A Clarification and Some Lovingly Provoked Thoughts
When posting I often, OK usually, don't know what I'm trying to say but I almost alway (think I) know what I'm NOT try to say. Unfortunately that approach can lead to confusion. Some emails I have received indicate my last post is a prime example.
To clarify: In no way was I trying to equate the search for sexual fulfillment with being an alcoholic. Rather my intent was to explore an idea for shifting my attempts at ostensibly achieving sexual fulfillment through anonymous liaisons with men back to a healthier (and likely more successful) means of actually achieving sexual fulfillment - having sex with my committed life partner...with whom I have been able to find sexual fulfillment quite a bit in the past. (Whew...I hope you survived the journey through THAT sentence!)
After I made a very poor attempt to clarify this in an email yesterday, one of my beloved readers posed a couple of difficult but very important, thought-provoking points/questions.
Just a couple of points to ponder - which I am sure you already have...
1) Maybe the sexual fulfillment with your wife was "forced" to a certain extent and you are tired of forcing it - remember, you can love a woman deeply for all the right reasons and not be sexually attracted to her.
2) Is it the sex with men or is it the anonymous sex that is the turn on?
Wow!! This was my response:
I have indeed pondered those points and I actually have pretty honest answers for them. Here they are whether you want them or not! As always these are subject to the fact that I am insane and delusional, but they do represent my best attempt at the truth today.
I truly don't think the sexual fulfillment with my wife was or is "forced." I have given this a lot of thought - especially since my shrink has indicated in the past he thought it [note: I was referring to my ability to enjoy sex with my wife] was just because I was such a horny bastard. Actually I am not tired of having sex with her - I still really enjoy it when the opportunity arises (HAHA!). In fact when I am less interested in having sex with her because I have recently "relieved my urge" so to speak through other means it makes me sad - although that might actually support your suggestion. Regardless, it is true that I am naturally more attracted to men so there is that overriding fact to consider.
I absolutely think I am searching for something other than sexual fulfillment through my encounters. It is the excitement, the danger, and all sorts of other things too. I figured this out when I had the steady boyfriend on the side and I still cheated on him, plus I am blessed with a sponsor who is gay and cheats on his boyfriend in the same way. If I did not have these two frames of reference I would probably assume that if I would just leave my wife I would settle down with one person and behave.
I really don't think anonymous encounters are wrong - except for someone like me who is in a committed relationship where they are not agreed upon. I just know that whatever need I am trying to meet through these encounters is not being met through them, but I keep trying the same behavior expecting a different outcome. I always feel crappy afterward (not immediately, but it doesn't take too long).
This is one of the things I love about blogging. You guys (male and female) are the most amazingly patient, caring and loving folks. I appreciate you all...those who take some time out of their day to ask me questions that really make me stop and think, those who comment so thoughtfully from time to time and even you guys who haven't made it onto the porch (as Brad would say) but are still out there.
Thanks for helping make my life what it is. And I mean that in a good way!
Cheers.
F
4 comments:
I read your Thursday post and this morning wrote a post in part based on what you had written. I have now seen your clarification.
What I guess is most troubling to me is the issue of what excites me. I still enjoy sex with my wife - both an emotional component and the physical aspects. You write:
Regardless, it is true that I am naturally more attracted to men so there is that overriding fact to consider.
I have considered for the last few days "that overriding fact" and what strikes me is the degree my sexual fantasies are based on men. What is "overriding?" in my case the only honest answer would be virtually exclusively. And I believe what my wife is trying to get me to hear is that until I can admit to that, how can we rebuild. Rebuilding with a straight guy - cool, gay husband - she is nothing but flexible; but I suspect what drives her mad is her realization of how deep the same sex attraction is and my wanting to rebuild by saying I will force it back into the bottle and leave it there as an act of fidelity and will.
Reading you helps me tremendously.
Thanks,
Nate
I have seen some interesting things in the past posts that DID seem a little confusing. THanks for the clarification.
I was wondering if maybe you're putting alot of effort into too many fronts at the same time? (Maybe focusing on one battle at a time might make it easier?)
I also wonder over this attraction to men you describe (and often bug Nate about.) What about the emotional connection?
Have you ever fallen in love with a man or had "a crush" on someone? Perhaps a guy at work, or classmate in college or teacher etc. Someone who just sent your mind spinning uncontrollably (not sexually necessarily?) and someone you just obsessed over and couldn't get out of your mind? That feeling that you would just love to spoon with them if you could...where sex was not the main incentive.
Flippo:
The best sex I ever had in my marriage was in the months in which I had to decide whether or not to leave. As you know, I left
I'm not sure that sex is the issue. For me it was finally coming to terms with the significance of the EMOTIONAL connection I have always had with some men, and suddenly discovered with others once I let my hair down.
I think that's what wags the dog...
yr
Troll
Flip - did it ever occur to you that you did a GREAT job of explaining yourself - and it is just that some of us (like ME) are just slow on the uptake and need to go back and reepeat "Hooked on Phonics - Part 1"?
You are the best my friend - as I have always said, no one works the steps like you do!
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