Self-Will Run Riot
Self-will run riot. That’s a pretty accurate description of my life right now. Although it seems like more of an orgy (OK, maybe a slight exaggeration) than a riot.
As I’ve mentioned before, one of my favorite statements from a long-time AA member is, “My biggest problem is not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem.” I really believe this is true for me.
Well, my biggest problem is my desire to stay married vs. my continuing proclivity for play. Therefore my biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem. So let’s explore some different feelings I have about that problem.
- There is no reason why I can’t manage this problem just like I manage my alcohol problem.
- This problem will go away as I age and my desires disappear
- There is no reason why I can’t manage this problem now like I did the first few of decades of my sexual life…fantasy with no real actions taken.
- There is some middle ground I can find between complete abstinence and complete slutstinence. A sort of “safe” zone of playing that I don’t have to confess.
- There is no solution to this problem.
- I need to throw in the towel and confess to my wife that I am unable to stay married and faithful and put the ball in her court.
- I need to relax. Quit obsessing on this problem. Compartmentalize my life.
Well, those don’t exactly sound like feelings. They sound like thoughts. Let me see if I can explore the feelings generated by these thoughts.
Blahblahblahblah...B...O...R...I...N...G.
Yuck. I am sick of my feelings. Sick of this problem. Sick of my inability to control myself. Sick of my fear.
Serenity? Right.
The answer? I know what it is. Why won’t I do something about it?
I guess it doesn’t hurt enough yet.
Bye
Flip
2 comments:
Flip:
here's hoping that you find yourself on one way or another, and concentrate on being true to it. It's trying to ride all the different horses at once that's taking its toll.
I'm only trying to co-ordinate my heart and my head, and I find that already takes all the effort I've got.
Hang in there.
yr
Troll
Flip -
I couldn't have written it any better. We all have the same problem -- how can we stay married when we have this burning desire to be with guys?
I used to think the problem was being gay. I've come to realize that the problem is being gay AND being in a straight marriage. However, I think your analogy to AA is misplaced -- you know you are better off (and a better person) when you abstain from alcohol. Can you say the same thing about your sexuality? I know, not an easy question to answer
We love you Flip! Please take care.
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