Fear is the Root of All...
The root of all "evil" sounds a little grandiose.
Grandiosity (hope that's a word - let's pretend it is even if it isn't). A real problem for alcoholics. And a real problem for me. One of the dangers of blogging. Talk talk talk (OK, write write write). Clap clap clap. What a nice, smart, honest, loving, thoughtful, unselfish, blah blah blah person you are. Well gosh, I must be. Even these people that don't know me think I am. EXACTLY, Einstein.
Can we move on and continue talking about me?
Yes indeed. Let's do. Recovering alcoholic. Queer man trapped in straight marriage. Trapped? C'mon. Be honest. Remember, she knew your desires. You knew your desires. Trapped is bullshit. You are not noble. You are not special. You treated her like shit at the pinnacle of your insanity. Still do when you're having a bad time. "Boohoo, I'm depressed." Like you are some kind of hero or something. Not trapped. Unbelievably lucky that she didn't (and hasn't) kicked your ass to the curb. To the cliff. And over it.
You are a recovering lunatic. With a one day reprieve. On a good day. End of story.
Beginning of story. BA. Before Alcohol. Don't you dare try to blame alcohol for your character defects.
Beginning of story. Grandiosity. Big plans. In your head. If only. Someday. Sounds pathetic when you're sober. BUT, sounds noble, even grand, with something to take the edge off the truth.
Pour me another one. Another ten. Passed out. Hung over. Oooo, can't start on those big plans yet...not feeling so good. I'll get right on it tomorrow. TOMORROW. Is it 5:00 yet. Can I pour you some wine, I'm having some? It's 5:00 somewhere.
Those (fill in the blank) are assholes. They are destroying the world. Wait till I (fill in the blank) and then I'll change the world. I'll show them. Do we have another bottle of cabernet? I need to sit in bed. I'm really sleepy.
AA blah blah blah. Big Book blah blah blah. Quakers blah blah blah. St. Francis blah blah blah. Prison service work blah blah blah. I wish I had more (time, money, intelligence, motivation...fill it in). Then I would (end wars, save the AIDS babies, adopt an African, be on the cover of US Weekly, travel in my own Gulfstream V, fill in the blank).
Saint by association.
For almost 50 years I've been playing out a very grand life between my ears while at the same time neglecting the basics. Why? Lots of reasons. But at the end of the excuse path I see the big monster. Fear. Fear of (failing, being called queer, getting tired, being hated, being laughed at, getting sick, hurting, losing something, not getting something). Fear. It's real.
But not as real as Death. Death is the next stop after Fear. Fear is the billboard. Death the destination. It's real. What's it like to live in the little stretch of road between Fear and Death?
I'd better get moving. Today. Out of my head, past Fear but on this side of Death. Now. With what I have.
See ya there. If I can get my lazy ass out of bed.
Flip
9 comments:
Knowing that there is an end of the road tends to put everything in perspective.
Interesting...very interesting...
Stop blogging my life.
There may be an ocean between us, but so much of what you write is an echo of my life. I'm not an alcoholic (I hardly drink - my old Man was a big time drinker - guess that put me off).
But I completely understand your posting. It was fear that got us here, fear that put us into the marriage, and fear that stops us from leaving it.
You would be amazed (except Flip, you wouldn't be, because you understand) by the empries I have built in my head. The great works I have achieved in my mind.
Hang in there fellow. Don't you hate it when people say "no one said it was easy". No, they didn't, that's true. But they didn't say it was going to be this bloody hard either.
Clap clap clap...blah blah blah(I like it!) What's it like to live between fear and death? Ask a US soldier in Iraq. (and count your blessings you're not him.)
Though, I think he'd say fear is a good motivator until it takes control...
Like him, fear can be countered with hope,faith and courage.
Fear has always been the wall in front of me... But once you conquer fear, what is there? But more fear.
Before I came out, I was scared what would happen when I did and what would they say. Then when I came out, I was scared what would happen when my family found out. Then when they found out, I was scared of being alone for the rest of my life and not finding the one that I came out for (which has always been a stupid fear)...
We make up our fears in our head, but once we realize that fear is just that - in our head - then we can learn to conquer than... as my pal Bear said, "with hope, faith and courage."
Why is it you can always write what I feel... and I am STILL working on Brad's questions to me for your blog - I am just old and slow...
Those were some tough questions, Spidey...
I know fear.
I suffer too often from paralysis of analysis. If we could just DO and not WORRY. Or FRET. Or SECOND GUESS. Or want MORE DATA. Or. Or. Or.
But I’m not ready to stop this merry-go-round. And I bet you're not either.
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