Part 2 - Twenty-Four Hours a Day
Well, now I remember why I liked the April 6 "A. A. Thought for the Day" in Twenty-Four Hours a Day (see last post). Because the next three "Thought for the Day" entries (April 7-9) give succinct recommendations for how this alcoholic can overcome his personality problems.
Although the premise seems to be the personality problems must be solved to stay sober, for me (and probably for a lot of other folks too) the opposite is also true. I had no hope of either realizing how serious my personality problems were or being able to solve them as long as I was drinking. In fact the personality problems and the drinking became worse and worse together.
That's why I am sincerely grateful to be an alcoholic for whom things got bad enough that I made my way to AA. My personality problems predate my drinking. They would be problems even if I had never taken a drink. But I'm not sure I would ever have found the combination of identified need and workable solution if I were not an alcoholic.
Just a reminder that I'm only talking about me. My particular problems. My alcoholic tendencies. There are lots of recovered alcoholics who are not grateful for being alcoholic. There are lots of people who drink, lots, who don't have serious personality problems. There are lots of people with personality problems who don't need such a dramatic motivation to solve those problems.
On to the "Thought(s) for the Day":
April 7
Boy I hated having to do this. And I still do sometimes. It means I don't always get to do what I want to do. But, as I once heard in an AA meeting, it sure feels good not to wake up in bed every morning with my two old friends, Guilt and Remorse. I could never wake up earlier than they could when I was betraying my wife and family. I hope I always remember how much I hate them.In A. A. alcoholics find a way to solve their personality
problems. They do this by recovering three things. First, they recover their
personal integrity. They pull themselves together. They get honest with
themselves and with other people. They face themselves and their problems
honestly, instead of running away. They take a personal inventory of themselves
to see where they really stand. Then they face the facts instead of making
excuses for themselves. Have I recovered my integrity?
April 8
Well, "recover" isn't the right word for me. I never had any faith in a higher power. Even when I occasionally thought I did, I really didn't. I couldn't. I didn't even understand what it meant.Second, alcoholics recover their faith in a Power greater
than themselves. They admit that they're helpless by themselves and they call on
that Higher Power for help. They surrender their lives to God, as they
understand Him. They put their drink problem in God's hands and leave it there.
They recover their faith in a Higher Power that can help them. Have I recovered
my faith?
Now it is such a relief to realize I can surrender what I used to feel simultaneously responsible for and powerless over. This approach also helps me deal with being a queer who wants to stay with his wife. I have a lot to learn in the higher power department, but this change has already been an incredible gift.
April 9
Third, alcoholics recover their proper relationship with
other people. They think less about themselves and more about others. They try
to help other alcoholics. They make new friends so that they're no longer
lonely. They try to live a life of service instead of selfishness. All their
relationships with other people are improved. They solve their personality
problems by recovering their personal integrity, their faith in a Higher Power,
and their way of fellowship and service to others. Is my drink problem solved as
long as my personality problem is solved?
Wow, did I have a lot to repair in the relationship department. I still do. A LOT! But I'm making progress. And now I'm dipping a toe into service for others - real service, not service "with strings." Spider-like service. Another great gift.
Sometimes I'm sad that it took 46 years for me to find my way to this remedial growing-up class. But that passes very quickly into extreme gratitude that I was led to the class at all. What a gift!
Take care,
Flip
4 comments:
Thanks flip. I am printing these off to carry with me. I know I am the better for reading them and remebering them.
Ditto. Funny what you come across when you need it the most.
"This approach also helps me deal with being a queer who wants to stay with his wife."
I suppose I can let the sentance stand on its own or write another novel, so I will leave it at:
Thanks Flip
Flip:
There's not much to add, but you are single-handedly keeping me sane in the chaos brought on by what seem to be wild horses heading one way and the vessel containing everything I cherish in it drifting slowly, inexorably, in the other.
I am still wrestling with the level of limitation on my coming out I can live with to stay married, which seems to be the big issue in this corner. I have accepted the concept of some kind of limit in terms of "not for another year", "not until...", but am just terrified by the general limitation.
What has been eating away at me from the inside for a dozen years at least is the need to keep silent to preserve the peace. That just seems intolerable as a long-term prospect. On the other hand, my wife told her closest friend just where we are the other night, and between her tears and her friend's [reported] advice, I was a complete mess.
Whenever I think that I have some sort of idea of how this might work, the whole thing turns to ashes in my hands, if not in my mouth. We just have to keep going keeping going, but the toll is tremendous.
I have no illusions about the cost[s] of leaving, but the cost of staying sometimes feels overwhelming. And I can only say that I just have to lay it all into another set of hands: as you say, SURRENDER it. That's my language, you know, denatured for wider consumption, as it had to be. But surrender -- what an image for a man coming to terms with what one correspondent calls his "Inner Girl" and the simultaneous desire to dominate...
You know, I gave up trying to understand more than a postage stamp of this at a time, some time ago.
Sorry to go on like this. It's been a bit of a bad day.
Hugs to all,
the melancholy
Troll
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