Today
Yesterday I discovered Closet Man and his “blog wife” (not his real wife) Closet Man’s Wife. I wish them both well, and it is a good reminder for me that I am not alone on this journey. I’m on a journey with my wife and kids as well.
Not surprisingly, I found Mrs. Closet Man’s postings very difficult to read. My initial reaction was to hate her as much as she hates me. She reminds me of what I have done to my wife. I want to deny the real depth of pain and suffering I have caused her. And when I’m not denying it, I want to hate myself for it.
As a very wise man frequently reminds me, “My biggest problem is not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem.” This is true for me. Maybe it’s true for Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man’s real husband and many of the rest of us on similar journeys. Or maybe not.
Today is all I have. Today I feel grateful for my biggest problems. I’m queer. I’m an alcoholic. I’m a husband. I’m a dad. I’m doing the best I can, just like I was when I married a woman even though I knew I was also attracted to men. And just like I was when I drank my feelings away. And just like I was when I secretly planned to leave my wife, and even when I decided it was time to get honest with her and our family before I had gotten honest with myself.
I believe Closet Man, Mrs. Closet Man and even Mrs. Closet Man’s real husband are all probably doing the best they can too.
It’s a beautiful day today. I hope you enjoy it.
Flip
3 comments:
It's comforting to know that you're not alone in this struggle with being honest with yourself... and as you, me, and a bunch of other guys out there sort out our feelings and find out really who we are, it's only a matter of time before we find our bliss. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey.
Wow, when did I become like Susan Powter?
What a great post. I've received a few emails from guys in our situation who thought I shouldn't blog about the Mrs. (Mrs. CM, that is), that it would be too hard for me to deal with. However, I agree with you -- it's a perspective that we need to hear. Uncomfortable to hear, but needed nevertheless.
We are all trying to do our best each and every day. I hope all is well with you today.
Thanks for the feedback and best of luck to you guys too.
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