The Country Lane

I often hear people with a few years' sobriety in AA mention that the road gets narrower the longer you stay sober.

Here's how narrow my road has become.

At the end of the day on Friday, after one of the most hellish days, and weeks, of my work life, I paused before fleeing the office to take a few moments to catch up on a few blogs. While doing this, I clicked on a "favorite" that I have not read for a while, but that well I remember occasionally contains an X-rated image of the blogger himself. Indeed, there were a couple of images, and this time even a very short, crude video of the blogger "pleasuring" himself to completion. I then navigated to a blog referenced in that posting, viewed one more picture of someone's "member" and closed down my browser.

Among the "bottom-line" behaviors (meaning engaging in them violates my sexual sobriety, or abstinence...like taking a drink in AA) I established for myself in my Sex Addicts Anonymous program is not viewing pornography.

Immediately after closing down the browser I called my SAA sponsor and left him a voicemail notifying him that I needed to reset my SAA "sobriety" date and giving him the details of what I had done.

I must admit that before calling him the thought crossed my mind, "Why not duck into the men's room and 'pleasure' myself (another bottom-line behavior) since I was having to reset my sobriety, or abstinence, date anyway?" But I realized that this would be identical to going on a binge after taking a couple of sips of an alcoholic beverage - an action that would lead to nothing positive.

There is a part of me that finds it humiliating to be in a position of calling someone to confess actions as personal and seemingly-harmless as my few minutes of browsing on Friday. And that's a good thing. I'm far from being humble enough.

And I want to get more humble, because there's another part of me that knows the serenity of neither engaging in nor having the slightest desire to engage in morally bankrupt and repeatedly unfulfilling behaviors which leave me with feelings of self-loathing.

The broad highway I navigated in AA has led me to the country lane of my current program of AA and SAA. This is not because the programs are fundamentally different. It is because in my case, working my AA program (which suggests I practice the principles of AA in all my affairs) allowed me to finally admit my powerlessness in controlling my sexual behavior, and once I took the step of asking for help I was graced with a very strict SAA sponsor.

More about that another day.

All the best to each of you.

F

Cease-Fire

On page 84 of Alcoholics Anonymous (often referred to as "The Big Book") it says, "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol."

One of my daily meditation reads is Daily Reflections, A Book of Reflections by AA Members for AA Members. Today's entry reads, in part:

I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind. At one time life was a constant battle because I felt I had to go through each day fighting myself, and everyone else. Eventually this became a losing battle. I ended up getting drunk and crying over my misery. When I began to let go and let God take over my life I began to have peace of mind. Today, I am free. I do not have to fight anybody or anything anymore.

I should add that after giving up drinking I periodically (at times frequently) acted out sexually as another way of trying to fight the reality of my life...to fulfill needs that I did not see any other way of fulfilling.

For today I don't have to do that. Today I am enjoying the daily reprieve that can be mine every day I choose to practice the 12 Step principles in all affairs of my life.

I've recently had a blog "comment dialog" with Troll regarding, in part, the living of an authentic life. I'm pretty sure I don't know exactly how to define an authentic life, but the definition I'm choosing right now is a serene life. Or to be more specific, I am choosing for now to gauge the authenticity of the life I'm living by my level of serenity.

A lot of my serenity today depends on not fighting anyone or anything. I used to fight all the time. Fight my sexual preferences, the life I had chosen for myself, the blessings that were bestowed upon me, the love of others, the hatred of society. On and on, fight fight fight. For today, that's over. And when I feel that old fighting urge, I turn to page 84 in The Big Book and follow the prescription for a return to serenity. 1) I ask God to remove whatever is making me want to fight, which is always my selfishness, fear, dishonesty or resentment, 2) I discuss the situation with someone (like a sponsor or another alcoholic/addict), 3) I make amends if I have harmed anyone, and then 4) I turn my thoughts to someone else I can help (and take action on helping them).

So far, I don't take these steps often or quickly enough, but I'm getting a lot better at it and it is paying off in serenity. And my life feels pretty authentic today. I accept it, embrace it, the way it is playing out.

I'm sharing what's working for me. For today. I'm not "cured." I'm not "saved." And I'm surely not saying this will work for you. But if you're still fighting anyone or anything, don't give up. I know there is an answer for you too.

I hope all of you are having an authentically serene Sunday today - or whatever day today is when and where you are reading this.

I love you guys ("guys" in a non-gender-specific way).

F

Surrender

One of my favorite daily meditation books is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
The entry for June 17 summarizes quite nicely where I am in my journey.

June 17


Surrender

Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go though it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.

Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I’m learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.

In my last post I posed the question, "Am I a sex addict?". I surrender. The answer is yes. I have used sex in an addictive fashion. I am now trying to remedy that by being a member of yet another 12 Step program. And it's going quite nicely, thank you.

The really great thing is that in addition to halting, for today, my harmful sexual activity, it has also greatly improved both my AA program and my life in general.

A couple of days ago, Java commented on my last post. She asked, "Why do you not write more often?" Java, I really don't know. I have had plenty of inspiration over the past six months but have just failed to put fingers to keyboard. For the first year or so of blogging I posted a couple of times a week. I don't know what happened after that. I could speculate, but that's all it would be. I'm posting today, and I hope I post more in the future.

Java went on to say, " I haven't read much, just these few posts that are on the first page. I'm curious about you, your life, your choices, your convictions (not in a legal sense), the whichness of your why."

Let me try to satisfy that curiousity.

Me: I'm a 45-54 year old male, married for almost 30 years, alcoholic, sex addicted (but still getting used to surrendering to the fact), not entirely straight, married to a woman, father of two.

My life: Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life...my spirituality, my sexuality, my life.

My choices: Some good: (getting married, staying married, getting sober, asking for help in staying sexually "sober", and lots of others). Some bad: (drinking excessively even when it quit working, "keeping" a boyfriend on the side for a couple of years, telling my wife I needed to move out to figure out my "gay" thing, having sex behind my wife's back, and lots of others).

My convictions: I'm having trouble summarizing this, but among my convictions are believing that each of us has part of God inside us and that we are all yearning to connect the part inside us with God, and believing that spirituality is personal and different for each of us, and that it's really harmful to try to instruct others on their spirituality unless they have asked.

The whichness of my why: The whichness of my why used to always be "me." I am now trying to turn it into "you."

Later.

Flip