Did The Wind Just Shift?
A couple of years ago I was newly sober and trying to extract myself from the insanity of living a full-fledged double life – wife, family and single boyfriend (to whose upkeep I was contributing significantly – see various and sundry earlier posts if you are interested, but it’s really more sad than fascinating).
I remember one conversation I had with my sponsor during that period when the end of my so-called relationship with aforementioned bf was not going very smoothly…at all. As I was complaining about the bf’s behavior and also mentioning my responses, retaliation, etc. my sponsor asked me what my goal was related to bf. I said, “I just want him out of my life,” to which he very wisely replied, “If you want him out of your life so much, why do you keep showing up in his?” Bingo. Ouch.
I bring this up because recently I have revived the goal of making my sexual preference and the associated conflicts it generates in my life as a man married to a woman (as much of) a non-issue (as possible). Meaning I would like to quit obsessing over finding the perfect solution to the situation, instead spending the energy and focus on other things.
So if my goal is to make this situation a non-issue, why do I keep making it an issue?
Why do I think about it constantly? Why do I talk about it so much to my therapist? Why do I blog about it incessantly? Although it is a big issue, perhaps a little right-sizing wouldn't hurt.
St. Francis is my hero. He is my Tiger Woods. I’m not an expert on St. Francis’ life. I’m not a Catholic. In fact I don’t even think I’m a Christian, though I certainly believe using Jesus as a role model is a great idea for any and all.
Regardless of those limitations, my goal is to eventually live a life as similar to (my shallow understanding of) St. Francis’ life as possible. Similar like owning as few possessions as possible. Like helping other people directly by sharing their struggles and their attempts to overcome those struggles. Like renouncing and fighting situations and forces that deny huge populations of people on this earth the chance to live lives imbued with even the most basic dignity.
Like a (very) novice golfer aspiring to retire on a golf course with no handicap, I have a long, long way to go. I’m fond of (way too many) creature comforts. I talk a lot about helping the downtrodden, but other than a once per week service work opportunity, it’s all talk. I work in an industry focused on encouraging ever-greater consumption by the haves. And I’ve got a lot of possessions I need to get rid of.
But it's a goal.
9 comments:
Hey just wanted to say Hi. I just discovered your blog and am glad I did. I'm 39 and have been married for 15 years, have two children and I'm bisexual. I told my wife a couple of years back, and things have been good up until recently. I'm now in a place, possibly where you have been, trying to decide to continue the "straight" life or take a different road. I'm looking forward to your posts.
Somewhat by design, I live a rather uncomplicated life. Were it to be more complex, I think I'd lose my damned mind.
Geoffrey: Welcome to the 'hood. When the spirit moves you please feel free to share your experiences and ideas. A lot of us are still trying to "crack the code" on this.
Brad: Once again you prove that you are a wise man.
Hypoxic: Was it Shakespeare who started that "one day at a time" stuff? :-)
Thanks for the good reminders. I am definitely somewhere in between good and bad. And I can never hear or say the Serenity Prayer too much.
It means a lot knowing you gentlemen and ladies are with me. I continue to draw strength from your insights and experience.
F
Oh, I like St. Francis too. He's a nature loving easy going "in this world not of it" spirit... definitely anti-worldly possession kind of guy. There's a saying about the things we own can own us too, seems to be some truth there.
Ironically, I think forcing yourself to NOT obsess over something makes you think about that thing MORE. I don't know if it's so easy to just block stuff out of your mind. It sounds like you let these things use up too much time and energy so perhaps you might devote only the amount of time and energy you PLAN for it, and make scheduled plans for the "other things"?
I love your level of honesty and openness (staples of AA). It must have been difficult to have a gay BF and be married at the same time. Both parties were probably frustrated over the situation. It almost sounds like you were used as a "sugar daddy" which to me is not the makings of a mutual relationship.
For myself, I prefer bi-married men. They are in the same boat as I am in. Last year, I met a bi-married man that I obsessed over. I thought he was a perfect match: bi, married, kids, Christian (albeit backslidden), and a nice guy. However, after hooking up twice, I was viewed as "too needy" and he moved on. He wanted a relationship but at the time I was too scared. I think I fell in "love" with this man. My obsession lead to threats to out him to his church and wife (I just wanted a friend and I wanted him to step up to the plate). All of this is explained in a posting on my blog from April.
I have had a few months to reflect on my actions. It really did hurt. Sometimes I think that I liked the intimacy more than the sex. Being a counselor, I tried to analyze my actions: what need was he fulfilling? Why did I feel like a piece of sh*t when I got dumped for another man?
I soon realized that he didn't really care for me at all; I was just being used. That hurt...bad. Of course this was my first "break-up" and I was an emotional wreck. My wife knew something was up. My excuse was that I was going through a "mid-life crisis". This was partially true.
Today, I have a close friend that lives in another town that we are close. He is bi-married also and we have met a few times. He has helped me realize that not every guy is a jerk and that I can have a mutual close relationship without being used.
Father's Day was last weekend. I often wonder how much the intimacy/sex with another man is tied into the lack of affection with our own fathers. This would be an interesting topic to explore.
Hang in there Flip. You seem to be a good man and insightful. Here's a cyber hug for you!
Flip
I will probably do a whole post on this topic - it just feels central to where we are at. I just want to say in advance, I love the "right-sizing" which you have used before and I am going to adopt.
The problem for me is right sizing in my own mind and ALSO right sizing for KA. Even if I am having a "right size" day, she is just waiting for tomorrow. And based on my lability, who can blame her.
Great post buddy!!
bear: Your point about trying to not obsess about things is well taken. I suppose I'm not actively trying not to do something but more trying to focus on other things - like trying to make the lawn grass healthier so it will choke out the weeds rather than obsessing about pulling every single weed.
Your suggestion to actually plan my time accordingly is a good one. I'm not much of a planner, but it's worth a shot.
Restored: Thanks for the hug. And thanks for sharing so honestly about your situation. It definitely helps me to hear the stories of others.
I did not set out to have a bf, much less a single one. There was a very long series of events that took place before we ended up in that particular relationship. Certainly on the surface it appeared I used him for sex and he used me as an ATM. And the facts supporting such a sound-bite characterization are undoubtedly there. In other words, that part is true - but it was a lot more complicated than that. We were both people with complicated problems and needs. And I learned some invaluable lessons from our relationship and subsequent breakup. I hope he did too.
I do believe that a lot of problems that we lump into the "bi-gay" bucket come from other areas of our lives / unconscious minds. That is an area I would like to understand better because it can help me keep from making mistakes by taking actions intended to solve what I think are bi-gay problems when the real problem that needs to be solved is quite different in nature. I've tried, rather unsuccessfully, to express this in previous posts. But I haven't given up trying to formulate and articulate a theory.
Nate: I'm looking forward to your post. Your insights are a great help to me.
Perhaps as you right-size this problem KA will follow your lead. It takes a while for others to believe it when a real change takes place - especially when they have been burned before. Hang in there.
John: Thanks for stopping by. How goes your life these days?
Flip
Flip--
Great post. I have had a huge amount of success lately reducing the size and power of the issues in my head through my work with a cognitive therapist. Cognitive therapy is entirely focused on helping transform things that feel like burning mega-issues into things that are simply part of the fabric of life, harmless until we grant them the power to do harm. The whole thing is as un-Freudian as it gets and dovetails exactly with the teachings of 12 Step. I started traditional therapy when I was six years old (three days a week!) and continued, on and off, well into my forties--and nothing has helped me like this new approach has. Lots of info on the web and I'm sure many practitioners in your area. I went to this guy as an oh-what-the-hell last resort in a bad moment, and it's been a bright ray of light in my life.
Just a thought.
P.S. Ever been to Assisi, St. Francis' home town? It's exactly as he left it and exists as a shrine to him and his teachings and example. Definitely worth a pilgrimage.
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