For Me, For Today
Spider's comment on my last post:For me - it is all about acceptance from other men... it just happens that the sexual acceptance is usually a little easier to get - at least for 30 minutes or so...
I am so glad Spider said this. I fear that many of my posts seem designed to give anonymous sex among men a bad name. This is not my intention. Of course, just the combination of the words "anonymous" and "sex" may seem wrong. I know before I had engaged in the combination of those two words I certainly felt the concept was inherently wrong.
That's no longer the case. And I would like to be very clear that when I equate "anonymous sex" or "sex with men" with dishonesty, something bad, I am speaking only for myself...in my situation. My situation being that to practice rigorous honesty I have made a conscious decision to discontinue having anonymous sex and/or sex with men rather than attempt to work out an arrangement with my wife allowing me to have anonymous sex and/or sex with men within our marriage.
When my wife and I married, we both knew about my attraction to men. We did not sign up for an "open marriage." But that's not the reason for my decision. If I thought we could stay married, and maybe more importantly, if I thought I would want to stay married, only if we made an arrangement for a more open marriage, I would gather up my courage (yes, it would take some work and time to do that, but I'd do it) and discuss it with her. But I do not think having an open marriage is a good idea for us.
I don't want to put her in a position to decide between open marriage with me or no marriage. Yes, on the surface this sounds like an ideal situation for someone in my situation. But in reality, I can't imagine how this would work out. I don't want to be "playing" with someone knowing my wife knows what's going on. I don't want to think about her sitting at home while I'm doing that. I'm sorry, but the way I feel today is that I wouldn't feel good about that. And I no longer feel good about doing it without her knowledge. I believe my life depends on rigorous honesty.
Please remember, I speak for myself, for today, only. This is not a judgment of others who have worked out an arrangement such as I'm describing...or of anyone for that matter. And things may change tomorrow.
Yes, that's a long lead in. But my point is that I know exactly what Spider is talking about. I have had some great experiences anonymously, with men. Experiences that have helped me get through some tough times...that have let me feel acceptance when I really needed it and offer the same to a brother.
My point is that as of today, for me, I am saying "Yes" to wanting to be faithful to my wife which means saying "No" to seeking acceptance, or anything, by engaging in anonymous sex, or in fact any kind of sex, with anyone other than my wife.
For me. For today. Not for you. Not for tomorrow.
Peace to you all.
Flip
7 comments:
Flip,
I whole-heartedly agree that Spider's a man full of wisdom and truth. But it's interesting that I read his comment from the other day and heard a whole different message:
... sexual acceptance is ... [only good] for 30 minutes or so ...
Sometimes you seem to have to work so hard for acceptance it just isn’t worth it. Other times, someone’s willing to give it to you unconditionally.
It really makes me grasp that sex and love are two different things.
Paul: Your comment makes me think I did misinterpret what Spider was saying - maybe Spider will weigh in here.
I was reacting to the fact that I have come across as very judgmental about this topic in the past when I didn't mean to, plus I have just finished reading a book entitled "The Culture of Desire" in which the concept of men having anonymous sex with men was explored/evaluated differently from the way I have viewed it. (BTW, that's not the main point of the book. It explores if and how a culture (gay) can be defined by desire. It's a very thought-provoking book as you might imagine).
Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful comment.
F
I'm glad you said this because I know that it's difficult for some people to grasp how my wife and I have been able to have an semi-open marriage, with bisexuality mixed in. Some people judge me or worse judge her. But the fact of the matter is, and what I think is most important, we have accepted it as what works for us. Not everyone will accept it or us, but that is ok because there are people who have and that is when it's a beautiful thing.
Flip and Paul - I think you both are right because I really did mean it both ways. There are times in my life, to this day, that I so want and need to be accepted by a man... and at times it is a man that doesn't know me - my friends accept me and they do that because my friend... I want a man to see me and want me for what I am... sometimes that is professional acceptance, other times it is sexual - there are times I just crave for another man to find me attractive... in that case the acceptance is easier to get...
But there are times when that happens and yea, it is over in 30 minutes - and nothing has changed - that was not acceptance, it was a quick annonymous suck somewhere... made me feel accepted until it was over - and in that case I was "accepted" for 30 minutes - and that was it.
Could sex and love be any further apart... and could they be tied any closer... and I guess that is where I was going with this... it depends where I am and why I need the acceptance... am I lonely or am I feeling insecure - I go looking for different things when I feel each of these...
I am getting to the point - to have someone to love you, regardless of their gender or their sexuality - is there anything greater... "... and the greatest of these is love."
Guys - thanks for thinking what I said was important enought to discuss... that makes me feel good!
Flip -
It is good to be back. I have done an incredibly stupid thing (or brave) and came out to my wife on New Years eve. I don't know what my future is going to hold. I love my kids but am indifferent currently to my wife.
I turned 43 earlier this month. Am I too old to find happiness in the gay world or is there hope?
I'd be interested in what your readers think....
I sort of read Spider's comment more in Flip's way. I am trying to form a post in my head but the basis is that in the last month I have had a good run of coming to grips with being gay - support group, dinner with guy from that group (and yes, clubbing afterwards), lunch to talk with Sam. The thing is that it almost a month since I have had sex and while I am ready for it, for the first time it is not in the drivers seat and I feel good about the gayness.
Restored Vows... you are NEVER to old to find happiness in who you truly are!
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