The Country Lane

I often hear people with a few years' sobriety in AA mention that the road gets narrower the longer you stay sober.

Here's how narrow my road has become.

At the end of the day on Friday, after one of the most hellish days, and weeks, of my work life, I paused before fleeing the office to take a few moments to catch up on a few blogs. While doing this, I clicked on a "favorite" that I have not read for a while, but that well I remember occasionally contains an X-rated image of the blogger himself. Indeed, there were a couple of images, and this time even a very short, crude video of the blogger "pleasuring" himself to completion. I then navigated to a blog referenced in that posting, viewed one more picture of someone's "member" and closed down my browser.

Among the "bottom-line" behaviors (meaning engaging in them violates my sexual sobriety, or abstinence...like taking a drink in AA) I established for myself in my Sex Addicts Anonymous program is not viewing pornography.

Immediately after closing down the browser I called my SAA sponsor and left him a voicemail notifying him that I needed to reset my SAA "sobriety" date and giving him the details of what I had done.

I must admit that before calling him the thought crossed my mind, "Why not duck into the men's room and 'pleasure' myself (another bottom-line behavior) since I was having to reset my sobriety, or abstinence, date anyway?" But I realized that this would be identical to going on a binge after taking a couple of sips of an alcoholic beverage - an action that would lead to nothing positive.

There is a part of me that finds it humiliating to be in a position of calling someone to confess actions as personal and seemingly-harmless as my few minutes of browsing on Friday. And that's a good thing. I'm far from being humble enough.

And I want to get more humble, because there's another part of me that knows the serenity of neither engaging in nor having the slightest desire to engage in morally bankrupt and repeatedly unfulfilling behaviors which leave me with feelings of self-loathing.

The broad highway I navigated in AA has led me to the country lane of my current program of AA and SAA. This is not because the programs are fundamentally different. It is because in my case, working my AA program (which suggests I practice the principles of AA in all my affairs) allowed me to finally admit my powerlessness in controlling my sexual behavior, and once I took the step of asking for help I was graced with a very strict SAA sponsor.

More about that another day.

All the best to each of you.

F