...And Chewing...
- I'm not necessarily offended by Troll's comment. I'm actually not sure how I feel about it and honestly am not sure I even know what it means. I just decided to represent some of my thoughts as I remember having them...unedited...rather than painstakingly analyzing what I thought he meant and what I thought about what I thought he meant.
- Spider, I absolutely agree with your point regarding continuous, abusive self-examination.
- Please understand I'm not offended by your comment, Spider, but I'm not really asking anyone to read this blog. The only person I expect to listen to the same story over and over and over and over ad nauseum is Dr. M, my shrink. And I pay him $4.44 per minute to act like he likes it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that people read it. But, for instance, I now consider you an online friend even if you never read my blog again. My point is that I often blog so that I don't have to ask my friends to listen to the same repackaged garbage over and over and over again. I could simply keep a journal...but my ego and the fact that some folks continue to read and respond, tempered by my knowledge that no one is forced to read the blog, keep me from just journaling offline.
- I do not feel attacked by Troll. I am not trying to flame Troll or start an online drama with him. I appreciate his comment.
- My reaction to Troll's comment indicates to me there is a lesson in there for me.
Thanks.
F
6 comments:
Hmm. I found it interesting to read your thoughts as they came to you, somewhat unfiltered and in the raw, if you will.
It didn't read as if you were offended by Troll's comment, at least to me.
Nor did it to me...and I SO DEBATED whether to post my comment or not... but you know I love you Flip... and we are just so much alike...
Take care my friend...
Dear Mr. Flip,
Let me say a few things, right off the bat:
1. Oops.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I wish I could say I won't do it again.
Now, here is why I say it's MY problem: I have been thinking a lot about who I was when I started blogging and who I am now. While essentially similar, and almost identical to other eyes, naked or otherwise, I have made some decisions that have moved me from one world to another. Mighty Whiplash to the Mighty Faggot, Inner Conflict for the Inner Girl, etc.
I now reflect on some of the comments I found so offensive when I first started blogging and find that they make sense as things to say -- though they seemed presumptuous and hostile at the time, and might still if directed at ME. You know who I mean: the "get over it, honey, come out" school. I believe I have even blogged about the night that thought first crossed my own mind in regard to someone else. Not a Pretty Moment, I can tell you.
The last time I had trouble reading a blog I had been enjoying for almost a year, it turned out that the prose DID reflect something internal. This time I definitely felt that nothing "onboard" had changed, but that I no longer connected the way I used to, hence the comment that it was MY problem: it was Another Not Too Pretty Moment.
Most of the trouble I get into is in comparing other people's experience to mine without really knowing what their experience is [even nine months of reading random thoughts is not really such a great guide, and you know how well I have understood some things [ie, NOT] from the beginning].
I absolutely meant the comment about chasing my tail and then having to cut if off as a description of my own behavior over the last nine months. I did not intend to imply that everyone else's blogs had a similar circling pattern, but, GOSH, there it is in black and white -- or, as on my own blog, in living color on black. Oops.
This would be the place to try to apologize from the heart, which I could do: I have spent my life having to do it. Over and over again.
But I enjoyed your cell phone post so much I decided thatI wasn't 100% sorry any more. I laughed out loud, and you know how I feel about that [or you would if you read me as often as I have read you, so there.] I LOVE laughing out loud.
Well, this is now long enough for a post, so I will go post it. So there.
I am in fact still chewing on the thoughts that gave rise to my comments, and many other things. That is where "chasing my tail" comes in. So it appears I grew a new one... or never really cut the other one off.
Go figure. Go be funny. Please, go be funny. You know the negative stuff really is "all about me". Why should it be about you?
yr friend still, I hope,
the Troll
I considered whether this should be a comment or private e-mail, but f' it.
I love Troll - have had e-mails with him, we read each other. But lets be real, Troll (love you guy) redefines obtuse. It is part of his charm.
It is so easy to lose sight of the fact that first and foremost we are journal writers - online and public - but journal writers.
But the Blog does (I mistyped dies at first and it feels Freudian) take on a life of its own. When I see the daily hits, I feel guilty about not posting - it is absurd: I should feel guilty about not posting - you should feel hurt by Troll's comments; we are both absurd but it is normal emotions.
I have questions for you (and yes, I know the answers):
1. Are you sober?
2. Are you still trying to make your family work?
3. Are you trying to be honest with yourself (as much as any of us on this journey can)?
The answers are yes, so I will ask one last question (and again I believe I know the answer):
Does the blogging / writing / connections you have made here help you achieve the goals in the three questions above?
If the answer to that is yes - and based on my life I have to think that is the case - then blog when you want, write what you want. If hitting the keyboard keeps you from hitting the tumbler just once, every post was worth it.
Love,
Nate
btw- clearly I bring some definite emotions to this one. C'est la vie.
OK, Nate.
I guess I deserved that one.
At least I know what I define -- is that the same as what I stand for?
yr
T@C
Thanks everyone for the comments. Troll, you really don't need to apologize.
This is a very busy out of town weekend but I will try to respond thoughtfully to your comments as soon as possible.
I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Flip
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