All Is Well - The Party's Over

Fourth and last for today!

The pity party is over. I am better already.

Thank you. I appreciate your concern. I apologize for the drama. Leo at his worst maybe?

Take care,

Flip

911

Post #3 today. Not good.

Your attention please. An emergency response team (lexaproshrinksponsoralcoholicsanonymous) has been summoned to extinguish the pity party raging out of control in my head.

Regular programming should resume shortly.

Thank you for your patience.

Happy Hour

Post #2 for today.

I don't use alcohol. But that doesn't mean I don't get drunk.

Weekend Special:
Emotional Bloody Mary

Fill tall glass with icy stares

add 2 shots resentment
and 1 shot self-pity
top off glass with fear
stir until emotions are bruised
sprinkle anger on top

Drink and repeat, drink and repeat, drink and repeat...

The Beam The Cult

From AA related literature (An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps - The Detroit Pamphlet):

Today most commercial flying is done on a radio beam. A directional beam is produced to guide the pilot to his destination, and as long as he keeps on this beam he knows that he is safe, even if he cannot see around him for fog, or get his bearings in any other way.As soon as he gets off the beam in any direction he is in danger, and he immediately tries to get back on to the beam once more.

From a poster found in many AA groups:

ON THE BEAM / OFF THE BEAM

HONESTY / DISHONEST

FAITH / FEAR

COURAGE / FRIGHTENED

CONSIDERATE / INCONSIDERATE

HUMILITY / PRIDE

GIVING / GREEDY

CALM / ANGER

GRATEFUL / ENVY

PATIENCE / IMPATIENT

TOLERANCE / INTOLERANT

FORGIVENESS / RESENTMENT

LOVE / HATE

SELF - FORGETFULNESS / SELF-PITY

HUMILITY / SELF-JUSTIFICATION

MODESTY / SELF-IMPORTANCE

SELF - FORGIVENESS / SELF-CONDEMNATION

TRUST / SUSPICION

MODERATION / GLUTTONY

ACTION / SLOTH

Today I'm "off the beam."

So what.

Am I a healthy member of AA or am I a two-bit Tom Cruise-like cult member?

Later.

Flip

Going to L

Brad tagged me with a meme asking me to think of ten words that both describe me and start with the letter "L."

Of course I can't just follow directions. Since it's all about me it must be exceptionally (terminally) special and unique. So I'm exceeding ten words by sharing the initial, substandard in my view, list I came up with and then the words that three other friends / co-workers added when I asked them. Perhaps "lawbreaker" should be added to the list.

Here are the words I thought of:

Loser
Loud
Lost
Lazy
Loquacious
Liar
Licentious


Then I solicited words from my closest friend, JT. Here is her kinder, gentler offering.

Laughs
Loving
Loyal
Laudatory
Lavish
Leader
Liberal
Leo
Loather


Two good friends / co-workers added:

Likeable
Laughter
Loose (in a good way)
Lively

So let me address each list, starting with my own.

Loser: This is not healthy, but when I'm hosting a self-pity party it is my default description of myself.

Loud: I was a very loud drunk. I am also a quite loud sober person. The difference is that when I was drinking I was loud anywhere, anytime...screw the rest of you. Now I am typically only loud around people with whom and in situations where I feel very comfortable.

Lost: If you have read much of my blog at all this is self-explanatory, although I am feeling more "found" all the time.

Lazy: When on a mission I am tireless. When left to my own devices I can spend an entire day sitting in bed reading a good book.

Loquacious: I'm very expressive. My favorite way to think something through is by talking about it - preferably with someone else present. I am sure this gets very tiresome to the people around me. In fact sometimes it gets very tiresome to me, too. Unfortunately it often leads to problems inherent in speaking THEN thinking.

Liar: If you read my blog you know this describes me. I’m not proud of it. I don’t do it much - but any at all is TOO much. And you know what kind of lies I mean. The ones that count. Not the ones that are told to keep other people from being hurt.

Licentious: See “liar.”


My bestest friend JT’s list:

Laughs: I love to laugh. And I love to make other people laugh. Almost more than anything in the world. This is how I relate to the world. But (way too) often it is cynical and sarcastic. I'm trying to cut down on that kind of laughter (both within myself and as a way of making others laugh). I think this falls in the category of “our greatest strengths are often our greatest weaknesses.”

Loving: I hope this is self-explanatory. But sometimes, all too often, my weaknesses get in the way of this. I would like to work on that.

Loyal: I am very loyal to friends and causes. This seems contradictory vis-a-vis "liar" and "licentious." Yeah. I'm a contradiction. I'll bet you are too or you wouldn't be reading this.

Laudatory: I ALWAYS try to give credit where credit is due. I hate it when people take credit for something they did not do. I'd die if I ever thought someone thought I did that. I especially practice this at work with the people on my team...because I remember what it’s like to work with someone who does the opposite.

Lavish: Not in material things for myself...but in living life in general. Perhaps just short of "over the top" sometimes?

Leader: The scrawny wimp/faggot who grew up in Texas in the 70’s does not see himself in this way. Apparently others do.

Liberal: And getting more so every day. Hello Society of Friends. Hello vow of poverty.

Leo: Through and through.

Loather: The dark side intense loyalty. As an alcoholic in recovery for today, I can no longer afford the luxury of loathing anyone or anything. This will kill me. And I know it.

Friends’ list:

Likeable: I would be a pretty unsuccessful people-pleaser if this didn’t show up on someone’s list!

Lively and Loose (in a good way…and just between you and me, a bad way too): This goes along with Lavish, Laughter, Loud, Loquacious and as far as I can tell, Leo. Too bad “attention whore” doesn’t start with an “l.”

Brad, thank you for choosing me and giving me such a lovely letter with which to work.

I would like to tag Cymber with "S"
Drew with "I" and
Hypoxic with "P." As in Pretty Please Kevin????

Later.

Flip

Believing Is Seeing

When I was growing up my grandmother tried both frequently and valiantly to make me into the religious person she wanted me to be. As part of our ongoing dialogue I remember her trying to explain her understanding of faith and how it allowed her to suspend any expectation of the rational or logical in religion. If she were around today I'm sure she would disagree with my interpretation of what she was trying to teach me, but that's what it sounded like to me. And I found it ludicrous.

Today I find myself in the very strange, ironic situation of starting to understand the concept of faith as it relates to spirituality and my life in general.

Along with some books I have already cited as part of my (what should be) daily routine of readings and meditations I read a daily passage from the book Streams in the Desert which was originally published in 1925 (the copy I have was published in 1966). I just happened upon it in a used bookstore and for some reason it called out to me. It is very Christian-centric as opposed to the more generic spiritual approach taken by my other daily readings. I enjoy that contrast, and even though I am not a Christian it frequently communicates what I need to hear.

The Streams in the Desert message from yesterday is summed up by this quote:

Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
- St. Augustine

Incredibly, I understand this now from a couple of different perspectives.

I understand faith because I have seen it work in my own life. It did not, and still does not, make sense to me how following AA's Twelve Steps could help me stop drinking. And the beauty of this is that one does not have to understand it. In fact it is strongly suggested that one NOT try to figure it out. One only needs a shred of faith that the approach might work (or more often desperation-invoked or court-ordered willingness) for it to start working. When I go to meetings and talk to other alcoholics I see many lives that have not only been saved but also unbelievably improved by starting with a tiny bit of faith.

I am also now beginning to understand faith as it relates to spirituality (sorry...still choking on the "r" word). The first eleven words in Step Twelve state one of the side benefits of following the steps:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

A spiritual awakening? Good grief. When I first started getting sober I paid no attention to that...and if I had I would have thought it complete bullshit anyway. Now I'm starting to experience it.

I've seen the power of faith within AA and am now beginning to see the power of faith in the rest of my life. I don't know who or what God is, but I have faith that my higher power exists. I believe it without needing to understand it. But though it is faith without scientific understanding, it is not blind faith. I see, hear from and experience my higher power all around me. And the more I surrender to my faith the more I experience.

For me, for today, believing is seeing.

It's a gift. A TRUE gift. Unearned, undeserved, but granted still.

Take care,

Flip

PS Back with L's shortly.

It's Always 20/20, But That Doesn't Mean It's Always Clear

Anyone who has spent even a short amount of time searching has discovered that we Not Entirely Straight Guys In Straight Marriages (NESGISM) are a dime a dozen in blogland. It doesn't diminish the fact that each of our stories is different and that we are all struggling. But since my very first foray into this world I have always found writings from our marital counterparts - Wives OF NESGISM (WONESGISM?? Yikes!) - to be extremely enlightening and very much appreciated.

One shining example is Bea and her blog Sh-out. Check it out if you haven't already. The question she asked that I referenced in my last post (check it out if you haven't already) continues to swirl around in my mind. It's a question that should be asked. But I'm not sure the answer is that helpful to NESGISM or WONESGISM. And I'm saying that because I'm really not sure, not because I am sure but want to be vague or polite.

I have two related questions for Bea and the rest of the wives out there. And just like Bea I am not trying to be judgmental. I am really curious.

If, before you married, your husband had told you about his attraction to other men, would you still have married him? Why or why not?

I can answer the first question for my wife. Her answer is "Yes" because she did. I can't answer the second question for her, but I will probably ask her sometime. If and when our relationship has healed a little more.

Have a great weekend.

Flip

PS In the future I'll try not to get carried away with acronyms. It's very irritating. I'm not sure what got into me...

A Gentle Reminder Received. A Pondering Described.

No names of course, But Recently A Dear friend of this blog very diplomatically pointed out that a possibly unacceptable length of time had passed without a fresh post. I felt a brief pang of guilt which was immediately replaced by that oh so pleasant, ego-boosting feeling of being missed. ("Why, I didn't even think anyone would notice!" The attention whore said hoping desperately for a compliment.)

Here we go...

I subscribe to a free service, Just For Today, that in the wee hours of each weekday sends an email containing a brief quote from AA literature. It is nice to have that reminder each workday when I first log on to email. And it's especially helpful on those mornings when I don't have (make) the time to sit down with my daily readings before charging into the day.

I found yesterday's Just For Today quote to be a good description of how many of us alcoholics seem to manage our lives into unmanageability.

"As I look back on that period, I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. Everything that had been important to me, all of my dreams, goals, and aspirations, were swept away in a wave of booze."

P. 423, "The Big Book" - Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 423

In addition to helping me understand how I let my life get so out of control before I sobered up, this quote has been swirling around in the same part of my (pea) brain that is pondering an answer to a question posed by Bea in her most recent post, "gay husbands tell all". If you have not already checked it out, I highly recommend a visit to Bea's blog, Sh-out.

Bea, in a non-judgmental way, asked us not-entirely-straight husbands in straight marriages, "For one reason or another, despite your sexual attraction to men, you married a woman. Why?"

Please understand, I'm not suggesting that being a gay husband in a straight marriage is the same as being an alcoholic. I just wonder if being an alcoholic is the only situation in life that might cause a person to change their goals to meet their behavior instead of routinely changing behavior to meet goals. Or maybe, for whatever reason, at some point in our lives we NES husbands, consciously or unconsciously, successfully or unsuccessfully, start to change our goals to meet those suppressed (or not so successfully suppressed) behaviors.

And although altering goals to accommodate addictive behavior is clearly not a healthy approach, I find it very interesting to think about the interplay between desire, behavior and long-term goals and how that might affect a person and those around him or her. It's not enirely clear to me that goals driving behavior is always feasible, or even always best.

Bea's thought-provoking question has led me to ask some related questions. For example: What thoughts and feelings led you to make the dramatic change in your life (coming out, moving out, or whatever)? Did your goals change before, during and after that "event?" If so, how and why do you think they changed? Did the "event" drive the goal changes or did the goal changes drive the event? I'm sure others will surface too.

I don't yet know my personal answers to these questions. I continue to ponder. But I do know that three years ago I was desperately trying to conjure some pretty crazy goals that I hoped might justify some pretty insane behaviors and decisions.

Above all, I'm extremely grateful that I have been given the gift of sobriety that, just for today, allows me to be clear-headed enough to be able to ponder these things.

Take care.

Flip

God in a Happy Meal? Crazy.

I used to think it was really dumb when I heard people say things like "God is everywhere." What in the hell does that mean? Is he in my Happy Meal? Is he in Darfur? Doesn't seem that way. It just sounded ludicrous.

Well, I don't go around saying things like, "God is everywhere." But my feelings about that statement are very different now than ever before in my life.

Let me explain. I don't know what God is...to you or anyone else. But for today I have a small spark of the beginning of a smidgen of an inkling that I might be fixin' to have a slight idea of what God might be to me. Maybe just for today and definitely just for me. God is the serenity I feel at this moment. And God is the fact that I now pray for things. Not things like a new car. Things like the willingness to really really want my desire - my obsession - to have anonymous sex with other men to be taken away from me. Just the willingness. I'm not yet ready to pray that the obsession be removed. I'm just working on the willingness.

God is everywhere? Maybe. I don't know if I believe that. I do believe that God speaks to us in many ways and in many places. If we are listening. If we are willing to listen.

God is miracles. I used to think miracles were as likely as God in a Happy Meal. I thought miracles were planes spinning out of control suddenly guided to earth. Bullets stopped in mid-air. Superman stuff. I don't know about those kind of miracles. But I do know that people who are completely out of control, lower than low, broken, killing themselves in a cowardly, slow way can be restored to sanity. Not just restored to being OK, but given the ability to live the lives they always...and never...knew they wanted to, or could, live.

God speaks to me in AA meetings. I get messages from God when I sit in a prison listening to criminals. God talks to me on the subway as I watch people. I hear from God when somebody calls me and asks me for a ride to an AA meeting. God speaks to me through you, in your blogs. In your comments. In your presence. My God does.

It's crazy. But it's good crazy. And I now know I prefer good crazy to bad crazy.

Am I really writing this?

Good God!

Crazy.

Have a great day.

Flip

Service, Part I

Step 12 of AA states: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Even though this is the last step, from the very beginning members of AA are encouraged to do service work which can help other alcoholics. It is said that in order to keep it ("it" being the gift of sobriety) you must give it away.

From early in sobriety my sponsor encouraged (hounded?) me to do service work. Being the rebellious sort I resisted for a while. Even though I finally complied, I still had to make it a little different (to fulfill that "terminal uniqueness" so near and dear to my heart). At the same time I was looking for a service work "position" I had also recently become passionately opposed to the death penalty. (An interesting step in my sobriety - similar to some sort of adolescent declaration of self - upon which I will not elaborate at this time.)

Back to the point. My interest in the death penalty led me to explore possible AA service work in jails. That exploration led me to this website:

BTL

I read most everything on the website. It looked pretty "Christian" to me - a scary thing at the time. And it wasn't exactly AA service work, but the program sure looked similar in content and intent.

I was intrigued, so I sent an email to one of the contacts asking if someone like me - an AA member with about a year of sobriety and a very real yet very sketchy concept of a higher power - might work out as a facilitator.

Within a week I found myself sitting in a correctional facility classroom with about 50 prisoners and a few volunteers - most of whom (at that time) appeared to me to be (elderly) church ladies.

To be continued...

Back From The Black

Many thanks to Brad at Southern Expressions for letting me know my blog had disappeared into the void.

I have no idea what happened. I went to Blogger and republished it and it appeared.

More, later, I hope.

Have a good weekend.

Flip

Flat Flip Priming the Pump. Or Perhaps Not.

Do you ever get in that kind of mood where you create all sorts of blog posts in your mind? Posts that are incredibly insightful, witty and / or thought-provoking. But for whatever reason they never come to pass? Maybe it's just me - the inveterate procrastinator-combined-with-grandiose-planner. "Gee, I've thought about it so it's as good as done." Except it's all in my head.

Well, I've had a particularly bad case of that lately. So I thought perhaps a list of topics / thoughts I've had might prime the pump. If nothing else it should make me feel as though I've accomplished something today.

• Like "Flat Stanley" I sometimes feel that blogwise I'm "Flat Flip." Very two dimensional. Alcoholic. Bisexual. That about sums it up. Why read his blog when it's so predictable? But then why do I care? I'm not writing this for you. It's for me. Then why do I obsess about comments, etc. Oh yeah, Flat Flip is eternally conflicted, too. Ho hum.
• I learned a lot from the comments on my last post about showing "Bi Pride."
• I have currently revived with newfound vigor the pursuit of alignment with a more organized religion or spirituality to enhance my relationship with my higher power. Through various online and mental exercises I am currently investigating becoming a Liberal Quaker. How does that notion strike thee?
• Last week I had dinner with Tom of The Truth About Tom. It was the first time I have met a fellow blogger (at least that I was aware of). It was really neat and I look forward to meeting Tom again sometime and other bloggers too.
• My relationship with my kids and my wife continues to get better and better.
• My wife's drinking drives me crazy. I have no reason to believe she is an alcoholic, and it wouldn't be up to me to diagnose even if she were. She rarely gets drunk. But she drinks regularly. I believe this is an opportunity for me to practice self-restraint and surrender.
• I would like to have a better relationship with my older brother.
• I would like to have a better relationship with my parents.
• Although the service work I now do is related to restorative justice / volunteering in jails and prisons, I would like to do more in this area. This is one of a number of reasons I am drawn to Liberal Quakerism.
• One of the healthy ways I relax is by watching airplane videos online. I know Jetboy probably understands this. Of course I'm not saying I don't watch other things online too...
• I am going to be essentially unchaperoned for about a week later this month. Uh oh!
• I strongly believe in synchronicity. To me it explains why I have met so many of you, why you are such a big part of my life, and a number of other happenings in my life that I believe are more than mere coincidence.
• Justin's (Brad's honey who posts at Under Red Light - check it out!) experience in the shoe store continues to piss me off. I wish I could be in Memphis to go with him the next time he shops for shoes. This is one alcoholic who knows how to create a scene and I'm itching for a reason to do it...
• The name of my blog sometimes really irritates me. Before starting it I probably thought of at least 100 different names. I was never completely satisfied, but one day I just had to start the blog AT THAT VERY MOMENT and Mobius Flip was my best choice at that time. I've been considering a name change.
  

Enough.

If any of the above ideas sounds interesting let me know. Perhaps that will be incentive for me to expand on them. Or perhaps not. Or perhaps you have another idea or question you would like me to answer. Or perhaps not. I hesitate to ask because it seems a little attention-whorish. Oh yeah, I just asked. Another dimension to Flat Flip...attention whore.

Cheers,

Flip