Day One...Again
Back to square one. After almost five months.
No, I haven't started drinking again. Yes, I did "act out" (sounds like an unruly child...and come to think of it that is an apt description). Act out as in once again having sex with "the cowboy."
I guess I wasn't through yet. I thought I was. It felt like I was. There was a long stretch in there when I didn't even want to do it. And when I did think about it, it was usually in the context of "How in the hell could I ever have risked my marriage just to do that?"
"So why now?" you might ask.
On page 70, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."
Over the past couple of months my work life has become incredibly stressful - largely because of things outside of my control. Slowly but inexorably as I turned inward my serenity drifted away. Why did I do this? I'm not sure, but my best guess is because I wanted to feel different. And I did feel different for a little while. And it felt good to feel different. But it hasn't made anything go away.
Today, I am not dwelling on heartache although it may come anyway. What I'm going to try to do is return to a few simple suggestions my sponsor made when we last talked seriously about the imperious urge. Suggestions for how to throw myself into helping others, how to get outside of myself. It worked before. It can work again.
Maybe I'm through now.
Peace.
F
4 comments:
Don't be to hard on yourself my friend.
We are after all only human.
Flipper:
Not that you need advice from ME, but here's a word: You are telling yourself something, and you aren't listening.
Think about it.
T
Woe: Thanks. I'm not. I'm concentrating on moving forward.
Troll: Trust me, whatever "it" is, I think about it all the time.
What is it you think I'm telling myself that I'm not listening to? If it's what I think it is, then what makes you think the me that does the telling is right and the one that isn't listening is wrong? Or am I misunderstanding what you're implying?
Thanks both of you for your comments! It's nice to know I haven't put everyone off with all my moving and absences.
F
Hey Flip,
Hell with drinking and semi-anonymous sex: Trying to interpret Troll is where you are engaging in high risk behavior.
I do understand your comment along the way that when life is going well, there is less need to blog.
I would be happy to give you advice but as one who is bordering on depression, I am not sure anyone should take any guidance from me.
Woe is right - we all live life as best we can and there is no point in beating yourself up over it.
Nate
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