anything short of that was still a sham. As many of you know, I tried it. I tried it very inelegantly. It didn't work. And honestly I didn't feel very authentic the way I was going about it.
My recent posts and the life they represent tell me that I do not yet really love myself just the way I am. So for now I'm going to try to achieve that (or something closer to that) before I start to decide what parts of my life are authentic and what parts are a sham.
Pollyanna-ish? Absolutely. Rationalization for refusing to face the awful truth? Perhaps. But I’m going to hang on to it for today.
Cheers.
Flip
13 comments:
How about just standing up to racist and homophobic comments when you hear them.Practicing tolerence and empathy.
Flippo:
I have some REALLY bad news. Only God loves you the way you are. The rest of us, including you, are holding back in hopes that things will improve.
So I think that waiting to act until you have that all sorted out is like taking an oath to sit on top of a column for the rest of your life... Having said that, of course, it sounds like we are in very similar stages of whatever this journey is.
The thought of not being home on Christmas morning is the one that stopped me today. Cold. What could be worth missing that? or just having the kids around all the time when they're home?
It's not easy to decide between yourself and the people you love. Impossible, really. So, where does that leave us?
Hung. Or do I read you wrong?
yr
Troll
I don't know about "Only God loves you..." comment Troll makes. Probably because I'm not sure how to validate that ONLY God actually loves me, he could also ONLY hate me as well then too. I don't mean to contradict him, he's one sharp fella...
Ironically,I was going to post something similiar TO Troll in his blog today, a question of self-love (which you bring up here surprisingly, but didn't mention to him because, well, it's not well formed either.)
I do think there's a stage of loving yourself... whatever that really means, not sure. Though, I think you know you're there when you are happy to be alone, you can go to movies alone, restarants alone, vacation alone, anything. It's a feeling of feeling truly content with yourself and who you are and not caring about being afraid of being alone, or not feeling loved by someone else in the world, or caring what the others might think. The fear and uncertainty surrounding love is lessened.
At least, once one becomes that way, it appears that you are more attractive because you seem more self-assured or confident maybe? So it doesn't hurt!
These comments are profound. We do need to think things through to their outcome before we make a radical action.
Last night my wife woke up and caught me chatting on the computer. I was on gay.com and of course I closed everything down quickly. Chatting is one thing, a hook up another. I'm sure that she suspects something (see my blog and PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT). We have not had sex since March.
I know that I'd be taken to the cleaners if we got divorced. I also know the pain of divorce from my own parents. I told her before we got married that I had a same-sex experience. Now, I have had three years of occasional hookups that would justify a divorce.
God knows that I am not proud of my actions. For me as a Christian, I have committed adultery. Should I be brutally honest with my wife and admit this or continue with the lies and cover up? This my friends is the Million Dollar question....
Thanks for your posting Flip. A hearty AMEN to what Troll posted.
I read your posts, (and others like Nate) and it makes me ever so grateful that my life isn't as complicated.
The entanglements of your lives are so foreign to me.
I realize how fortunate I am when I read these. I was able to build my life from the foundation up around who I am instead of what others perceived me to be.
There really are no good answers, Flip. Any choice you make will result in some degree of pain for you and others.
At least you're working at improving yourself before making any rash decisions(as before)and that can only be beneficial to you and your family.
I can describe the suffering I felt as a child from an absent dad, but I could never imagine the kind of inner turmoil and suffering that you have as that husband and father. In some ways I'm sure it's worse. Denial of ones self and ones needs is a very taxing way to live a life.
I really feel for you, Flip.
Hang in there, friend.
Brian: I actually don't tolerate racist and homophobic comments and am very lucky to rarely keep company with people who make them. I do believe that practicing tolerance and empathy is important to both improve the state of the world and improve one's own outlook.
Troll, my friend: Thanks for your thought-provoking comments. Although I suppose technically no human can achieve perfect love of another, I do believe it is possible for people to largely love and accept others and themselves just the way they are. From my viewpoint, you can love and accept someone just the way they are even if they are not perfect.
What I am suggesting for myself is slowing down. Treating myself as my sponsor would treat me. Holding my feet to the fire (as RV puts it) but also recognizing that it's about progress not perfection. And importantly, surrendering to my higher power the outcome of the situation I am in. Focusing on doing the next right thing in my life rather than obsessing each and every day over where I'm headed. My theory is that one reason I obsess over this is because I am not yet comfortable with - accepting of - myself.
In retrospect I think this post just restated in different terms goals I have articulated in previous posts.
Bear: You make some good points. I'm not sure what I mean by self-love either. I think it's something like I described above in my reply to Troll. Acceptance with reasonable expectations for improvement. A gray area rather than black or white.
Restored: My vote is that you should definitely NOT be brutally honest with your wife unless you want to be brutal. I have read your post and am formulating a comment although I am loath to give advice to those in your position since most of my own experience demonstrates what NOT to do. Regardless, you cannot undo the adultery, as you know. You can only make amends when you are ready - and the best way to do that would be to stop. Believe me when I say I wish there were a different answer.
Brad: Thanks for your insights and your empathy.
Your comments help me realize what a small (albeit very important) slice of me and my life is represented in my blog. Indeed your comments also help me understand another part of what I was trying to express in the post. This "thing" gets so big for those of us living with it that its importance, and the lengths to which we will go to fix it when we find out there may be a way, become exaggerated. Perhaps if I can put "it" back in perspective before taking action I can make more rational decisions.
In spite of writings that imply my life is a complete tragedy, I am really one of the luckiest people I know. My life is filled with loving family and friends and great opportunity. I just believe that if I could make my sexuality more of a non-issue and get my feelings under control I could lead a richer life and contribute more to the world around me.
Brad, your post also brings up another part of my nebulous theory. I often wonder how much of what I have gone through is a life-stage event vs. a sexual identity event. I know they are blended together. But my attempts to shed my wife and family in the name of authenticity seemed an awful lot like a straight man tossing away wife #1 for a pretty young thing. It just seems a lot more noble when it is in the pursuit of honesty vs. whatever drives us men to do stuff like that in middle age.
I could be wrong - it's been a long time, but I think I felt a lot more secure about my life when I was your age than I do now. But I think I was also a lot less thoughtful and aware at that age than you are.
Thanks to everyone for commenting and helping me clarify my thoughts.
Cheers,
Flip
Flip you're back!
I don't think I can really help you with your struggle, approaching 40 and gay thru it all. I came to terms with myself in 1985. And to this day fundamentally believe that what I do in my bedroom is my business. If I suck cock, it has nothing to do with the kind of person I am. Being gay doesn’t define me. It’s apart of me, sure, but not consuming.
I can sit half-naked with straight men while one of them shaves my head after falling in a mud pit. Why not? I’m comfortable with who I am.
To me, being openly gay means that I have something in common with a lot of people that have come to terms with their sexuality: we’ve stepped out the current of popular acceptance, acknowledged who we are and moved on. Everyone has a story to tell. Some battle scars are worse than others. Some stories more tragic, some more triumphant.
I was lucky, because from the start, I knew who I had to be, who I was becoming. I stopped entangling others in my struggle to discover myself. I came onboard with a carry-on. You’ve got checked baggage, but like you said, that baggage makes you one of the luckiest people you know. I think you’re lucky.
I hate to end this like this, but in the words of Madonna, “Until I learned to love myself, I was never really loving anybody else.”
You can have one of Brazilian beaded friendship bracelets any day. Did I mention, I’m a master with coloured string?
I am so happy I did not read this yesterday because it may have impacted my writing and thinking for my last post. It is amazing to me how similar a spot we have ended up in.
"I often wonder how much of what I have gone through is a life-stage event vs. a sexual identity event."
It has taken me eight months to realize the truth of that last sentance and while our struggles are far, far from over, I believe that sentance you wrote is at the heart of much of this.
My friend I came out to on Tuesday took me to task when he said issues of socialbility are separate from issues of sexuality. But they sure feel hard to separate.
Hang in there Flip - you are a good person, a fact that will "out" in the end.
Nate
Flip,
Connecting with ones sexual identity and discovering inherent truths about oneself (at any time of life)is on an entirely different plane than buying the red sports car during a mid-life crisis.
Just so you are clear. (And not feeling that you are indulging yourself.)
B.
I'll toss this in: th WORLD never really hated who you are. I was gay in the very early 80's, hell, I was gay BEFORE the 80's and I never ever felt hated. Put down, yeah, but what fat girl or guy didn;t feel that way and what OTHER strange kid felt that way. You just got to own up to wo you are and stop making excuses for your self. It's tired and dated and unfair to your partner,
Flip - I think everyone here has kinda said it all - but just one more thing Bro... it is more than just loving yourself and accepting yourself - it is accepting that some people will NOT accept you - and you will loose friends - and people will stop talking to you - and people will dislike you and treat you differently just because of who you choose to sleep with.
To me, this is the hardest part of the acceptance... the acceptance of yourself is the easy part...
It is true that you can not love anyone until you love yourself... but to love yourself is to accept others will not love you - and that that is their loss...
RJ: Thanks for the dash of cold water in my face. Tired, dated and unfair to my partner pretty much sums me up recently (and for a lot of the past).
I agree that a lot of the blather I spew on this blog has more to do with making elaborate excuses for not doing what I should do than with reality, and trying to get some other people to tell me that's all right. But I also think a tiny bit of it is helping me own up to who I really am - as I see myself, not as I or anyone else would like me to be.
Spider: Thanks for reminding me that the relationship between my feeling about myself and how other people feel about me is quite complex. I'm no longer even sure of my point in what I posted, but it was definitely an oversimplification.
Brad: I agree that this can't all be attributed to the "red sports car" syndrome, but at all times I really need to examine my motives because they are often suspect.
Nate: Ditto what I wrote above to Brad. I'd love to hear more of your insights.
Jetboy: Thanks for the bracelet. And thanks for reminding me that things would probably be better for all involved if I stopped entangling others in my quest to find myself. That speaks to me. Thanks.
Kevin: Thanks for the insight. I think you're right - and sometimes I get confused because I try to compare the details of my life to how things appear to be going in other people's lives - something in AA which is called "Comparing my insides to others' outsides." Obviously this is not a fair comparison. I need to remember to take strength and to learn from others' experiences, but to always translate them into what's most meaningful in my life.
Thanks for the hugs and good wishes, too!
F
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