Possession

I believe that like dreams, music is a window into my unconscious. Often I become obsessed with a specific artist and/or song, listening repeatedly sometimes for days at a time. Even when I am not actually listening, the music is with me day and night. Initially I have no clue why I am obsessed with a particular song. Eventually it may come to me.

My most recent musical obsession is “Possession” by Sarah McLachlan. I have been in the throes of a Sarah obsession for weeks, moving slowly from song to song. Yesterday “Possession” took center stage. She wrote it from the perspective of her real life stalker. As usual I had no insight into what, if anything, this might mean for me. I've certainly never been stalked.

It dawned on me a few minutes ago.

In recovery it helps me to imagine what I call my disease (alcoholism and the underlying emotional and mental sickness) as a living person or thing. I often visualize a shark or superhuman person / being that never sleeps. It is infinitely patient and constantly working to stay in peak physical condition. My disease is the ultimate sniper waiting to ambush me. It will strike when I least expect it. I used to think this would be when I was upset or agitated. From AA I have learned it is more likely to be when all is rosy and I have been lulled into a sense of complacency.

My disease is my stalker. It is a part of me. It is me. I want to live. It wants to kill me. I can't kill it. It will not die until I die. I must work every day to protect myself from my stalker.

Life has been exceptionally good for the past few weeks.

I’m going to an AA meeting today.

Possession

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide,

Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time,

The night is my companion and solitude my guide,

Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard,

I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears,

Just close your eyes dear.

Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed,

Trying to find an honest word, to find the truth enslaved,

Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhyme,

My body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive.

And I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard,

I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears,

Just close your eyes dear.

Into this night I wander, it's morning that I dread,

Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread,

Oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride,

Nothing stands between us here and I won't be denied.

And I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard,

I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears,

Just close your eyes dear.