Here's Joan!

I am headed to a distant land. I don't want to blow my cover, but let's say if I were going to the capital city of this country I might be able to visit a museum dedicated to the greatest (female) shoe collector known to man. If such a museum existed. Which I doubt it does, But I won't be able to find out. Because I will be in a different city.

Brad has once again kindly offered to guest host for me. Of course he will do this only as time permits...and I happen to know he is a pretty busy guy.

Spider has offered to assist...although it sounds like he would prefer to be stationed under the desk. Hmmm, well, what happens here stays here I guess. Anyway, it's entirely up to Brad what he does until I am back, so he is welcome to take Spider up on any offer of assistance he wishes. Have at it guys. (I mean blogwise, of course).

I will check in whenever possible but will try to limit any participation to commenting rather than posting.

Cheers everyone!

Flip

An Excuse

I continue to struggle with being the blogworld citizen I would like to be. I neither read / comment on others' blogs nor post on mine with sufficient quality or frequency. It seems this is not an uncommon phenomenon, but it's troublesome nevertheless.

Two days ago an "opportunity" presented itself in the form of an unplanned business trip to the other side of the planet. I leave on Tuesday and return in two to three weeks. I should have at least periodic online access but I really don't know.

At least it's an excuse for sorry-ass blogworld participation. And perhaps I will return with renewed vigor...or the resolve to pull the plug...or???

Cheers!

Flip

Faith

The danger seeping through yesterday's post is the potential for returning to an alcoholic thought pattern...a grandiose way of thinking.

It goes something like this:

**Think, think, think.**

Wow! I've got it!!

I am so unique I can solve all of the world's problems if I just set my mind to it. Forget about taking care of inconsequential problems like making sure the dishwasher is emptied and my car registration is up to date. My time on earth is too short and I'm too talented to waste my time on things like that.

This is great. I've found the answer to my life's calling. Now let me
pour a glass of wine, chill out and think about all I'm going to accomplish....starting tomorrow. Wow, this feels really good. I'm getting it all sorted out! Let me pour another....and another...and another...

Tomorrows come. Nothing is taken care of...neither car registrations nor world peace. Nothing.

Goals and dreams are great, but they are accomplished one step
at a time. All moving in the right direction.

What I need to do is have faith that if I keep taking those steps...just doing the next right thing day after day...I'm going to achieve the maximum I'm capable of. For real. Not just in my head.

Have a good day.

Flip

Yikes!

What would you give up so that the people you love the most could stay alive and live to their fullest potential? Would you give your life? Would you give your eyesight? Would you give up your happiness? Your serenity? Your SUV? Your air conditioning? Your Ipod? Your right to feel superior?

I’ve often wondered how or if our country would still be fighting in Iraq if W’s twin daughters were in the army and stationed over there – no special treatment, just a couple of regular recruits. Would our country’s military strategy be different?

What am I willing to give up? In a heartbeat I would give my life to save my daughters’ lives, to allow them to live and prosper to their fullest potential; but that’s an easy one. What am I willing to give up today to ensure they are able to live full, happy lives? “Why, anything...almost...I guess,” I say. “Then why aren’t you, Flip?. Why are you spending your life working as a capitalist, corporate drone, charging others money to help them figure out how to encourage as many people as possible to consume as much as possible? More, more, more. Instead of that, why aren’t you working to save as much of what’s left of this planet’s resources and living environment? For your kids. For your loved ones. For everyone else’s kids and loved ones.”

My answer is, “Bills to pay, mouths to feed, tuition to pay, on and on… And I do spend a few hours each week on service work, too, you know.”

Right, Flip. And Barbara and Jenna would love to fight alongside our troops, but first they need to get a good education and find themselves....a good publicist.

W really gets my goat. He falls in the category of “The Things I Cannot Change.” I fall in the category of “The Things I Can Change.” All it takes is courage.

I’m extremely grateful for and proud of the men and women…our kids, our fellow human beings…serving our country in the military. I am grateful for the men and women who have given their lives over the past centuries to allow our country to fulfill its potential. I wonder how they would judge the fruits of their sacrifice in the year 2006. Are we fulfilling our potential? Our potential to....?

It reminds me of the second chance at life I've been given through sobriety. The only way I can keep that gift is to give it away. Sure, I’ve got to be healthy and take care of myself to be able to give it away. But I also have to be humble and grateful. I’ve got to be willing to never turn my back on a fellow alcoholic, regardless of his or her state of health or recovery, nationality, religion, age, sexual orientation, political beliefs, color, or anything else. Never. No matter what.

Fellow alcoholics? Fellow human beings? What's the difference?

Humility and gratitude. Is it sitting armed in my air-conditioned Hummer on the US / Mexico border with a self-righteous itch to shoot somebody who’s trying to receive the same gift I’ve received? I don’t think so.

OK, Flip, that’s what it ISN’T. Now tell us what it is. And don’t forget, talk is cheap. How about practicing it? Starting today.

Yikes!

Peace everybody.

Flip

Fantasy Land

I can make up elaborate stories in my head. Not necessarily a bad thing except they often include how other people are feeling, what they are thinking and what their motives are.

A while back in a meeting I heard this guy say that through recovery he had finally come to the realization that just because he thinks something it doesn't mean it's true.

Wow. What a concept.

F

Approaching Willing

I just reread my prior post. It certainly contained a lot of words (mostly quotes from books) and a number of typos, too. The typos - at least the ones I found - have been corrected. And thanks to all who made the effort to slog through all those words.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Although I haven't yet run this by my sponsor (and it may all change after I do), it has finally dawned on me that perhaps I'm reluctant to do my Eighth Step (the list) and begin making Ninth Step amends because I am still sexually "acting out" (my apologies for the euphemism - but hey, it's my blog). Or to be a little more honest, because I'm not doing everything in my power to stop "acting out." I may be a slimeball, but even I cannot imagine making amends to my wife for all the pain I have brought her while still knowing I'm not doing everything I can to stay true to her.

As I have heard in meetings, it may be up to our higher power to remove our character defects, but it's probably a lot easier if we are not actively engaging in them. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out this applies to me too, but it really sank in last week when I was preparing to discuss "repentance" with the prisoners. This was the fourth time in the past year and a half I've prepared for the same "repentance" session, but this time my understanding of how it applied to me was very different. Perhaps I was ready...ready to listen, ready to get honest. Then over the weekend while browsing at the used bookstore I came across an incredible book (which I have already finished) devoted to Steps Six and Seven. How very timely.

Last week I tried praying repeatedly for the willingness to be entirely ready to have removed the character defect that allows me to have anonymous sex with men without my wife's knowledge (there, I said it). Of course I know it's not gone. I know it's as close as my...well, fill in your own euphemism. But for today I feel a lot closer to being willing to have it removed (the character defect, not...um..."it"... although that would probably be most effective) than I have in the past. I am attributing this to prayers, service work and keeping my eyes open at the bookstore.

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Changing the subject, does anyone have ideas for new words or phrases I can use in my profile description (the "Middle age, middle America blah blah blah") that might be more indicative of what to expect in this blog? Perhaps it is fine as it stands, but I'm not sure. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am thinking of modifying it.

Have a good day and thanks for being there.

Flip

Difficult And Often Not Fun At All

Part One

Pages 84 and 85 in The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, provide suggestions for following Step Ten ("Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.") Two passages from these pages which helped me yesterday are:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (p. 85)

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." (P.84)

On my way to work yesterday I was pondering hooking up with someone at lunch. I knew doing this would be wrong because in my current circumstances it is a selfish and dishonest action. This time I decided to try something new. I said a quick prayer asking for help with this.

As soon as I got to work I was unexpectedly and immediately embroiled in a situation involving a co-worker and friend from a company associated with mine who for reasons most probably related to substance abuse is about to lose his job. Yesterday he was at the point of a complete emotional breakdown. I had the opportunity to assist in convincing him he needed to take some immediate steps to arrest his downward spiral. This "intervention" lasted through mid-afternoon. I had neither time for nor thoughts of hooking up.

I hope this helped my friend. Time will tell. For me, it was the answer to a prayer.


Part Two

After the aforementioned "intervention" I exchanged emails with an online friend in which we were sharing some recent experiences as married queers (just checking to see if you are there, Brad). I think the combination of sharing some of the darker aspects of my experience as an alcoholic earler in the day plus pondering the married / bi situation sent my mood into a sudden and unexpected downward spiral towards despair. I wallowed in that for a few minutes, but then remembered it was almost time to start on the long drive to my weekly service work at the prison. Before leaving I needed to prepare for the session.

The topic of last night's session was "Repentance." One of the books we use in the program is Restoring Peace, Using Lessons From Prison to Mend Broken Relationships, by Kirk Blackard.

A few of the passages from the chapter on repentance that really spoke to me were:

"Repentance involves much more than a change of mind or behavior, or feeling sorry for one's actions. It is more than a jailhouse conversion or temporary change until the tumult dies down. True repentance is a transformation in which a person's fundamental character and being, not just his surface behavior, become permanently different. Repentance is the process by which humans leave their sins and bad behavior behind and radically and deliberately change their hearts and attitudes as well as their actions." (P. 105)

Repentance is difficult and often not fun at all. C. S. Lewis described the process as follows in Mere Chritianity:

In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs mprovements: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor -- that is the only way our of our 'hole.' This process of surrender -- this movement full speed astern -- is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death.

(p 106)

"The journey of change, like climbing a mountain, is usually a difficult struggle, with temptations to quit or turn back. When you complete the journey, however, you are in an entirely new world that is very different from where you started. The old world is still there, but it is less significant, you see it differently. When you enter your new world, you have repented." (P. 107)

"Repentance is not a one-time event, but is an ongoing, daily, hourly attitude and change of life." (P. 107)

"Focusing less on "me" and more on others will probably help you in transforming yourself and your relationships with others." (P. 109)

"The next step is change. If your focus...has been on yourself, you now realize you need to develop an "other" focus in your life and plan to transform yourself by emphasizing others. Listening, empathizing with others, embracing better choices, seeking God's help, and viewing repentance as a journey will help you with this process." (P.109)


After doing the reading necessary to prepare for last night's session my mood had changed. The feeling of despair was gone.

My thoughts and actions indicate to me that I still need to change, to lay down my arms, to surrender, to "move full speed astern." Real and lasting change is difficult. It is often not fun at all.

But I have complete faith that it's worth it.

Have a great weekend.

Flip