A Conversation

Hey Guy,

I've been told that sometimes it comes down to just you and me.

What am I supposed to be learning? Why do I keep smashing my head against the brick wall?

My goals:

1) Fearlessly make a difference in the world
2) Use the multitude of gifts I have been given to align myself with your will for me and to do your work
3) Repent – not just apologize but repent - for my selfish and dishonest actions that have harmed those I love and many others, too
4) Treat those I love with respect and care…in fact treat all people that way
5) Practice my AA program in all of my affairs
6) Live with honesty and humility

My actions:

1) With pomposity, write, talk and think about making a difference in the world
2) Whine about my lot in life - pity parties all day long. Complain about all the people in my life who are not living up to my expectations for them
3) At almost any opportunity spend countless hours on the internet looking for fantasy fulfillment of lustful desires and trying to set up actual meetings for adulterous fulfillment of those desires
4) Continue to hide my actions from those I love; endanger them by exposing myself and them to diseases
5) Practice my AA program very inconsistently...usually when it is convenient or when things get bad
6) Continue to lie and practice arrogance

Yep. There’s a big gap there.

I’m aware of it. I want it to change. Until I start thinking it might feel really good to see one, touch one, use one. Then I’m not strong.

Think think think. Desire desire desire. Self-will. Self-loathing. Self self self. Time for another...the ongoing...pity party.

AA has taught me that on any given day my sobriety, my sanity are only as good as my spiritual condition. I don’t think my spiritual condition is very good. In meetings I hear people talking about how great their relationship is with their higher power. They give me ideas about how to improve my relationship with you. I listen to those ideas, nod my head with an inspired look on my face and then leave the meeting to continue the status quo.

That’s why I’m having this conversation with you. A conversation. One sided, but conversant.

What am I supposed to be learning? Is it really as simple as it seems to be? I’m afraid if it is I won’t get what I want. Just another look, another touch, another human being used for my pleasure.

That’s why I’m having this conversation with you. I guess sometimes it really is just you and me.

You could signal me if you like this. Or maybe you are. Whatever.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

K

Yeah, K