Byproducts
From one of my (almost) daily reads, Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for MenDecember 17, 2006
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The purpose of man’s life is not happiness but worthiness.
- Felix Adler
When we pursue happiness as a goal for its own sake, we usually reach the opposite point of emptiness. Feeling happy is a by-product of other life experiences. Happiness comes and goes. We welcome it but cannot capture and hold it, nor can we create a recipe for achieving happiness.
We will lead far more successful lives pursuing other values which we do have control over, such as honesty, respect for others and ourselves, seeking loving relationships, and making a contribution to the well-being of others. We can accept unhappiness and difficulties without struggle when we know we are doing something that has greater meaning. Our Eleventh Step tells us we pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. This helps us focus on God’s purpose for us. We can have an inner sense of joy knowing we are leading meaningful lives even when we aren’t having a particularly happy day.
I will seek the goals that make my life worthwhile and welcome happiness when it comes.
I believe this. Every word of it. People have been sold a bill of goods by businesses hoping to make a profit and by the media. You cannot buy happiness. You cannot pursue it. It is a byproduct. If people ever figure this out Wall Street will surely collapse, but there may also be a tiny bit of hope for the human race. Of course all I can do is try to live as though I understand and believe this, and I’m far away from doing that. So before I lecture everyone else I’ll continue to try to get my own house in order.
Speaking of my house, for today my all-too-frequent obsession with having anonymous sex with other men has abated. I know it’s not gone and I never expect it to be gone. But I'm pleased with the relief I feel today. It’s a nice gift.
Just to reiterate, I'm not preaching against anonymous sex and I’m not trying to beat myself up for being someone who desires sex with other men. I’m just saying that for me, acting on those desires is a problem because my ultimate goal is to get honest by stopping these encounters instead of continuing to have them and revealing the fact of their existence to my wife. Why? Because I fear it will be the end of our marriage. And perhaps this is just a rationalization, but I also do not want to put my wife in the position of deciding between ending the marriage or staying with a me who continues to have sex with someone else. Call it dishonest. Call it delusional. Call it cowardly. Call it what you wish, but it's the path I’m trying to take today. And today I’m feeling some relief from the obsession. And I’m grateful.
Before I get too high and mighty here, I should let you in on a related, recent change. The last few encounters I’ve had have been with the same person. He is my age and married with children. Just like me, he is not looking for an emotional connection – just an outlet for his desire to have sex with men. His attitude about this whole situation is actually quite angst-free and refreshing. He went through the guilt thing but finally realized he is not going to change. He has accepted this as part of himself. He does not want to hurt anyone by engaging in this activity but also realizes he can best maintain balance in his life by continuing to do it. And he thinks it’s fun.
I don’t know that I agree with his attitude, but I sure enjoy being around it. I told him that my ultimate goal is to discontinue the activity and there will likely be times when I'm not so interested and potentially a time when I will not be interested at all. He completely respects that and assured me he would put no pressure on me.
The insane part is I feel meeting this person is progress for me. I’m not saying I want to adopt his philosophy, but I believe knowing him has played a part in the current absence of my obsession to search and search and search for the perfect....um, you know.
Anyway, that’s where I am today. And it feels pretty good.
Thanks for being there….for encouraging me and challenging me.
I love you.
Flip
9 comments:
>> my obsession to search and search and search for the perfect....um, you know.
No.... what?
Sounds like a fun, and sorted guy. We can spend too much time contemplating our navels (actually it is not our navels we spend too much time thinking about - but something a bit further south) and miss the fun that can be had. So have it.
What else? That thing further south.
In a somewhat related vein, I think we spend too much time pursuing as a goal what we think (or are told will make us happy) rather than being happy pursuing our goals.
As in the other post of yours that I read, your relating of your contact with the other man, his status and his attitude are very thought provoking for me.
This seems like progress to me.
Flip -
I LOVED the daily meditation. If that doesn't help define purpose for one's life, I don't know what does.
Thanks for posting it.
However, you do seem to bring up the difference between "happiness" and "fun." And I'm realizing that they are two different things also.
I'm glad that you're feeling pretty good right now! Have a great week.
The holidays gives us all a reason to appreciate/honor/enjoy friends and family.
-Paul
Jas, lemuel, Brad and Paul: Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I do feel as though I've made some progress. Of course this is sometimes hard to measure for one's self which is another reason I really appreciate your comments.
The difference between fun and happiness. I had not thought of that in relation to this post but now I will.
Take care everyone.
F
Flip - anything for you my friend... anything at all!
Keep at it Flip. I do think everything you try can be considered progress - this guy is better than anonymous sex for sure. I like that he's also understanding about the situation.
Hang in there!
Spider: Thanks so much. And I hope you know I feel the same about you.
Bear: Thanks for your support. I too think it is progress but I also think I can do better.
F
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