In My Head

Hi. I hope everyone had a peaceful, gratitude-worthy Thanksgiving. If you are reading this then no doubt you have something for which to be thankful. I know I do.

**********************************************************************

Two weeks ago my visit with Dr. M was filled with self-hatred. Last week my visit was filled with hope. During that visit I announced two short-term goals for myself.

Goal one is to communicate better with my wife. I am envious of Brad, Brett, Bear, Cymber, Nate, Mr. BB, Ben, Mark and so many others for the communication they have with their significant others – past, present, male, female. My wife and I don’t have that kind of openness (yes, I’m aware of the trap I’m in…comparing my inside to your outside, but bear with me). Dr. M is a master at guiding me to find answers on my own – one way he stays blameless hence steadily employed, perhaps. No doubt there’s a lesson there, but that is fodder for a different post.

Anyway, as Dr. M and I talked it dawned on me that perhaps I am the only one in my relationship with my wife who does not feel we communicate adequately. And perhaps she is communicating that to me on a daily basis…but I’m not paying attention because I don’t necessarily agree. Of course since I don’t communicate with her but instead “think it” and expect her to read my mind, then it’s really hard for me to know.

How insightful. Once again I get a hint that the world does not revolve around me. I guess I just can’t find that out often enough. When I articulated “communicate better with my wife” to Dr. M, what I really meant was “get her to communicate with me the way I want”…and more specifically, “get her more interested in and more understanding of ME.” ME. God I hate that word and the fact that I love it so.

Today, my approach regarding communication with my wife is to work a little harder at living the spirit of the prayer of St. Francis. Specifically,”…seek [rather] to understand than to be understood…”

My wife and I had a dinner date last night. After we finished eating, the topic of our discussion veered into AA territory – under her guidance. This is a very rare event indeed, and something I have wished for in the past (in the guise of wanting to be “understood” by her). How wonderful it seemed…at first. But, the specific thing she wanted to discuss was my sponsor…and her heavily disguised opinion that he sucks. Wow, not exactly the direction I had envisioned for a discussion of AA – wherein I would get to communicate all of my newfound insights AND IMPROVEMENTS blah blah blah to her (discussions that apparently we have already had...IN MY HEAD). This was scary. This was my territory, and it was uncomfortable. And to make it worse, she was right. He does suck.

I tried to explain to her all the reasons why it’s my fault. Although acknowledging my views, she didn’t seem too keen on agreeing. She simply pointed out that he makes time for things that are important to him. For whatever reason, he doesn’t seem to be able to make time to help me progress through the steps. Lord knows I have communicated my frustration to her about this in the past, but since I was talking about (perhaps rather than communicating about) AA, I just assumed she was not listening. I guess she was. (Another reminder of my bad habit of assuming that if I think it, it must be true. A characteristic I share with at least some of my fellow members of AA).

Here we were, on a date, communicating. About me. About the subject nearest and dearest to my heart (except maybe…well, whatever). And I was squirming. Because she was right. I kept looking at that glass of red wine she was drinking, hoping it would allow me to discount what she was saying. It didn’t. She was sober. She was right. My sponsor sucks.

After much circular babble, I told her I had actually been seriously considering changing sponsors, but I just didn’t want to start all over again. No sympathy there. OK, I confessed, I’M AFRAID. Afraid of having the discussion with my sponsor that I know I need to have. (And, although I didn’t tell her, afraid of having to confess all to another person who might not accept me with all my faults.) No sympathy forthcoming…just an observation that perhaps both my sponsor and I would be happier if we got the discussion over with and moved on.

How mature. How logical. How true.

So how did I handle this newfound better communication with my wife? Well, I got depressed and semi-pouted. Yep friends, I’ve still got a long way to go. But I sure as hell am grateful for the progress I’ve made. And I’m grateful for the fact that my wife was brave enough to talk to me about this - because I'm not easy to talk to. I am going to thank her today for taking the risk.

Oh yeah, my second short term goal is to try to make some male friends. Non-sexual male friends. A recurring theme in my therapy (life) is the fact that the only real male friends I have are either electronic (don’t get me wrong, I love you guys) or….well, that’s about it. I have three reasons for wanting to achieve this goal. One, I think it will strengthen my AA program since I still tend to scurry out of the meetings and shy away from the fellowship. Two, I think it will give me more insight into my need (OK, want) for anonymous sexual encounters with men. **Please note, I don’t think this will cure the want, but I do think it might lead to a better understanding.** And last but certainly not least, I think it will help me find some new friends!

Perhaps my search for a new sponsor will lead to short-term goal number two. I’m going to start today.

Thanks for being there.

I love you.

Flip