Beyond the Lights
I've reposted this because originally the next to last verse of "Beyond the Lights" was left out. It has now been added below.
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In memory of L. P.
L. died one year ago this month. He died the day before through the grace of the God of my (mis)understanding and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I achieved one year of sobriety.
L. was like a brother to me and to my wife, although he was much more present in our lives than either of our brothers. He was part of our children’s lives from before they were born. They called him “uncle.” My family saw him almost every week of our lives for almost 25 years. Until those last few months.
I was sobering up, L. was sinking. I tried to help him. I shared my experience. I told him I would do anything I could to help him. I didn't.
What were we doing while he slipped so far beyond the lights?
This is not about guilt. I didn’t kill L. Alcoholism killed him. But I learned a good lesson the hard way. The next time I tell someone I will do anything I can to help them I will better understand what that means.
L., we miss you and love you more than you could ever know. More than we ever let you know.
Rest in peace, my friend.
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Beyond the Lights
Cheryl Wheeler
Thought you'd bide your time and play your part
but you were wrong dear.
Somewhere down the line your lonely heart
could not belong here.
And in some frame of reason, beyond our vision,
Your love lagged behind and fell apart
Without a soul to hear.
On a night like this the stars don't shine
and there's no moonlight.
We're like you I guess, we bide our time,
try to play our parts right,
and wonder where you gathered your angry sorrow.
Through the rolling mist the scenes unwind.
They seem so clear tonight.
And when I sleep you are crying still,
The way you touch your brow, hang your head,
I never knew and I never will,
The voices haunting you, a thing that I could do.
Were they in your stars
those lonely nights, tormented hours?
Something snapped your spars
and slacked your lines and took your powers.
Did no one see you sinking till you'd gone under?
While you slipped so far beyond the lights,
were we just watching ours?
7 comments:
flip - what a wonderful, meaningful post. The ravages of alcoholism are so much greater than anyone imagines...
You are truly a roll model and a wonderful man...
As I was considering if I had words to add - I don't, you have said it all - my eye crossed to your profile which ends "Nothing special"
There you are so wrong.
Damn... I had so much to say but after reading Spider's response, my response felt silly and inconsequential.
But a great cautionary post... I'm sure L feels blessed that you have learned so much from him, even though his story didn't end so positively. But the positivity you gleaned from it is immense.
xo
What can one add. Flip my respect for you is immense and grows daily.
Nothing more can get said. You are truly something special.
Spider, Bibydays, Hypoxic, Mr. Secret, Woe and Drew: I appreciate your kind words. I have come a long way in the past couple of years. Regardless, "nothing special" is not false modesty. It is a daily imperative for a narcissistic alcoholic like me.
Thanks for being there!
I've read your entire blog. What a beautiful soul you have. I'll be back again because I probably have more in common with you than you'll ever know.
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