Issues of the Son
My parents divorced when I was seven. I'm thirty-two now and still have abandonment issues.
In my my mind, I have a good understanding of the reasons for the divorce. That's not a problem. But, a part of me is still stuck in the same place. I still resent my father not being around when I was growing up. Not all of this is nescessarily his fault mind you, but my adult self has great difficulty reasoning with this child in my head.
I'm trying to speak about my feelings today and the words aren't coming easy. I'd rather sit down and write you a story about something I observed, someone I spoke to or a task I performed. This self introspection is difficult, at least for me.
I really love Dad. He's a good, gentle, compassionate sort of man. Intelligent in a quiet way. If he weren't related to me, I would still be happy to count him as a friend. We both have a lot in common, including the gay thing. When we talk, we can talk for a couple of hours, about anything and everything. (Can anyone imagine swapping stories with their dad about their boyfriend, life partner, whatever? Seeing a hot guy, and pointing him out to your dad?)
So, why don't we see each other more often or talk on the phone more frequently?
Flip has a way of expressing his feelings so much more clearly than I can. Maybe I should be in therapy, but my thought is that I would ultimately just bullshit my way through it. For me, until I'm ready to open up and tear the wall down, it would be a total waste of time.
We don't interact more often because when we do, often times we make each other depressed. I sense that we both try not to talk about the time when we did not see each other. There is the unspoken void of time that there are no memories to share. Even without saying it, no matter what we do, the void, the lack of memories, good and bad, is still there.
He could never apologize enough, and I would never stop asking questions.
Cheers.
Brad, your "Temp Flip".
P.S.: After reading this, it doesn't make a lot of sense unless you see my previous post as your humble guest blogger.
5 comments:
I hope you get to a place where you can ask all of your questions and your Dad doesn't have to utter one apology.
Sorry to be about "advice" I'm like that...but here's my thoughts. Has he ever apologized? Have you ever told him?
I think you should work through this void as painful as it is, I think it will liberate you both of guilt and pain both of you apparently suffer. Remind him how angry you were and still are, tell him the truth (have you guys already discussed this?) As long as you hold this inside, you will be both bound by it. Reassure him that you love him and that's an issue you always have had, and let him say his peace. Let him apologize, you deserve it, plus he may feel the need to say it but can't since you guys don't bring it up. Don't let any thorn keep you distant from the one's you love, especially if you think you might regret NOT saying anything. Life's too short and one day he might not be here anymore.
I can SO relate to your issues over your parents divorce. My Dad and Step-mom just left today after a weeks visit at my home. We were able to talk, really talk, about the divorce and the aftermath. At times, I had wished that I had lived with my Dad/Step-mom after the divorce, as compared to living with my mom who had the alcoholic bi-boyfriend who sexually abused me at 15.
As a product of divorce, I can testify of the heartache and pain that it brings to the children. It is not a fun event to go through. Most children blame themselves for their parents divorce: If only I got better grades, If only I wasn't fighting with my brother too much, If only........you get the picture. Most children of divorce have abandonment issues. At 42, I sometimes still do. I have resolved to not put my kids through a divorce. I have read a statistic that stated that children of divorce are 1.5 times more likely to get divorced as compared to children who's parents stayed married. That is a scarey statistic.
As a professional counselor/social worker, individual counseling might not be a bad thing if you really want it. Something to consider....Johnny/Joan...LOL.
I have read much and written much, but this subject goes so deep in me. I will write for a moment now because I may never write on it again. It is too painful a subject.
I will in a few weeks celebrate sixteen years in this my second marriage. It has been a good sixteen years and I "head" a large blended family.
The unavoidable fact is that I divorced when my two sons were very, very young. They grew up a two hour drive away - limiting on a good day - which did not allow me to be an integral part of their life.
I feel I am reading the post they would write if they blogged and it cuts me to the core.
And I thought my plate was full already...
Hi Brad,
Hooray, I get an internet fix! First of all, I appreciate your compliment on my ability to express my feelings clearly. I must respectfully disagree with the comparison to you. Your feelings are coming through crystal clear - plainly, simply, eloquently.
I can't thank you enough for taking over my blog in my absence. You had an incredible idea, however I apologize for putting you on the spot before consulting with you. It seemed spontaneous and fun at the same time - at least from here. Thanks for being such a good sport.
What I didn't realize (but should have known!) was the incredible contribution you would make. I am so grateful you are giving a voice to the kids of us closet dads. It was very difficult for me to think of my kids when I was trying to escape from my marriage. That's because it hurt too much. Of course, as an alcoholic I had not been there for them in so many ways.
I don't mean this as a guilt trip for me or anyone else trying to emerge from the closet. But I think it can be hard to face what a breakup can do to our children. It doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. Everyone's situation is different. But I do think that those of us who have been in the closet get so caught up in the turmoil of coming out that it can be hard to focus on the effect it has on all involved. I know in my case I gave the impact on my kids more lip service than honest, raw attention.
For what it's worth, now that I'm sober and a lot more honest with my children we have a relationship better than I could ever have imagined. I regret all that I did in the past. But I can't change that and people who love you can be very forgiving.
You will know if and when you want to try to mend things with your dad. As you know, it can't be forced. But it can work.
In summary, Brad, I love what you've done with the porch! Thanks again.
Cheers everyone.
Flip
Post a Comment