Approaching Willing

I just reread my prior post. It certainly contained a lot of words (mostly quotes from books) and a number of typos, too. The typos - at least the ones I found - have been corrected. And thanks to all who made the effort to slog through all those words.

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Although I haven't yet run this by my sponsor (and it may all change after I do), it has finally dawned on me that perhaps I'm reluctant to do my Eighth Step (the list) and begin making Ninth Step amends because I am still sexually "acting out" (my apologies for the euphemism - but hey, it's my blog). Or to be a little more honest, because I'm not doing everything in my power to stop "acting out." I may be a slimeball, but even I cannot imagine making amends to my wife for all the pain I have brought her while still knowing I'm not doing everything I can to stay true to her.

As I have heard in meetings, it may be up to our higher power to remove our character defects, but it's probably a lot easier if we are not actively engaging in them. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out this applies to me too, but it really sank in last week when I was preparing to discuss "repentance" with the prisoners. This was the fourth time in the past year and a half I've prepared for the same "repentance" session, but this time my understanding of how it applied to me was very different. Perhaps I was ready...ready to listen, ready to get honest. Then over the weekend while browsing at the used bookstore I came across an incredible book (which I have already finished) devoted to Steps Six and Seven. How very timely.

Last week I tried praying repeatedly for the willingness to be entirely ready to have removed the character defect that allows me to have anonymous sex with men without my wife's knowledge (there, I said it). Of course I know it's not gone. I know it's as close as my...well, fill in your own euphemism. But for today I feel a lot closer to being willing to have it removed (the character defect, not...um..."it"... although that would probably be most effective) than I have in the past. I am attributing this to prayers, service work and keeping my eyes open at the bookstore.

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Changing the subject, does anyone have ideas for new words or phrases I can use in my profile description (the "Middle age, middle America blah blah blah") that might be more indicative of what to expect in this blog? Perhaps it is fine as it stands, but I'm not sure. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am thinking of modifying it.

Have a good day and thanks for being there.

Flip