I Hate You I Love You
Dear Flip,
Remember me, the (relatively) sane guy you’ve kept buried since you came back from your trip? Well I just managed to poke my head above ground. As far as I can tell the rules have not changed. It is still not good for late-forties guys to act like little kids. You are still an alcoholic. You are not cured.
I (in)sincerely hope you have enjoyed your little post-vacation escape from reality. Take it from one who knows, there's nothing like wallowing in relentless self-pity to fuel grandiose ideas of terminal self-uniqueness. The supreme tragedy of your life is duly noted.
I (very) sincerely hope you realize that it’s time…well past time…to rejoin your regularly scheduled life in progress. In your earlier post today (two in one day...does that tell you anything?) you claimed to know what you need to do. Well, I’m not absolutely sure you really know, so I’m going to tell you.
You need to attend an AA meeting every day for the next 90 days. You need to start calling your sponsor every day. You need to read your AA literature every day. And most of all you need to focus on someone – in fact a whole group of someones – other than yourself. You've been carrying around a copy of St. Francis’ prayer in your back pocket for the past two days. How about opening it up and reading it. And then reading it again? How about aspiring to live it? Remember how good that felt? Well, even if you don't, I do.
Please wake up. I love you. I wish you loved me.
Flip
9 comments:
Is it weird that sometimes, I just want to hug you? No? Okay. Because I'm having one of those moments. Hang in there.
Gee - we have the same little voice in our heads...
The fact that Flip is talking to Flip tells me that Flip is going to be fine... just another rough spot - you will ride it out.
Am here for you bro...
I agree with Spider. You'll be fine, friend.
Cymber, Spider and Brad:
Thanks so much. I am feeling more sane at the moment.
Have made two meetings in two days and talked to my sponsor twice.
Love you guys,
Flip
AA teaches that you need to be "Honest, Open, and Willing"....I do appreciate you brutal honesty.
For the addicts in recovery that I work with, I highly encourage the "90 in 90" AA meetings. In addition, I also encourage the use of a sponsor. However, I tell them to not always pick the first sponsor that volunteers or that you cross paths with. You need to find a sponsor that will hold "your feet to the fire" that will call you on things as appropriate.
I can SOOOO relate to you in a sense. My wife has been suspicious of me lately. Questioning numbers on the cell phone and almost catching me chatting on gay.com. I would never leave home at night for a hookup. I feel a small connection with the guys that I chat with....a sort of release. Just like viewing the various bloggers here. I'm tired of fighting with her, tired of the tension...just tired.
Anyway...I applaud your recovery efforts. Most would have thrown in the towel a while ago. You are still dealing with two distinct life-dominating issues. Finding a sponsor that addresses alcoholism is a given, how this interacts with your bi/gay issues is significantly more difficult. May God have mercy as you find your way.....One day at a time.
I'd offer a hug but don't want to appear too gay:)
I guess your situation is complicated in almost a geometric progression thing - you have the AA part - a "full time" issue in its own right and then throw in the bi/gay thing on top. And the bi/gay thing takes on a life of its own.
You have the right direction and just have to do it one step at a time.
Having wives we deeply love does severely complicate the landscape.
Restored and Nate,
Thanks for your good wishes.
Sometimes I think it actually helps to have a couple of issues to concentrate on - when I don't use it as an excuse to wallow in self-pity.
As for sponsors, I could not have a better one. His issues are similar enough to mine yet also different enough from mine to make it really helpful - for both of us I believe.
Thanks again,
Flip
PS Just to clarify, I never leave home at night for hookups. Most of my activity takes place when on the road....
Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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