Difficult And Often Not Fun At All

Part One

Pages 84 and 85 in The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, provide suggestions for following Step Ten ("Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.") Two passages from these pages which helped me yesterday are:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (p. 85)

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." (P.84)

On my way to work yesterday I was pondering hooking up with someone at lunch. I knew doing this would be wrong because in my current circumstances it is a selfish and dishonest action. This time I decided to try something new. I said a quick prayer asking for help with this.

As soon as I got to work I was unexpectedly and immediately embroiled in a situation involving a co-worker and friend from a company associated with mine who for reasons most probably related to substance abuse is about to lose his job. Yesterday he was at the point of a complete emotional breakdown. I had the opportunity to assist in convincing him he needed to take some immediate steps to arrest his downward spiral. This "intervention" lasted through mid-afternoon. I had neither time for nor thoughts of hooking up.

I hope this helped my friend. Time will tell. For me, it was the answer to a prayer.


Part Two

After the aforementioned "intervention" I exchanged emails with an online friend in which we were sharing some recent experiences as married queers (just checking to see if you are there, Brad). I think the combination of sharing some of the darker aspects of my experience as an alcoholic earler in the day plus pondering the married / bi situation sent my mood into a sudden and unexpected downward spiral towards despair. I wallowed in that for a few minutes, but then remembered it was almost time to start on the long drive to my weekly service work at the prison. Before leaving I needed to prepare for the session.

The topic of last night's session was "Repentance." One of the books we use in the program is Restoring Peace, Using Lessons From Prison to Mend Broken Relationships, by Kirk Blackard.

A few of the passages from the chapter on repentance that really spoke to me were:

"Repentance involves much more than a change of mind or behavior, or feeling sorry for one's actions. It is more than a jailhouse conversion or temporary change until the tumult dies down. True repentance is a transformation in which a person's fundamental character and being, not just his surface behavior, become permanently different. Repentance is the process by which humans leave their sins and bad behavior behind and radically and deliberately change their hearts and attitudes as well as their actions." (P. 105)

Repentance is difficult and often not fun at all. C. S. Lewis described the process as follows in Mere Chritianity:

In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs mprovements: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor -- that is the only way our of our 'hole.' This process of surrender -- this movement full speed astern -- is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death.

(p 106)

"The journey of change, like climbing a mountain, is usually a difficult struggle, with temptations to quit or turn back. When you complete the journey, however, you are in an entirely new world that is very different from where you started. The old world is still there, but it is less significant, you see it differently. When you enter your new world, you have repented." (P. 107)

"Repentance is not a one-time event, but is an ongoing, daily, hourly attitude and change of life." (P. 107)

"Focusing less on "me" and more on others will probably help you in transforming yourself and your relationships with others." (P. 109)

"The next step is change. If your focus...has been on yourself, you now realize you need to develop an "other" focus in your life and plan to transform yourself by emphasizing others. Listening, empathizing with others, embracing better choices, seeking God's help, and viewing repentance as a journey will help you with this process." (P.109)


After doing the reading necessary to prepare for last night's session my mood had changed. The feeling of despair was gone.

My thoughts and actions indicate to me that I still need to change, to lay down my arms, to surrender, to "move full speed astern." Real and lasting change is difficult. It is often not fun at all.

But I have complete faith that it's worth it.

Have a great weekend.

Flip