Psycho-babble

Restored Vows commented on my Tuesday From The Vault post with the following:

You need to realize that you are dealing with two very real life-dominating
issues: alcoholism and gay/bi issues. For myself, I am not an alcoholic in
recovery, but am a conservative Christian who's theology believes that
homosexuality is a "sin", but one that can be overcome by one's faith if you
choose. However, I would have to confess that I am "backslidden" which means
that I am not following as closely as once was. I am guilty of committing
"adultery" with another man. This does not justify my actions. AA teaches that
you need to be "Honest, Open, and Willing". This is my honesty....You need to be
commended on your recovery efforts as far as your substance abuse is concerned.
The same-sex issues are a whole other issue. My counsel would be to work on one
issue at a time. For instance, I don't recommend trying to quit smoking when a
person is in the early stages of recovery. It sets themselves up for failure.I
can always be reached via my blog if you so choose. "One day at a time..."

My initial response was to dismiss this advice with, "Yeah, right. You don't know me."

Of course when I react that way it means I've just heard something I don't like, which means I need to explore further rather than dismissing. (Growing up sucks.)

After some reflection, I understand that what Restored said explains something that has troubled me. Guys like Drew and Woe (and many others) seem so much more efficient, courageous and forthright than I in working through their issues. Yes, this statement makes me guilty, at least partially, of "comparing my insides to their outsides," a normal human reaction we are encouraged to avoid in AA. But not entirely.

For example, Drew and his wife were having grown up discussions and drawing logical conclusions shortly after the bomb dropped. Some were ideas that have taken me months, years to even begin to understand. Some were (and continue to be) completely eye opening. I see Woe walking a very careful line to both be (pardon my judgment, but undeservedly) fair to his wife and look out for his children even when he would have good reason to let go and have some well-deserved fun (Flip-slut projects).

This is not a beat up myself exercise. It is my realization that Restored is right. Bi / gay issues are not only very large on their own, but when combined with other major issues like alcoholism, abuse as a child, loss of a parent at an early age, etc. a very complex minefield may be created. As Restored pointed out, in some cases it may be wise not to attack the bi / gay issue until the other issues are cleared up or at least separated out from the bi / gay thing.

I believe that's true in my case, not only with alcoholism but in the way I treated my wife before, during and after my "I need to move out and try being gay" announcement. After more than a year of therapy and AA my head began to clear a bit. I was treating my wife in a way completely inconsistent with both my love for her and the way I wanted to treat her. Examples include continuing to engage in anonymous sexual encounters even while wanting with to stay married to her, and becoming unreasonably angry for very minor reasons.

I began to believe that some (not all) of these behaviors were really a way of acting out anger at my mother (ugh, how gay Freudian trite - but I really think it's true) and probably also at society as a whole for "preventing" me from being who I was for so long. My wife was a natural target for this anger both because of the mother-figure thing (nausea) and the little voice that said "she is all that's standing between you and what you want."

When this dawned on me, one thing I did was buy and read the book Mothers, Sons and Lovers, How a Boy's Relationship With His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life. It was not easy (hello Tony Perkins in Psycho). But becoming aware has really changed my treatment of my wife and taken me a long way towards my goal of consistently doing the right thing because I want to.

Well, enough psycho-babble (npi). I guess the point is that I acted as though my only problem was my repressed gayness. I thought if I just got honest and "switched parties"everything else would fall into place. Now I know that's really just a beginning. And in some cases working through other issues (like alcoholism) should be the real beginning.

Obviously most of you already know this. I wish I had before I pulled the pin on the grenade.

Happy Friday!

Flip