Another Conversation
Hi again,
Maybe it really is that simple. On Monday I told Dr. M I wasn’t sure which came first, the lustful searching or the depression. He asked me how I felt last week when I started searching. I told him I felt really upbeat but by the next day my mood started deteriorating. Simple. I'd like to think I “wasn’t sure” because I hadn’t taken two seconds to think about it. But the truth is I suspected I wouldn't like the answer so I chose not to think about it.
Maybe it really is that simple. I’ve been taught it’s the first drink that gets me drunk and gets me in trouble because unlike “normal” drinkers I don’t stop after the first one. So why is it so difficult for me to understand that it’s not the adulterous mission accomplished that gets me in trouble, it’s the first internet “peek?” The truth is it’s not “difficult for me to understand”...it’s difficult for me to "accept" because I just don’t like it.
Maybe it really is that simple. Not easy. Not fun. Just simple.
Thanks guy. Talk to you later.
K
2 comments:
I feel dirtier when I land on CL just looking than when I see my friend. To most it is the action that is the problem. They have never been here.
It's nice to have someone around more into sel flagellation than I am, but you do realize how far beyond that you really are. Don't sell yourself short K. Around this house we know dry drunks and the like. You are light years - light years ahead of them.
Thanks Nate. You are very kind. And I am aware of the gift I have been given through AA and sobriety - though I could be a little more grateful for it at times.
And yes...self-flagellation...it hurts so good. But I really don't feel as though this post was self-flagellation. To me it's about lies and self-centered behavior - specifically MY lies and self-centered behavior.
Thanks again.
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