"...confidence in dad is rising high."

Stolen from woe who stole it from Spider:

Here are the rules:
1. Grab the nearest book
2. Open the book to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences (#5,6,7) on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest. No cheating.

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be
back, they think. Sometimes they demand that dad bring them back
instantly!

I’m at work, so the closest book other than a dictionary is the book Alcoholics Anonymous, known among us drunks as the Big Book, a small copy of which I always carry in my backpack. Of course the chapter from which it comes, entitled “The Family Afterward,” refers to after dad gets sober.

When I first got into AA I found it a bit off-putting that some of the writing in the Big Book sounded so dated. (Gee whiz, now moms can be drunks too!! But it was written in the 1930's). Now I find it kind of charming and just read for the message.

Anyway, I'm not sure family confidence in this dad is rising high, but I hope it's slowly improving. And I really hope that's warranted.

Bye

Today

Yesterday I discovered Closet Man and his “blog wife” (not his real wife) Closet Man’s Wife. I wish them both well, and it is a good reminder for me that I am not alone on this journey. I’m on a journey with my wife and kids as well.

Not surprisingly, I found Mrs. Closet Man’s postings very difficult to read. My initial reaction was to hate her as much as she hates me. She reminds me of what I have done to my wife. I want to deny the real depth of pain and suffering I have caused her. And when I’m not denying it, I want to hate myself for it.

As a very wise man frequently reminds me, “My biggest problem is not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem.” This is true for me. Maybe it’s true for Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man’s real husband and many of the rest of us on similar journeys. Or maybe not.

Today is all I have. Today I feel grateful for my biggest problems. I’m queer. I’m an alcoholic. I’m a husband. I’m a dad. I’m doing the best I can, just like I was when I married a woman even though I knew I was also attracted to men. And just like I was when I drank my feelings away. And just like I was when I secretly planned to leave my wife, and even when I decided it was time to get honest with her and our family before I had gotten honest with myself.

I believe Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man and even Mrs. Closet Man’s real husband are all probably doing the best they can too.

It’s a beautiful day today. I hope you enjoy it.

Flip

Denial

Happy Friday everyone!

First, the latest on my friend: She came to work in good spirits today and claims to be very optimistic about the results of the tests she will undergo on Monday. I suspect this may be an act since last night she wrote her own will and living will, had them notarized first thing this morning and immediately mailed them off somewhere. I continue to pray for her. Thanks to those of you who said you will pray for her too.

Since my denial duh-epiphany at my shrink appointment this week I've been thinking a lot about.......denial. Here are some items grouped into suspected denial categories for analysis purposes:

I. I Suspect I May Be In Complete Denial About:

Everything listed in Category III.


II. I Suspect I May Be In Partial Denial (is there such a thing?) About:

1. My utter guilt and shame for breaking my wedding vows by cheating on my wife with other guys
2. The magnitude of the damage I did to my wife by engaging in this behavior and by threatening to leave her 2004
3. The damage my continued occasional (as if that softens it! See? Denial!!)
   sexually acting out* may yet do to my wife and my relationship, not to mention
   the damage it may be doing to me
4. My shame for being a queer
5. The damage I did to my kids by being an alcoholic father
6. How I really feel about my mother, father, brother and deceased grandmother
7. How I feel about that grandmother's death
8. My fear of…too many things to list

*(Note: sexually acting out = anonymous sex with men. Footnotes and euphemisms appear to be good denial detectors.)


III. I Suspect I May Not Be In Denial About:

Start with everything listed in Category I.


Hey wait, I thought the theme for the week is "surrender." Why should I care about analyzing these? Isn't that the opposite of surrendering?

I honestly don't know. Regardless, I believe being more honest about these feelings may help me become more sane and do more thorough Eighth and Ninth Steps (making a list of, and amends to, those I have harmed).

We shall see.

Cheers.

Flip

Sweet Surrender

Here’s an update on my friend / coworker. Her lab results came back inconclusive. It may be something minor or something “sinister” (actual word the doctor used). Follow up test is scheduled for Monday. I continue to hope and pray for the best and try very hard to not anticipate anything that is not confirmed. Surrender. Apparently the theme of the week. Perhaps the theme for the year.

Surrender? Not yet I guess. I feel so frightened for her. My mind wanders to how unfair this will be if it is something sinister. Surrender. I cannot control the outcome. I must remind myself that surrendering is not the same as denying the feeling. I numbed myself for so long. It is so hard now to feel the feelings. I just have to let them wash over me in waves without getting swept away.

I just realized what is playing on my Ipod as I type. Sarah McLachlan. “Sweet Surrender.” Synchronicity? An amazing phenomenon that reminds me of my higher power.

“Sweet surrender is all that I have to give.”

Cerebral Casserole

What’s on my mind today?

Denial
In this week’s therapy session it finally dawned on me that just because I don’t think I am in denial about anything, it doesn’t mean I’m not in denial. That’s actually what denial is all about and the things I am most sure I don’t feel are the very things I am denying. I know…duh! Unfortunately I think I also have an idea what I am denying. But let’s not talk about that right now.

God / My HP
Alcoholics Anonymous has introduced me to spirituality. It still seems very unnatural (OK, and embarrassing) for me to talk about this, but I now have a concept of a higher power which sometimes I refer to as “god” but more often just, well, my “higher power.” I don’t know much about my HP other than when I pray to it my life goes better. It may be something outside me, inside me, both, neither or nothing at all. I really don’t know. I hope someday to have a better concept of it, but for now am content with the mystery.

A Friend
I have a really good friend / coworker who is unexpectedly undergoing some medical tests today that I fear may be cancer or something equally awful. I am praying for her. I don’t know if this will help her or not, but it is helping me. Two years ago if you had told me I would be praying for someone at some point in my life I would have laughed out loud in your face. Or more likely behind your back.

Surrender
Exactly two weeks ago I was at an emotional low point - feeling both completely pissed off and completely hopeless. Today I am feeling on top of the world or at least as if the summit is in sight. I have faith that all will work out exactly as it should. I'm comfortable with the realization that I can surrender control over the outcome of things as long as I do my best each day to do the right thing for the right reason.

Oh well, I guess the casserole is kind of bland today. Thanks for trying it anyway.

Cheers.

Flip

MOI

I'm 48. I've been attracted to guys since I was about 11 and also have vague memories of being attracted to females too (or do I?). I never acted on my attraction to males in a physical way until four or five years ago.

Married when I was right out of college, I had told my wife about my bisexual feelings several years before we were married. She displayed no problem with it conceptually but never encouraged or expected me to act on the feelings. We have two children - one in high school, one newly graduated from college - both currently living at home.

I come from a long line of alcoholics, drug addicts, suicide attempters and generally "restless, irritable and discontent" people. My parents are not alcoholics and they did a good job raising me and my brother. In high school I was afraid of drinking because of the wrecked lives I had witnessed among my relatives. That changed on high school graduation night when I met my new best friend, Jack Daniels. The drinking progressed...becoming really bad in my thirties.

About four years ago I started playing with other guys on the side. I would stop for a while then start up again. It got really bad when I started seeing this one special guy. I started helping him out financially and secretly made plans to leave my family and move in with him. This insanity was fueled by (but not caused by) my drinking. A turning point came in early 2004 when my wife (drunk) challenged me (drunk) on some of my lies. On the spot I told her the whole "queer" thing was really getting to me and I needed to move out and try living on my own.

Wow. What an interesting chain of events after that. I came out to my kids that night. I came out to my closest friends, family and coworkers shortly thereafter.

Long story short - I quit drinking in March 2004 and continue to be a very grateful member of AA. I never did move out. I told my wife about my "playing" and about the one special guy though she is still unaware of the financial support I provided him. I quit supporting him and he was "gone" within 24 hours. Surprise, surprise.

I'm now trying to clean up the wreckage of my insane behavior which includes doing my part to make our marriage work. She is too. I love her and I want to grow old with her. I know the odds are not good, but my relationship with her is better than it has been in a long time. My relationship with my kids is better than EVER.

I continue to misbehave occasionally without telling her. I'm not proud it. In fact I am fighting it, but obviously not hard enough. The struggle continues, but I now have (glimpses of) faith that things may work out.

My current goal is to make the sexual confusion a non-issue in my life. I would like to find peace and serenity so I can accomplish whatever is left for me to accomplish during my remaining time on earth.

We'll see.

Ok....as suggested by Secret Simon :