Into The Ditch

First, thank you to my two readers, Brad and Cymber. You are both at the top of my blogland list. I appreciate the honesty and thoughtfulness of your comments. And I am grateful to count you both as friends.

Second, I talked about the narrow country lane. Earlier this week I drove straight into the ditch next to that country lane. It wasn't a slow drift. It was a sharp, quick turn of the wheel.

But I'm back on pavement now.

I'm a dangerous combination: a slow learner who thinks he can figure out anything. Like how a twelve step program works. Unfortunately for people like me, this approach makes it much harder to achieve the goal of a twelve step program - to have a spiritual experience which is (one of) the only solution(s) to the problem behavior.

I follow the simple directions in the book for a while, start feeling better, start feeling less than humble, and then decide I can figure it out. I want to figure it out because I think I can find "an easier, softer way." And because I am lazy and don't want to do the work I need to do to maintain my spiritual condition.

I'm a slow learner, so each time I forget what happened the last time. That I neither can nor need to figure it out, and that the result of this effort is always, ALWAYS, an excursion into the ditch (nil?).

I hope you both have a great weekend, and thanks again for the love you show me.

Hugz.

F

Cop Out

Wow, talk about having your bubble burst.

Brad's assessment of the current state of my life (commenting on my last post):

"Just to go to meetings to deny that you are bisexual or homosexual to assure yourself that it is something that can be treated as an addiction seems like a bit of a cop out to me."

I appreciate comments on this blog - especially those that are the hardest to hear.

Coming from the reader who I believe knows me best, this one makes it crystal clear I have done a piss-poor job of communicating my thoughts, my decisions and my journey. So much so that this blog is likely a real danger to those I had deluded myself into thinking might find some hope here.

I don't know how else to say it. I am not denying my bisexuality / homosexuality. I am not trying to treat or alter that core part of my being. I am trying to deal with "life on life's terms" - some of which were dealt to me and some of which I have created through my own decisions.

I am trying to treat / alter my obsessive and harmful behavior - which I personally believe is not a direct result of my sexual orientation. (I'm the only admittedly non-straight guy I've encountered so far in SAA).

What I've learned: a blog is no substitute for a pair of moccasins and a mile-long track.

Bye.

F

Diagnosis

In response to my last post, Brad asked, ”How does one determine and then define themselves as a sex addict?”

Here’s how I did it.

According to Dictionary.com:

Addiction: The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.

Check.

More relevant to me specifically, my SAA sponsor “qualified” me as a sex addict using three criteria, 1) powerlessness, 2) unmanageability, and 3) having a progressive condition potentially leading to death.

In this post, I will not bore you with sordid details other than to say that I qualified myself using these general examples:

1. Powerlessness: My repeated promises to myself to cease my behavior, followed often almost immediately by breaking those promises.
2. Unmanageability: The lengths I was going to in hiding and engaging in my behavior to the detriment (and endangerment in some cases) of my job, family and good sense.
3. Having a progressive and potentially fatal condition. Progressive: The increasingly unsafe situations in which I placed myself (and indirectly, others). Potentially Fatal: The abject hopelessness I increasingly felt about the whole situation led me to believe that at some point I might gather enough courage and insanity to kill myself, plus the increasing risk of contracting a fatal disease which could ultimately do the job for me.
   

Knowing Brad as I do, I think there might be more behind his question. We’ll see.

Cheers.

F