Ready, Set, Go. Again.

Scene: Mr. and Mrs. Flip sitting in bed enjoying a quiet evening of reading

Mrs. Flip: You're horoscope for today is interesting. Want to hear it?

Flip: Sure.

Mrs. Flip: (Reading from today's local paper) Leo. You're entering a new phase regarding your close relationships. Complete honesty becomes the rule, rather than the exception.

Flip: (As nonchalantly as possible) Hmmmm, that's interesting.

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I don't know much about my higher power, but I do believe that it speaks to me through other people. People in meetings, people in blogland, people sitting next to me in bed. My higher power has been speaking to me a lot recently. I'm a slow (reluctant?) learner but eventually, at least sometimes, catch on.

Therefore...

I'm going to try. Again. I've done it before. One day at a time for around six months if I remember correctly. Of course I'm afraid of failing. Am I setting myself up for a fall?

Well, who isn't?

As Nate so simply stated in his Tuesday, December 19 post, "Be a Man."

Simple. Not necessarily easy. At least not for this man.

Be a Man. Be the man I know I can be. What's the recipe? I don't know, but a combination of goodness and maturity, as referenced in my last post, sounds like a good start..

Simple. Not necessarily easy.

Thanks to the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous and sobriety I have tools I know can help me if I will use them. They include but are not limited to: following the "suggestions" of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor - especially his recent assignments related to fellowship and service work, sticking to my regimen of prayer and meditation, changing my playground and playmates, and keeping my focus on sublime rewards when King Baby demands instant gratification.

So I'm going to call my newest friend today and tell him I probably won't be seeing him for a while. Maybe never again. I know he'll understand.

Have a good day and thanks for being there.

Flip

Sublime Rewards

One of my current reads is a book entitled The Private Adam, Becoming A Hero In A Selfish Age, by Shmuley Boteach. The author compares “classical heroism” – currently typified by people such as celebrities and successful business people, to “biblical heroism” – typified by those living with courage and dignity which inspires others.

A quote from the book (p. 33 of the hardback edition):

In the end goodness always triumphs. It triumphs because it’s real, because it’s true, because it’s authentic, because it feels good and right. But the secret of success is to combine goodness with maturity--the ability to delay gratification and search for more sublime rewards. The biblical hero ends up with the true victory. The ancient rabbis of the Talmud said, “Who is wise? One who always sees the consequences of his actions.” The biblical hero takes the long, but ultimately, shorter way.

Delay gratification? I hate that. I want what I want and I want it now. Sublime rewards? What are those and who cares anyway? Sublime sounds good, but not immediate and definitely not a sure thing. I’ll take a sure thing now over sublime, thank you very much.

But…

...this week I've felt a level of inner peace I've not had for a long time...if ever...and it feels like a sublime reward. So does the fact that my younger child -- a teenager -- actually wants to spend time with me these days. This is the same child who, more than a year after I had threatened to move out but never did, told me she wished I had moved out because life was so much better when I was gone. And unfortunately I think she was absolutely right at that time.

Waking up next to my wife and not sharing the bed with my old friends, the Consequence twins Guilt and Remorse, is a sublime reward.

Goodness and maturity. I understand the goodness. I’m working on the maturity – with a lot of help from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Take care.

Flip

Byproducts

From one of my (almost) daily reads, Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men

December 17, 2006

The purpose of man’s life is not happiness but worthiness.
- Felix Adler

When we pursue happiness as a goal for its own sake, we usually reach the opposite point of emptiness. Feeling happy is a by-product of other life experiences. Happiness comes and goes. We welcome it but cannot capture and hold it, nor can we create a recipe for achieving happiness.

We will lead far more successful lives pursuing other values which we do have control over, such as honesty, respect for others and ourselves, seeking loving relationships, and making a contribution to the well-being of others. We can accept unhappiness and difficulties without struggle when we know we are doing something that has greater meaning. Our Eleventh Step tells us we pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. This helps us focus on God’s purpose for us. We can have an inner sense of joy knowing we are leading meaningful lives even when we aren’t having a particularly happy day.

I will seek the goals that make my life worthwhile and welcome happiness when it comes.

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I believe this. Every word of it. People have been sold a bill of goods by businesses hoping to make a profit and by the media. You cannot buy happiness. You cannot pursue it. It is a byproduct. If people ever figure this out Wall Street will surely collapse, but there may also be a tiny bit of hope for the human race. Of course all I can do is try to live as though I understand and believe this, and I’m far away from doing that. So before I lecture everyone else I’ll continue to try to get my own house in order.

Speaking of my house, for today my all-too-frequent obsession with having anonymous sex with other men has abated. I know it’s not gone and I never expect it to be gone. But I'm pleased with the relief I feel today. It’s a nice gift.

Just to reiterate, I'm not preaching against anonymous sex and I’m not trying to beat myself up for being someone who desires sex with other men. I’m just saying that for me, acting on those desires is a problem because my ultimate goal is to get honest by stopping these encounters instead of continuing to have them and revealing the fact of their existence to my wife. Why? Because I fear it will be the end of our marriage. And perhaps this is just a rationalization, but I also do not want to put my wife in the position of deciding between ending the marriage or staying with a me who continues to have sex with someone else. Call it dishonest. Call it delusional. Call it cowardly. Call it what you wish, but it's the path I’m trying to take today. And today I’m feeling some relief from the obsession. And I’m grateful.

Before I get too high and mighty here, I should let you in on a related, recent change. The last few encounters I’ve had have been with the same person. He is my age and married with children. Just like me, he is not looking for an emotional connection – just an outlet for his desire to have sex with men. His attitude about this whole situation is actually quite angst-free and refreshing. He went through the guilt thing but finally realized he is not going to change. He has accepted this as part of himself. He does not want to hurt anyone by engaging in this activity but also realizes he can best maintain balance in his life by continuing to do it. And he thinks it’s fun.

I don’t know that I agree with his attitude, but I sure enjoy being around it. I told him that my ultimate goal is to discontinue the activity and there will likely be times when I'm not so interested and potentially a time when I will not be interested at all. He completely respects that and assured me he would put no pressure on me.

The insane part is I feel meeting this person is progress for me. I’m not saying I want to adopt his philosophy, but I believe knowing him has played a part in the current absence of my obsession to search and search and search for the perfect....um, you know.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. And it feels pretty good.

Thanks for being there….for encouraging me and challenging me.

I love you.

Flip

Still Not Willing

I met with my sponsor. OK, he does not suck. At least not as a sponsor.

It seems we are back on track with a healthier sponsor/sponsee (I hate that word) relationship. He has given me a couple of assignments that I’ve completed – kicking and screaming – like any good rebellious alcoholic would. We are meeting tomorrow night.

He has challenged me on my honesty; specifically my continued sexual encounters with men without my wife’s knowledge. As much as I would like to ignore what he is saying to me by insisting that as my sponsor he should focus only on my sobriety (with some support for this view from Dr. M) I know my sponsor is right. The program of AA requires rigorous honesty. I am not there yet. But more importantly I am not trying hard enough to get there in this aspect of my life.

I can imagine a life of rigorous honesty in this area. I have an (at least partial) understanding of the benefits that would flow from such a life. But I am (apparently) not ready to give up my dishonest behavior. I think I’m getting there…or I’m deluding myself…not sure which.

My sponsor and I were able to agree that when I am doing more service work I am doing less adulterous behavior. I believe the assignments he gave me are a prelude to more service work which I hope and believe will help relieve my obsession with adulterous behavior. Unfortunately I also hate the thought of that obsession (and resultant actions) being gone from my life forever.

Just like I hated the thought of alcohol being gone from my life forever. Alcohol was a key part of who I was. It made me lively, likeable, free. Me.

I'm reminded of a quote I've mentioned before from a local PBS show (the specifics of which escape me). A priest was being asked about taking the vow of celibacy. His response was something like “whenever you say ‘yes’ to something, you say ‘no’ to something else” (or maybe it was vice-versa). I know what I want to say “no” to, and I have a good feeling about what I will be saying “yes” to when I do that.

Take care.

Flip

Acceptance

This evening I’m once again scheduled to meet with my sponsor to do Step Eight which is, “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” My sponsor cancelled the previous attempt at the last minute and dragged his feet (in my mind) on rescheduling. I’m nervous but ready.

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I’ve found two AA meetings this week particularly powerful. The topics were “Acceptance” and “...God is doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves,” which comes from the Step Eleven promises (page 84) in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Acceptance 1

A key fact that I have trouble accepting is that my alcoholism is but a symptom of my emotional and mental problems – my “disease” in AA-speak. I’m not cured of that disease. It is still there, still progressing in some ways. It is a disease that is treatable on a daily basis. I have a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition (which is based on a lot of other things). Each day I must take medicine in the form of my AA program, and there is not an AA-CR (controlled release). To be effective it must be taken each day starting in the morning with doses throughout the day.

I continue to have a hard time accepting this fact, and more importantly, making the right decisions that would be easy to make if I could accept it. Decisions such as: Upon arising should I read my inspirational books, pray and meditate or should I read the newspaper, or (worse) should I check my email to see if there is someone I can “meet” today? Should I go to a meeting even though it’s raining and the traffic will be awful? Should I talk to another alcoholic when I’m struggling or just ride it out alone?

There are still many, many occasions where I don’t choose the healthy option. And there are usually consequences for that later in the day, or the next day, or the next. But I still can’t accept that I have to do things I don’t want to do. Or more honestly, I still can’t accept that I have been given the gift of having the option to do things I know will GIVE me another reprieve from my disease and its symptoms. A gift that so many relatives and friends, now gone, were not given.

But God does for me what I still can’t do for myself. When I don’t take my AA medicine, my life goes to hell. I plan and host a huge self-pity fiesta. Then I feel like shit. Then I grudgingly take my medicine. You guys have witnessed the ugliness, even walked me through it. Led me to the medicine cabinet. Done for me what I can’t do for myself.

But sometimes I wonder if the time will come when I roll the dice again and the medicine cabinet will be empty after the party. Gifts given can be taken away. I have relatives and friends who could no doubt tell me about that...if they were still around.

Acceptance 2

It’s evening. Bedtime is closing in. I feel good. My wife doesn’t. For me sll is well. She’s hosting her own pity party. My children and I have been invited…in fact, it's a command performance. Now I don’t feel so good. I hate her. How can this work? How can we stay married? Can’t she see how I’m struggling even though I can’t (am afraid to) share it with her? How can she be pissed about something so petty? I’m going to bed. She can stay up and read and drink in her own little hell as long as she wishes. I want no part of that. I’m going to face away from her and clutch my huggy pillow. I’m not going to let my leg touch hers. That’ll show her!

Damn, she’s coughing again and it woke me up. She’s snoring away…lucky her…she can drink away the pain when she’s hurting. She can sleep on through till morning. But I have to lie here and listen to her and think some more about how pissed off I am and how unfair life is and how thoughtless she is. WHAT ABOUT ME?? She’s facing away. Not touching. Fine, I’m not going to be the first to touch her. We can just sleep together apart tonight.

Think think think. The meeting today. Acceptance. Loving someone just the way they are. I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. JUST. THE. WAY. YOU. ARE. EXACTLY the way YOU are. RIght now. At this moment. Not the way you almost are…the way I think you could be if you really wanted to please me. The way you are at this instant. With your back to me, snoring, emitting alcohol fumes.

You. The woman who was the little girl whose father left and never came back. You. The woman who doesn’t remember what her father looked like and can’t find out now because his image was surgically removed from all family photos and immolated in the backyard. You. The (one and only) woman I love to make love to. Make love not sex to. Really bonded. As one. Physically. You.

If I really loved you just the way you are, I would love you right now. I would not be facing away from you trying very hard to almost get my leg next to yours in case you want to make the first move and touch it but hell will freeze over before I make the first move because you were being so goddamned petty. But if I loved you just the way you are I would roll over, put my arm over you and hug you tightly. Like I love you. Just the way you are. Like I love you and never want to let you go.

I rolled over and hugged you to me. Like I’d never let you go. You deserved it.

And when I woke up that morning you were snuggled close to my back. Facing me. Touching me. And maybe even loving me just the way I am.