Still Not Willing
I met with my sponsor. OK, he does not suck. At least not as a sponsor.
It seems we are back on track with a healthier sponsor/sponsee (I hate that word) relationship. He has given me a couple of assignments that I’ve completed – kicking and screaming – like any good rebellious alcoholic would. We are meeting tomorrow night.
He has challenged me on my honesty; specifically my continued sexual encounters with men without my wife’s knowledge. As much as I would like to ignore what he is saying to me by insisting that as my sponsor he should focus only on my sobriety (with some support for this view from Dr. M) I know my sponsor is right. The program of AA requires rigorous honesty. I am not there yet. But more importantly I am not trying hard enough to get there in this aspect of my life.
I can imagine a life of rigorous honesty in this area. I have an (at least partial) understanding of the benefits that would flow from such a life. But I am (apparently) not ready to give up my dishonest behavior. I think I’m getting there…or I’m deluding myself…not sure which.
My sponsor and I were able to agree that when I am doing more service work I am doing less adulterous behavior. I believe the assignments he gave me are a prelude to more service work which I hope and believe will help relieve my obsession with adulterous behavior. Unfortunately I also hate the thought of that obsession (and resultant actions) being gone from my life forever.
Just like I hated the thought of alcohol being gone from my life forever. Alcohol was a key part of who I was. It made me lively, likeable, free. Me.
I'm reminded of a quote I've mentioned before from a local PBS show (the specifics of which escape me). A priest was being asked about taking the vow of celibacy. His response was something like “whenever you say ‘yes’ to something, you say ‘no’ to something else” (or maybe it was vice-versa). I know what I want to say “no” to, and I have a good feeling about what I will be saying “yes” to when I do that.
Take care.
Flip
7 comments:
Flip - glad you and SB (sponsor-boy) are back on track - I know how important that is to you.
Just have a thought about one of your statements... "But I am (apparently) not ready to give up my dishonest behavior."
Flip, you behavior is not totally dishonest - you are being truly honest to yourself and your sexual feelings/identity/orientation - the only dishonesty comes in not telling your wife...
That is why, IMHO, these issues are such a bitch to work through - because your sexual encounters are not dishonest behaviors, they are true and honest expressions of where you are in your life and where you want to be in your life - the dishonest behavior is not the sex, but the "sin of omission" by not telling your wife... two different things.
Just more thoughts from someone who should keep his mouth shut...
Spider,
I hope you don't ever keep your mouth shut when it comes to my blog or me!
Your observation is absolutely correct. To clarify, the dishonesty I was referring to is the fact of doing these things without my wife's knowledge. And that is the dishonesty my sponsor is focused on too.
As I see it I have two choices...either inform my wife and let her act on the information as she wishes or discontinue the behavior. My wish is to discontinue the behavior - of my own accord and because I want to, not because I think I am bad for having homosexual feelings. In this way I am not asking for resentments that might lead me back to drinking.
Thanks for pointing this out, Spider, and thanks...ALWAYS...for being there.
Flip
Your post and the comments that follow have made me think.
Right now I am in a place of saying "yes" to immoral behaviors which means I must say "no" to continueing to live a moral life.
Not sure which path I will take.
Thanks for your post. Good Luck to you.
I find this statement you made troubling (even though it seems true to you):"Alcohol was a key part of who I was. It made me lively, likeable, free. Me."
I'd think you were ALL those positive things withOUT the alcohol too!!
I also don't think it's as easy to live without sex as alcohol. Sex defines more innately who we are, how we act. I guess you could get addicted to each but I don't see your attraction to men as the same as a drug addiction.
You carry a big burden...I'm not clear outing yourself to your wife at the moment will help while simultaneously battling alcohol. Both are tough alone!
Is your sponsor gay? Does he even have a wife?
I, too, support honesty. But what are you supposed to say when asked, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Hi. I just found your blog. Some sexy southern boy from TN pointed me here. He said I would find much in common with you and I have. In particular a gay but married guy. I'll be back to follow your journey. Best wishes.
I just wanted you to know how much I respect you Flip... that has been on my mind for a while and, for what it is worth, I just wanted you to know that... you are a good man Mr. Flip!
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