Halo Adjustment
I fear recent posts have left me sounding a little too pious and noble for my own good. If so, I am misleading you and myself. Like most alcoholics I tend (as in lean heavily) towards the grandiose and self-centered. I believe “narcissistic” is the psychological term. Honestly, I abhor and fight this tendency, but the symptoms of narcissism include false modesty in order to attract attention and garner contradictory opinions which could be considered praise (eg Flip: "I’m a complete shit." Kind Reader: "No, you are very pious and noble…")
I have made much progress from the person I was in early 2004. I still have a long way to go. Numerous, large steps backward are not uncommon after inching forward.
Although lately I've been blessed with a reduction in desire to "act out" sexually, I do from time to time check out Craig’s List and similar old haunts for listings and pictures. A good idea? No. Do I do it anyway? Yes. See! Not so pious and noble.
Yesterday I saw a listing from a married man about my age living in my part of town. He is looking for a like-minded individual to engage in exclusive (implication “safe”) same-gender play. (Is that euphemistic enough?)
Advice I have received to help avoid temptation is to immediately dismiss potentially harmful thoughts and impulses as I would brush a burning ember from my skin. I like that analogy.
I replied to the listing.
I've since received a request for more information about me to which I also replied. Hmmm. I think the gremlins may be emerging from hibernation. My stalker is peering in the window.
Here’s my chance to see just how much of my recent chaste behavior is due to a noble intent to practice rigorous honesty to stay sober and ultimately have a chance to be the person I would like to be, and how much of it is because of the current psychotropic drugs I am taking along with my ever-present fear of getting bounced out of the house by my long-suffering wife if I do anymore stupid, dishonest things.
To paraphrase the illustrious Dr. M (my shrink) “King Baby” is back and he wants what he wants.
Stay tuned.
On a related note. Borrowing from a local newspaper columnist’s contrivance, I would also like to offer:
Flip’s Previous Week in Review – The Seven Deadly Sins
Categories
Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Rating Scale
1 EXTREMELY VIRTUOUS
2
3
4
5
6
7 EXTREMELY SINFUL
Summary of Last Week
Pride – 6. Looking down on parents of my child’s friends because they seem like complete nerds. Being tempted to write posts that might attract praise rather than enlighten and inform readers / myself. Getting offended when soliciting advice from a former boss / good friend when the advice might be interpreted to indicate that I am not perfect.
Envy – 6. Continuing to question my path of staying married vs. leaving the marriage (and being able to indulge my inner slut guilt free), specifically focused on blog friends who are pursuing the path to freedom.
Gluttony – 4. Inability to stop eating Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and gummy Life Savers. Diet Coke is still a major problem too.
Lust – 4 and increasing. See post above. Outlook cloudy and somewhat ominous for the week ahead.
Anger – 5. See Pride, specifically reaction to advice from colleague / friend.
Greed – 3. No major outbreaks although interest in new St. Francis-like career was diminished at the end of the week when I realized I would probably be making one-third of my current salary even though several years of full-time graduate work would be required to enter the field.
Sloth – 7+. Much at-work-time spent reading blogs, writing posts and surfing Airliners.net and Flightlevel350.com. Have completely fallen off the exercise wagon.
Overall Score – 5.0
Cheers!
Flip
5 comments:
Having read and come back to the post 3 or 4 times now, I'm almost ready to comment:)
It gets to the essence of the dilemma. Not wanting to get bounced as you write it, or not wanting to cause any more pain as you (or at least I) feel it, yet it is so easy to check out CL, hoping for the perfect post. If anyone thing drove me to the shrink this morning it was last weeks inner battle with CL - I did not fall but only by the grace of another's rejection.
Another great post, Flip. But there I go tempting you to up your Pride score for the week. Your continuously probing and reflective Fearless Moral Inventory is an inspiration to me.
Let me start by saying I think you are a great guy. I do think you are noble in your intentions, and there is nought wrong in that.
I think I understand your conflicted feelings in wanting to live and honest life doing the right thing that is best for those you love, held against a very real part of you that would like to be with a man. In facing up to that you are being honest and true to you. (also very important)
I did create a profile on a list site, out of curiosity so I could go and read the ads (at least I thats what I keep telling myself). I find it hard now not to respond to an ad to see what develops.
If I have not mentioned it before I love the integrity of your posts.
Flip... WOW - I wish I had the openness and integrity to make a post like that.
I have found out by travling down my road of slips and falls, that if you are willing to be open and honest, willing to talk about your mistakes and fears, willing to let others in to see who you are and what you are all about... then you ARE healthy, you are working your program and you are in good shape.
As tom said, I wish I had the guts and balls to do the Fearless Moral Inventory that you do - and this is not to inflate your pride score - you get credit for doing what is right! And like woe says, you are a great and nobel man - with much integrity - you are really an inspiration to a lot of us who face the same struggles every day...
Bibydays, Tom, Woe, Spider: Thanks to each of you for being there and inspiring me every day.
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