From the Vault
Flip’s Journal 2/22/04 Entry
[Blog note: Written a little more than a month and a half after announcing my desire to leave my wife to live a gay life and less than a month before my first AA meeting.]
Jesus, I’m not sure how much longer I can take whatever it is my life has turned
into. Truth, honesty.
Right. More like a living hell. Each day brings new demands from all of those whom I seem to rely on to provide me with my feeling of acceptance.
I wish I could just disappear.
Oh well, better quit blaming those other folks for the situation I have created – at least I’d better do that before I blow $200 more with my shrink tomorrow.
[My wife] feeling unloved and unwanted. Since when is it my responsibility to
provide/fulfill her sense of self-worth? Hey, what about me? Feeling loved? Oh yeah, as long as I behave myself like a good little trained monkey.
“Attend to my needs and I’ll give you a banana. But don’t reassure me that life will be exactly the way I want it to be and I’ll throw a tantrum.” She just doesn’t
get it – and is obviously protecting herself from all attempts to help her
get it. No doctor will break through, for sure. They are not even allowed to
get close.
I’ve been thinking about posting some entries from the journal I kept during 2003 and 2004.
Last night I dreamed about having sex with my (longtime ex-) boyfriend – something I honestly don’t remember dreaming about since he exited my life in September 2004.*
Today I decided to unearth the journal. As I read through various entries, at first I could feel myself becoming quite uncomfortable and irritable. As I read more I was reminded that even though I have not yet officially started my Ninth Step, many of the promises from that step are already coming true in my life.
* To be fair, you should know that I have dreamed about having sex with my wife a couple of times in the past several months.
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Step Nine Promises from Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) pages 83-84
- We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
- We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
- We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
- No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
- That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
- We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
- Self-seeking will slip away.
- Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
- Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
- We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
- We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
8 comments:
That was a post from a person in a completely different place.
Certainly not the person I recognize that normally posts here at this blog.
Thanks for sharing with us. I'm guessing that cannot be easy to re-hash.
What a gift it is to me to have you working the program a few steps ahead of me. Thanks for your continued ever-digging honesty.
Curiously there is a piece of what you wrote back them that vebalises better stuff I have been feeling but have not been able to put into words in my life now.
wow I feel a lot more introspective now.
I can't tell you how glad I am that I came across your name and link, Flip-- it was no mistake in the grand scheme of things, to be sure.
I don't know you very well, but the difference between your blog entries and the quiet desperation voiced in your journals of two years back is vast. You seem to have come to a better place, now rooted in some sense of understanding.
Keep it up. (The gay version of Keep Coming Back)
Any man who does not remember the past is doomed to repeat it... one of the tenants of the 9th step - or so my sponsor told me...
You have such a great handle on your recovery Flip - sometimes I wonder if I am just a dry drunk...
You frequently express concern over having too much AA in your blog but I continue to be amazed at how universal its messages are.
Re-visiting the old writings must be difficult. Your strength is admirable.
You need to realize that you are dealing with two very real life-dominating issues: alcoholism and gay/bi issues.
For myself, I am not an alcoholic in recovery, but am a conservative Christian who's theology believes that homosexuality is a "sin", but one that can be overcome by one's faith if you choose. However, I would have to confess that I am "backslidden" which means that I am not following as closely as once was. I am guilty of committing "adultery" with another man. This does not justify my actions. AA teaches that you need to be "Honest, Open, and Willing". This is my honesty....
You need to be commended on your recovery efforts as far as your substance abuse is concerned. The same-sex issues are a whole other issue. My counsel would be to work on one issue at a time. For instance, I don't recommend trying to quit smoking when a person is in the early stages of recovery. It sets themselves up for failure.
I can always be reached via my blog if you so choose. "One day at a time..."
Mr. Flip,
Don't wallow in it, my wife always says. Well, you should see both of us these days.
Hang in there.
The Troll
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