A Gentle Reminder Received. A Pondering Described.

No names of course, But Recently A Dear friend of this blog very diplomatically pointed out that a possibly unacceptable length of time had passed without a fresh post. I felt a brief pang of guilt which was immediately replaced by that oh so pleasant, ego-boosting feeling of being missed. ("Why, I didn't even think anyone would notice!" The attention whore said hoping desperately for a compliment.)

Here we go...

I subscribe to a free service, Just For Today, that in the wee hours of each weekday sends an email containing a brief quote from AA literature. It is nice to have that reminder each workday when I first log on to email. And it's especially helpful on those mornings when I don't have (make) the time to sit down with my daily readings before charging into the day.

I found yesterday's Just For Today quote to be a good description of how many of us alcoholics seem to manage our lives into unmanageability.

"As I look back on that period, I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. Everything that had been important to me, all of my dreams, goals, and aspirations, were swept away in a wave of booze."

P. 423, "The Big Book" - Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 423

In addition to helping me understand how I let my life get so out of control before I sobered up, this quote has been swirling around in the same part of my (pea) brain that is pondering an answer to a question posed by Bea in her most recent post, "gay husbands tell all". If you have not already checked it out, I highly recommend a visit to Bea's blog, Sh-out.

Bea, in a non-judgmental way, asked us not-entirely-straight husbands in straight marriages, "For one reason or another, despite your sexual attraction to men, you married a woman. Why?"

Please understand, I'm not suggesting that being a gay husband in a straight marriage is the same as being an alcoholic. I just wonder if being an alcoholic is the only situation in life that might cause a person to change their goals to meet their behavior instead of routinely changing behavior to meet goals. Or maybe, for whatever reason, at some point in our lives we NES husbands, consciously or unconsciously, successfully or unsuccessfully, start to change our goals to meet those suppressed (or not so successfully suppressed) behaviors.

And although altering goals to accommodate addictive behavior is clearly not a healthy approach, I find it very interesting to think about the interplay between desire, behavior and long-term goals and how that might affect a person and those around him or her. It's not enirely clear to me that goals driving behavior is always feasible, or even always best.

Bea's thought-provoking question has led me to ask some related questions. For example: What thoughts and feelings led you to make the dramatic change in your life (coming out, moving out, or whatever)? Did your goals change before, during and after that "event?" If so, how and why do you think they changed? Did the "event" drive the goal changes or did the goal changes drive the event? I'm sure others will surface too.

I don't yet know my personal answers to these questions. I continue to ponder. But I do know that three years ago I was desperately trying to conjure some pretty crazy goals that I hoped might justify some pretty insane behaviors and decisions.

Above all, I'm extremely grateful that I have been given the gift of sobriety that, just for today, allows me to be clear-headed enough to be able to ponder these things.

Take care.

Flip