Addiction and the "Imperious Urge"

Update: Thanks to Paul for notifying me that I had inadvertently restricted comments. I guess it happened when I was trying to turn on "word verification" which I only did grudgingly after the 500th spam comment. My apologies to anyone who tried to comment. F

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In commenting on my last post Dykewife wisely suggested: "...anyway, what i was thinking is that maybe the trysts you've had have been a sort of addiction. i could be way off base, but there's something very adrenaline pumping about having the "forbidden fruit" as it were.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. It doesn't exactly seem on target. On the other hand, the trysts have undoubtedly been a way of trying to feel different. And quite frequently I have not been able to control my impulse to engage in them. And while at first exhilarating, they ultimately leave me feeling worse than I did before I engaged in them. Sounds like a sort of addiction to me.

Spider commented: "You use the phrase 'imperious urge'... that has such a negative and almost evil connotation to me, and it is probably just me... what you are feeling is not negative or bad, in my opinion, it is just not healthy for you now where you are in your life and for the direction you are going. I hope you are not staying away because the thoughts are so wicked and evil..."

I took the term "imperious urge" from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous where it is used to describe sexual impulses. I don't interpret it to imply anything evil or negative but rather to indicate the strength with which the sexual urge or impulse can "grip" us as human animals. But in retrospect I should have quoted more of the passage because I can see how use of the term could cause some misunderstanding.

From page 70 of Alcoholics Anonymous:

To sum up about sex. We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

This describes perfectly where I am right now and what I'm trying to achieve. My ideal is to stay true to my wife, but not because I think my desires are evil or negative. Rather because, as Spider pointed out, they are not healthy for me where I am in my journey and for the direction I'm taking. Yielding to those impulses is not evil or wicked, but for me, for now, it "would mean heartache."

For today, that obsession(or perhaps addiction), has been lifted. I am able to focus on other aspects of my life. And for that I'm extremely grateful.

Have a peaceful day,

F