Today, Relieved of the Bondage of Self
Dedicated to Tom J.
When I first started this post I had no idea it would take this form. As I wrote, it dawned on me that the format must have been inspired by Tom's latest post, "Rowing Upstream," which I read last night just before retiring. I don't know how you do it day in and day out, Tom.
The other day my kids pointed out that were I running a radio station, this month its tagline would be “all Sarah McLachlan, all the time.”
I have posted before about obsessing on music and subsequently relating it to my life. This phenomenon helps me connect my current life with my unconscious. I never know which artist and / or song may pop to the surface at any time, but sooner or later I realize how it relates to what is going on in my life.
This morning Sarah arrived via “Angel.” I’ve loved the song for a long time but more for the emotion evoked by the music than the words. Today driving to work, as if for the first time, I heard the words, “The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies, that you make up for all that you lack…”
I started the song over. My mind grabbed it and ran.
Sarah: “Spend all your time waiting for that second chance,
For the break that will make it ok.”
Flip: (Three years ago, at home. A weeknight at 2:00 AM, sitting in his dark study lit by the glow of the computer monitor, drunk, exhausted, empty. Clicking, clicking. Surfing porn, searching the chat rooms, Craig’s List, Gay.com, Bareback.com. Where is Mr. Right?)
Sarah: “There’s always some reason to feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release,”
Alcohol, addressing Flip: “I’m yours. Trust me, you’re mine.”
Sarah: “Memories seep from my veins.
They may be empty and weightless and maybe,
I’ll find some peace tonight.”
Flip: (A different night three years ago, at home. Bedtime for the family. Flip is passed out on the sofa again, his wife and kids don’t even try to rouse him this time. They, including the dog, just leave the room to go to bed, leaving the lights and TV on. Maybe he’ll wake up when the test pattern comes on. Probably not.)
Sarah: “In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here,
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie,
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here.
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back.”
World, addressing Flip: “Faggot. Fairy. Homo. Sinner. Cocksucker. Wimp. Pussy.”
Sarah: “The storm keeps on twisting,”
Flip: (Reading from Alcoholics Anonymous aka The Big Book page 82): “The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others.”
Sarah: “…you keep on building the lies
Tthat you make up for all that you lack”
Flip: (Continues to read from The Big Book): “Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.”
Sarah: "It don't make no difference, escaping one last time,
It's easier to believe,
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees."
Flip: (Late last year. 3:00 AM. A dark, dirty, forbidding city street. Figures lurking in alleys, peering from doorways. He walks and walks after another sad, empty encounter. Exhilarated. Suicidal. Headed back to the hotel to shower, shave and re-enter the world. He addresses the demons.) “Please help me. Help the people I love. Kick me. Kill me. Throw me away. I need it. I deserve it. I’m afraid to do it myself. Please do it for me.”
Sarah: “In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here,
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie,
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here.”
Flip: (This morning. saying the Third Step prayer from the Big Book) “God, I offer myself to thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do thy will always!”
Sarah: "You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here.
Take care,
Flip
11 comments:
Flip my friend, I am sitting here at my desk tears running down my cheeks.
This was touching and rang true in so many ways.
It is my sincerest prayer that your Higher Power, keeps you in the arms of an angel. You deserve to be happy. Bless you my friend.
Apart from the honesty and the recovery in evidence here, this is a powerful piece of writing, in its structure and its brevity, and I can't tell you how honored I feel that you dedicated it to me.
Thanks for the kind words. You guys are awesome and a constant source of strength and inspiration to me. Take care.
I agree, it was very well written, and conveys a story that often goes unspoken. You're a brave guy Flip, and you have more strength of character than you give yourself credit for.
Flip - to all of us who struggle every day to stay clean - you are an inspiration to us all... Thank you so much for being here...
Also, I linked to you - I hope that is OK with you...
Terrific post. Music is a powerful force that can touch the soul. And you, Flip, have a very powerful way of expressing it.
You are on the right path, my friend.
I realized, after going back and reading all your postings, that we have had an e-mail exchange without my ever posting a comment.
So let me publicly say I love your honesty, that you love music - the fact that it is also my music is just bonus points. Having seen a recovered alcoholic parent (my wife's) who never really got it, I am in awe of how much you do get it.
Thanks for helping guide my thoughts and I officially bequeath you "the gods of music"
Hi Flip.
Caught your comment on Bibydays' blog & came over. I wanted to reply to his latest post, Words II but he doesn't accept comments from non-bloggers.
I'm not a blogger & have no wish to be, so would be obliged if I could leave my message for him with you?
Thanks
Hello Bibydays
The true definition of a bisexual is someone who falls in love with or is deeply attracted to the PERSON irrespective of his or her gender.
Ergo, you are gay. I am gay. Anyone who willingly has same gender sex is gay. We are just in deep, deep denial about it and find our comfort zone in using the term 'bisexual.'
Hi Bimarriedbut faithful
I am new at blogging and would willingly accept comments from non-bloggers - I will try to correct my settings.
I appreciate your comment. I am still digesting Flip's which I thought captured me - the best lovemaking/ sex I have is with my wife but find my fantasies are men.
I am not sure as to whether I am gay or in deep denial, but after 40 years of vague awareness, I am trying to ask that question.
Thanks Flip for hosting this.
Flip...what a post. I am near tears because this flooded my mind with memories of a time in my life that was different...and where you are. I so easily forget this and you reminded me today of this journey I have traveled...but that so many are just now hitting that road that seems to lead to nowhere at the moment.
Hugz. Again...wow!
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