Afraid
In 2004, after announcing to my wife and children that I needed to move out and work on the “gay thing” and all hell broke loose, I never did move out.
Why? I was afraid. I’d like to think there was more to it than that. I'd like it to be this big, complicated thing. It wasn't. It was simple. It was fear.
As I planned and executed that drama, I imagined it as a big coming out story. Coming out is brave. It’s a declaration of honesty. There are lots of books about it, movies too. What a noble thing to do.
The betrayal? The lies? The boyfriend? It's not noble, it's sordid.
TIME OUT! Before you delete me from your “favorites” list never to return, I must say I truly believe coming out is noble. It's a declaration of truth. It deserves to be written about. Filmed. I admire and draw inspiration from those who are out or coming out.
Unfortunately, two years ago what I was doing was not coming out. I came out back in the mid 70's when I told my future wife I was attracted to guys. She told me she loved me and accepted me. Simple. Noble.
Two years ago I was a self-centered jerk who found a noble storyline I hoped would draw attention away from the sordid facts. Cowardly. Afraid.
TIME OUT AGAIN! Before any of you jump to defend me against myself (are you there?), I love you, but please don’t. With as little drama as I am capable of (and that's a lot) I’m honestly trying to own up to precisely what I did. No more, no less.
To those of you who are out or coming out, I apologize for implying in previous posts, comments and emails that the path I took has anything to do with what you are going through. I have liberally passed out pseudo-advice in the guise of “my experience.” Yes, see the dirty-needle heroin addict pass out advice on chemotherapy to cancer patients fighting for their lives.
Enough. That's as far as I can go right now.
You guessed it. I’m afraid.
Flip
2 comments:
And if you were NOT afraid, I would be worried about you my friend.
Hypoxic is right, you are here, among friends who empathize with what you are going through. All of us go in the same direction to get to where we want to be - we just have different paths - some nicer and some worse than others. We all have made and continue to make detours and wrong turns. But we all are here for each other - we love the person and understand the rest - after all, is that not what friendship is all about.
I just ask you one favor Flip - please try not to be so hard on the concept of anonymous sex and those of us who engage in and have engaged in it. As you know, loneliness can be a terrible thing. Chad Fox over at "Don't Touch My Food" many month ago made a statement that is the tag line of my e-mail - "Sometimes, all we have is each other, even when we don't know each other."
I don't know if your loneliness has ever reach the point of physical pain or not - but there are times that you just need someone - and you might not know who they are, but you need them and they need you - and by finding each other, you have given the other the strength or the whatever to get through the evening or go on another day.
Is it ideal... no. Is it glamorous, hardly, dangerous... yea. But two people, who find each other of a period of time, who can pull something from the other person and the two walk away unharmed and not ashamed, then I think that that is not necessarily a bad thing...
I am, like all your friend Flip, are here for you - and we love and respect you...
Go ahead and be afraid - you are right where you need to be my friend... ~hug~
"there were times I was so lonesome I took some comfort there"
Still true 35 years after Paul Simon wrote it.
Spider is right. Fear is appropriate and Hypoxic is right - friends don't judge.
(And after my experience today, I would be the last to delete anyone).
I know how much you have been helping me in my journey - that is a gift and is appreciated.
I'm not the demostrative type, but what the hell: hug
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