An Opportunity
As I wrote yesterday, I don't know what love is. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. It's just a statement of a fact from my perspective. And it's an opportunity.
Today's Touchstones passage refers to people's concept of romantic love vs. durable love. A couple of years ago I did not think I was in love with my wife. I thought maybe I had been at one time, but I really wasn't sure. As stated above I now realize I don't know what love is so I can't answer the question right now.
A couple of years ago when my wife appealed to me to give our marriage a chance out of respect for our 25+ year relationship, she gave me an opportunity to make a go of (re?)building a durable love with her.
From June 9 Touchstones:
I am very grateful for the opportunity I have been given to build a durable love with the most special person in my life. I don't know what the outcome will be. But I've learned that I'm not responsible for the outcome as long as I focus on doing the next right thing.Honesty and learning how to resolve difficulties
provide a solid foundation for durable love.
Some relationships do not survive the honesty
of recovery. Sometimes the development
of honest love only begins with recovery.
The love that endures, the love of real
intimacy, comes when we know the real person.
Loyalty to our loved ones may deepen as we
deal more and more with reality.
Take care,
Flip
6 comments:
Of course you know that the side vision of horses that are used to pull carriages in the city are covered with "blinders". This allows the horse to concentrate on the task ahead of them and not be spooked by the constant commotion and traffic on either side of them.
Sometimes, a little tunnel vision is a good thing as it allows one to fixate on the goal.
It's all relationships really need, two people willing to make it work.
I think Love is one of those things that defies definition. One is in love with a spouse on a basic level of feeling. Will that be enough when it comes to us bisexuals (I like it better than queer also) and the demons we face. I hope so.
I also do not understand friendships and really have no desire to: you meet one person and it is not here and someone else its like you knew forever.
I suppose blogging is a very word oriented activity frequently giving words to feelings - a tough job.
Enjoy the weekend Flip
I don't know, Flip-- you are genuine but your emotion is almost like an excuse sometimes. It may be easy for me-- I think we are like a mirror image, maybe. I have my sexuality in order and you have your drink in order. Maybe each one cancels the other out. I remember some training I had and it was about feelings and the question about them was, "Can you touch them? Can you feel them?" In the literal sense. Feelings are so ephemoral, and in a sense non-existent. It's all a sort of AA game then really. I didn't give in today. Right? Or else you're going to have to face up to the quite possible reality that maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with your wife. Sometimes you only get to have one.
Love is unconditional, it is forgiving, it is understanding, it is playful and romantic,it is hard and demanding, it is steadfast and all consuming, it survives beyond all other things and it takes you to places you have never been and can make you do things you never thought you could do...
OR so I have heard...
I respectfully disagree with RJ. Men, for the most part, are not in touch with their feelings as compared to women. I know this is a sterotype: men are more visual, women more emotional. If we didn't have emotions, we'd be like Commander Data or Spock on "Star Trek". Emotions are an essential part of our lives.
As far as your marriage, well that is your choice to stay together or get divorced. You could do a "cost/benefit" column to see what the pro/cons of getting a divorce. I believe your children are older, so that may not(may)be a factor. Are you happy being married? Can you abstain from an extra marital "hookup" to be faithful to your wife? Lots of questions that only you can answer.
Professionally, your prior alcohol abuse could be a form of "self-medication". What were you trying to medicate? Pain of your marriage? Uncertain sexual identity? Childhood trauma? etc....
I've always said that "you are the best expert over you".....what do you want to do?
Make sure you think through to the outcome before you do anything rash.
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